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Ex partner not using masks or hand gel with asthmatic son

21 replies

Flowersupnorth · 29/07/2020 21:59

Hello there, I would really appreciate some neutral opinions. My ex is obsessed with conspiracy theories and Covid falls into that category for him. Because of this he is ignoring all advice - he thinks masks are a way of controlling us etc.
A few days ago he took our son away for a nights stay in a large city. My son facetimed me from the hotel room (I hadn't been told they were going away) and I asked if he had worn a face mask on the train. He glanced at his Dad then told me yes. I could tell he wasn't telling the truth and when I questioned him when home he admitted they had them with them, but didn't wear them and no one said anything. I then asked about hand gel when they had been on a sightseeing bus and a popular tourist attraction (that has plenty of hands on interaction) and again no.
He has just showed me on his photo an image his Dad sent him about masks being damaging due to carbon dioxide. My son is 10 and asthmatic with occasional need for hospitalisation and steroid tablets. My father is terminally ill so we have been very careful here.
There are so many conflicting views out there and who knows who is right but surely being cautious with an asthmatic child is sensible? He is an unreasonable man who will not be open to a discussion over my concerns. He knows them and thinks he knows better.

OP posts:
Keepdistance · 29/07/2020 22:03

Yanbu. Especially because guidance is for masks on pt.
Unfortunately i think covid brings out everybody's own choices about risk and the more cautious are not able to act on their caution.
However it does look like schools will be back as normal so dc may well be at significant risk there.

WombOfOnesOwn · 29/07/2020 22:11

Asthma is not a risk factor for covid death according to the studies that have been made available (in fact, doctors have been very surprised to find out it doesn't seem to have an impact or may even be mildly protective -- I say this as an asthmatic myself, and pregnant, I was terrified of covid in March).

A child of 10 dying with just asthma as a pre-existing condition is literally a one in a million chance. If you drive with him to places, you're putting him at more risk this year by transporting him than he would be from being coughed on by a positive case.

I'm honestly tired of the "asthma puts a target on my back" talking point, all claims that asthma could worsen this virus were speculative, while actual research has shown just the opposite.

Flowersupnorth · 29/07/2020 22:15

Yes @Keepdistance school is a worry. I took my son out of school a week before they closed after talking to his headteacher. Luckily he goes to a very small school - but I am still slightly concerned.
In my view, if I am wrong and being over cautious then no one is hurt. If he is wrong and we aren't all about to be poisoned with a vaccine etc then people 'could' be hurt.

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GeorgeTheFirst · 29/07/2020 22:17

doesn't seem to have an impact or may even be mildly protective

Can you tell us where you saw this? That's very reassuring.

frustrationcentral · 29/07/2020 22:20

I heard that too @GeorgeTheFirst but I can't remember where!!

Flowersupnorth · 29/07/2020 22:24

Yes I have read some articles about steroid use @WombOfOnesOwn which is very interesting. My son gets every bug going, he has a terrible immune system and usually takes a long time to recover when he does get ill. I am also concerned about him passing the bug onto my father. We all choose our own level of risk and what we feel comfortable with. My issue is that choice is taken from me. My exes mother will not see him for two weeks after his trip as she has health issues - yet of course my son comes back to me. For the sake of a mask and a bit of hand gel 'just in case' doesn't seem much to ask. Just like we wear seatbelts and stick to speed limits to reduce risks when driving.

OP posts:
GeorgeTheFirst · 29/07/2020 22:26

Googled it!

onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/all.14426

Flowersupnorth · 29/07/2020 22:28

@frustrationcentral @GeorgeTheFirst I have definitely read it somewhere too. I think it was where there were trialing Prednisone as a treatment for Covid. Obviously if you are taking it already for asthma it has some sort of preventative effect.
I am all ears for hearing asthma is not an at risk group but until that is officially recognised I want to be careful.

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SistemaAddict · 30/07/2020 08:52

If asthma isn't a risk factor then why are asthmatics like me shielded?

Flowersupnorth · 30/07/2020 09:01

That is my issue @Bercows. When this all started my sons asthma nurse called me saying he would get shielding letter and to increase his preventive inhaler. He wasn't subsequently classed as shielding as the guidance changed but still viewed as at risk.
So much is out there and it is constantly changing so I feel it is sensible to just take simple precautions, following current government advice until we know more.

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SistemaAddict · 30/07/2020 09:11

It is one study so I won't be using it as an evidence base. My GP has told me to shield until the pandemic is over. It sucks. I certainly won't be getting on public transport unless I absolutely have to and although I am exempt from wearing a mask I would still do so and I have medical grade ones.

Keepdistance · 30/07/2020 09:45

Op i completely agree. As asthmatics have generally been SD better than average person fewer of them would be getting sick. Plus if covid does cause lung damage then no asthmatic needs that on top (they might just not be getting the deadly cytokine storm).
Maybe say you will be dropping dc off at his dad's mum and see how dad likes that. (Ie removing her choice to be safe as he has done to you and your family..)

Flowersupnorth · 30/07/2020 11:31

I really feel for you @Bercows and all others shielding or vulnerable. To then see people 'out there' not sd or wearing masks must sting a lot too. I think those at risk would feel much safer leaving home if everyone just wore a mask!

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Flowersupnorth · 30/07/2020 11:34

@Keepdistance - this is the think. My boys lungs are already weakened. That is my concern. Last thing he needs is more stress to his body. I love your idea about his Mum. I was contemplating telling her, in the hope she will tell him to stop being reckless.

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LangClegsInSpace · 30/07/2020 14:05

I wouldn't worry too much about the mask as children under 11 don't have to wear them anyway. Also they are worn to protect others, rather than the wearer. Your ex should be wearing one if he is not exempt but that's to help protect other travellers, not your son, who he's around all the time anyway.

The bigger issue is the lack of hand gel. If you sent him with some of his own would he be responsible enough to use it as necessary or would he be too worried about his dad's reaction?

If I was that worried about a child being vulnerable to the virus I don't think I'd want them going to stay in a big city and visiting popular tourist attractions at the moment.

LangClegsInSpace · 30/07/2020 14:07

although I am exempt from wearing a mask I would still do so and I have medical grade ones.

If you can wear a mask then you are not exempt.

SistemaAddict · 30/07/2020 14:20

I have asthma and don't have to wear one but it's safer for me to wear one so I will.

Flowersupnorth · 30/07/2020 14:29

@LangClegsInSpace I think he would worry about his Dads reaction and his Dad would 'accidentally' lose it.
I had no idea they were going away until my son rang me from the hotel room asking for advice where to go. His Dad knew I wouldn't be happy about it which of course is why he waited until he was there to let me know.

OP posts:
LangClegsInSpace · 30/07/2020 14:29

There are no exemptions for any specific conditions.

If you cannot wear a mask because of a health condition (or disability or severe distress) then you are exempt.

SistemaAddict · 30/07/2020 14:53

I'm just going off the latest letter from my GP that says those that are ecv don't have to 🤷🏼‍♀️

LangClegsInSpace · 30/07/2020 15:23

I would be very unhappy about that situation OP.

Bercows, your GP has got it wrong - unless those are just the rules for patients visiting the surgery, as far as I can tell they can make their own rules up for that as long as they are not discriminatory.

The rules for shops and for public transport are set out in legislation and both use pretty much the same list of exemptions, with no mention of ecv.

www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2020/592/regulation/4/made

www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2020/791/regulation/4/made

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