I think I'm struggling right now to determine if how I feel is "normal".
We had a winter wedding so at the start of lockdown I was still wrapped up in my wedding bubble of happiness to pay too much attention to what ifs, although I do remember feeling a lot of panic seeing empty shops and scenes from Italy.
Husband and I were still both working so had the distraction of that to keep our minds busy.
I was then put onto furlough and I remain furloughed. I'm not hopeful about going back as the company have already made several redundancies!
I'm not sure if it's the increase in spare time, the lack of social interaction or normality over the last few months, but I've started to almost lose control of my feelings
Happiness, sadness, anger. I have a mixture of these on a daily basis the latter being the most frequent.
I have an overwhelming feeling I'm starting to feel like life is a dream, actually, more like a nightmare.
I feel like this isn't real and I'm asleep having one of those awful dreams you're glad you woke up from.
I've tried to keep positive over the last few months telling myself things have relaxed, life is somewhat normal again, this has to improve.
But what seems like overnight, things have taken a step back and I'm starting to feel the terror I felt/saw back at the start.
I think we all started this on fear, but as we didn't (thankfully) see the scenes here we expected from Italy, most people are now feeling like we've escaped the worst and are on the other side, so happy to "go back to normal".
I however am now feeling afraid. I feel like what we've had was maybe just a taste of the potential harm from Covid and the absolute worst is yet to come.
I was starting to feel hopeful after the easing of lockdown. However, after seeing the rising cases and local lockdowns, the last 24 hours feels like I've received the most devastating news, the feeling of shock / sadness.
I feel as though someone has just told me I'm on borrowed time. Not that the news if the most devastating news, I just mean the feelings it's caused, feels that way, to me!
We had socially distanced drinks with our friends in the garden last night and for the whole time they were here I couldn't stop thinking about what could potentially happen in the next few weeks.
How bad things could be. It just got me thinking what our futures could really be like and I found myself panicking.
Our friends noticed I wasn't in the moment, and I had to make an excuse that I had a migraine and needed to lay down. I came upstairs and was shaking, my thoughts were racing and I just felt complete doom.
I think it's fair to say most people will have felt like this at some point? or even maybe still do?
I've woken up today and again I feel the sense of doom. Panic and Fear.
I feel like I need to scream. Loudly.
Im struggling to shake this feeling.
I was so hopeful back in May that we'd turned a corner and things would continue to improve but honestly now I'm starting to think we can never really have a "normal" life again, at least unless there is a vaccine for this.
I'm having what I could possibly explain as intrusive images? Pictures of overcrowded hospitals, sick people, funerals.
All really gloomy stuff. 😞
I guess what I wanted to know, is if this is a normal and rational reaction to things right now or if I'm on a downwards spiral and need to seek help?