Lost Mum to Covid. Can't cope.

[Ellaandlouisqueenandking]

Hi. So I'm posting because in April I lost my wonderful Mum to covid and 5 years before that I lost my lovely Dad to dementia. Losing Mum has completely broken me. Also soon after Dad died I found out Mum had a terminal illness, so I focused as much as I could on being there for her, and didn't dwell on my grief much. So now I've been hit by double grief for both Mum and Dad. I struggle to sleep, eat properly, doing basic daily chores is a struggle. Indeed getting out of bed some days is a struggle. I feel relentlessly exhausted. Unable to do anything. Is this normal? I'm also being told by well meaning friends to start clearing Mum's house out, but I'm simply not ready. I will get the roof fixed as it's leaking. But clearing through Mum's home is painful and I'm just not ready. Is this silly of me? I'm a teacher and only have these 4 weeks left to do it. But getting on with it terrifies for me. What is wrong with me? My poor husband and daughter. I haven't been present for them at all. I couldn't be with Mummy when she took her last breath. I hate myself for that every day.

So very sorry, OP. Your feelings are totally normal, take your time.

@Ellaandlouisqueenandking of course you don't need to start sorting your lovely mum's house out yet. I am so sorry for your loss. You have the right to treat yourself just as your mum would have treated you - with love, care and compassion. There's no time limit on grief.
Your husband, I'm sure, wants to do whatever he can to help you and your daughter loves you just the way you are.

I'm so so sorry

Just a thought... maybe your friends can see you're struggling but not sure what to say. Hence the advice to throw yourself into sorting out the house. Maybe they're just waiting for you to tell them that you need to talk?

So sorry for your loss, I think everything you're feeling is totally reasonable, there is no one size fits all for grief.

If you feel like you need to talk to someone other than family about how you are feeling see if there is a local IAPT or wellbeing service in your area as I think they are still offering telephone services.

I'm so sorry 😔

I’m so sorry. The way you are feeling is totally normal. Please do not try to clear out your lovely mum’s house before you are feeling stronger. I had to clear out my parents’ house by myself and it was absolutely brutal. Much harder than I thought it would be.

So sorry for your loss of course you will need time to grieve and the whole covid mess adds to the stress of it too.

Probably not the case but if you had seen your mum could you have caught it? (just wondering if that could be part of why you are so exhausted).

It is awful we cant be at the hospital but she would have known and understood that it was not your choice.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. People cope in different ways, and when you choose to do something as difficult as looking at your mum’s things should be your decision.

I am so very sorry. I lost my Dad in April, also to COVID. My relationship with him wasn't as close as yours with your mum, but even so I am finding it tough to deal with. You have been through an awful lot, losing both your parents and having to stay strong for your mum. Go easy on yourself, it is absolutely normal to struggle, and it will take time. Try not to pressure yourself to be ready for September, you don't have to get everything done by then. I'm fact, you don't have to return to school in September if you're not up to it. You probably feel that you HAVE to return in September, you couldn't possibly take time off - I'm also a teacher, I know what it's like! But honestly, your mental health is more important.

I would consider speaking to your GP about how you are feeling, particularly about how hard you are finding it to do simple tasks. You may well be depressed, which again would be a perfectly normal reaction. Your GP can probably refer you for some counselling. Or, if you're in a position to pay for private sessions with a counsellor, see what is available locally. I have just started doing video sessions with someone that I had seen previously, and it makes a big difference being able to talk things through with someone outside the family.

I am so sorry for your losses and how much you are struggling .

I am going to go slightly against the grain here and suggest that quite how badly you feel you are functioning (or rather not functioning) a few months after losing a parent is quite severe. You may be suffering from a bereavement reaction rather than 'just' grief, or even be at risk of reactive depression.

While there is no correct way to grieve and no rule book as such, reading your OP I wonder whether you are completely right and you have kind of deferred grieving for your dad and now that you have lost your mother in a most unexpected way (who of us saw a global pandemic coming??), it has hit you really hard.

Please seek some RL help to work through this horrible situation. CRUSE is an excellent bereavement counselling service; your GP may also be able to point you in the right direction.

One point is important for me to make: you are upset that you were not there when your mother took her last breath and I understand how this feels so awful. But - do not dwell on this. It is very likely that your mother would not have been aware of your presence or lack thereof and your relationship as her daughter, I am quite sure, was much more complex and layered that a sheer presence at one moment in time. Regret that you were not able to be there by all means, but then let that regret go.

Wishing you light and strength going forward.

Hi. Thank you so much for your kind comments. I'm currently having grief counselling and have spoken to my doctor. I have no siblings and was Mum's only remaining biological relative, apart from my daughter. I think I had a mild case of covid about a week after Mum died, but I'm unsure. But that would explain the exhaustion.

I'm so very sorry for your loss and to hear how badly you're hurting. The way you're feeling is totally normal. It's also totally normal to not yet feel up to clearing out your mums things. Take your time.

Take these 4 weeks to be kind to yourself and don't rush anything. Try to go out most days for a nice walk; getting out of the house and into nature will be good for you. Of course only if you feel up to it. Talk to your husband; it really can help to get it all out.

A pp has mentioned the GP however what you're going through is the grieving process, 12 weeks down the line, and they can't really do much for that. It just takes time. However 6 months down the line, if you're still feeling this way then perhaps the GP may be something to consider.

Wishing you strength over the coming months x

Oh, you poor love!

Sending you lots and lots of love
So hard on you xxxxx

Thank you so much all of you. I've been in touch with the GP and am having grief counselling but still am really badly struggling right now.

Oh bless you.
There is no right or wrong way or even expected way to deal with grief and you mustn't ever feel there should be.