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Original poster

Socialising anxiety - anyone else understand

18 replies

starfish4 · 17/07/2020 16:26

We're going to BIL's tomorrow for coffee. First time they've socialised. Agreed we'll stay outside, which I'm more than happy with. Normally we'd only visit for 60-75 mins. Been looking forward to it, might even put on a summery dress for first time this year. Now DH says we should spend 2.5/3 hours as we haven't seen them for months, which I really can't do without using the toilet. The only way around it is not drinking after 7.30am and accepting a cup of coffee and only having a few sips. I don't want to ruin it for everyone though.

Later we're geting together with my Mum for the first time as well. Teatime meal outside at pub. My Mum is a constant talker and I have to admit I'm not feeling comfortable about being opposite her. I can't let her down as we're her only family and all of us have only seen her once during lockdown (SD picnic in her garden).

Usually I'd really look forward to tomorrow, but I feel so anxious, I almost want to cry which isn't like me. I'm not going to let anyone down but..

Does anyone else having anxieties like this?

OP posts:
Orangeblossom78 · 17/07/2020 16:29

Maybe could skip the first one and let your DH go and just see your mum if he wants to stay for hours.

OverTheRainbow88 · 17/07/2020 16:34

Could you meet your mum but not go for a dinner?

Original poster
starfish4 · 17/07/2020 16:48

Thanks for your replies, I know you're trying to be helpful

DH hasn't seen anyone in his family for months and it's a special occasion (we're only family they've invited) so I can't let down.

I don't feel I can cancel eating out with my Mum either, we're her only family and she's been isolating due to age.

Really trying to move forward, as it's easier to see people now as we can be outside and I don't want to waste the whole summer.

OP posts:
AnnieWay · 17/07/2020 16:50

Yup! We've had to say no to various family members because of my anxiety attacks. I know everyone's been pretty sensible about social distancing so it should be fairly low risk but we live in a city, all our family are relatively rural & I'd never forgive myself if we passed it on to an older relative. Plus, they all seem to want to have picnics in fields. We have small children, it would be a 3 hour round trip, plus a couple of hours there... Where is our recently toilet trained 2yo supposed to go to the loo? She won't even sit on a potty so I can't see her loving the idea of going behind a bush. She's adament she won't use nappies anymore either. We have another child with ASD who'd hold it for a whole day rather than use a bush & another who has continence issues... DH suggested we could find some services somewhere along the way... with lots of other people & no way of knowing how careful they're being... A helpful suggestion he made just as I was getting control of my previous anxiety attack... Hmm

We're just holding off on socialising for now... Am planning to try & build up my tolerance by meeting up with local friends for short visits but, tbh, I don't think any of us are particularly missing socialising &, if it weren't for a sense of obligation to family, I'd quite happily never socialise with anyone other than DH & our DC. Blush

Original poster
starfish4 · 17/07/2020 17:01

AnnieWay it's hard isn't it? Trying to keep positive here, especially as I know DH is starting to go stir crazy working from home/getting fed up of the same walks/bike rides - he's even insisting he takes me to work at 7am on a Sunday morning (to save the trouble of parking apparently!).

I know life isn't all bad, I ordered some clothes so I've managed to buy two nice tops, a pair of jeans and some sandles. We had a lovely takeaway which would be nice to repeat. DH and I get on pretty well and again that helps.

OP posts:
Drivingdownthe101 · 17/07/2020 18:21

You are fine to use their toilet, unless they’re unhappy with it?
What is your concern about being opposite your mum?

Fedup21 · 17/07/2020 18:27

If I invited someone round for coffee and they felt they had to stay for 3 hours, I don’t think I’d be impressed! That’s a long time.

I’d just use their toilet if that’s the issue though, tbh.

What is the issue with being opposite your mum? Do you think she has covid?

SengaStrawberry · 17/07/2020 20:25

Really, the chances of any of these people having it is beyond minuscule. Go and enjoy yourself.

SengaStrawberry · 17/07/2020 20:26

I understand anxiety I suffer from it too but trying to rationalise it the chances of anyone having it that I’d come into contact with now is tiny and I’m not prepared to live the rest of my life as a hermit.

lockdownalli · 17/07/2020 21:57

If DH wants to stay for 3 hours when he was only invited round for coffee and you want/need to be there for less time, can you travel separately and ou leave when you need to?

Do you have to go with him?

Re your mum, can you wear a mask when you aren't eating? would that make you feel safer? Can you try not to sit absolutely opposite her? Flowers

ifonly4 · 17/07/2020 22:01

I understand where you're coming from. I want to move on, enjoy the summer but it's small steps at a time. I've seen a small group of friends a couple of times. They're SD but I'm about 4m away. I just don't want to catch it and be responsible for spreading it to all those I care for and those I don't know who it could badly affect. Do what you feel you can but try and keep it under your control as much as you can. Hope it goes ok tomorrow.

remine · 18/07/2020 00:05

Can I just say, to raise awareness, it would be nice if we didn't use terms such a social anxiety to describe situations, as this is a proper condition that has become trivialised.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. It does sound like lockdown has really been getting to you. I think it's just a case of moving on in any way we can - don't overplan the time you're at people's houses for, just leave when you're ready, even if that does mean leaving if you're not comfortable using their toilet. However, it is important to remember, if everyone is distancing and washing their hands, the risk is extremely minimal in these situations. You also need to remember if your mum has been isolating, there is little to no risk of her carrying anything.

I also understand that you may know these things but you can't always control your feelings. Maybe it's important to evaluate if you're prone to becoming on edgeso easily, or whether it's simply been triggered by lockdown.

I hope you are able to enjoy tomorrow as much as you can, I'm sure it will all work out ok.

ifonly4 · 18/07/2020 07:51

Sorry, I didn't realise SA was a recognised condition. I was just putting into words what I'm feeling.

Spoke to Mum last night. She's been making herself go into town the last couple of weeks to get out. She's not 100% sure about today either, but we're going to give it a try.

Anyway, I'm up. Just finishing my second drink before abstaining for a few hoursConfused

Drivingdownthe101 · 18/07/2020 08:24

@ifonly4

Sorry, I didn't realise SA was a recognised condition. I was just putting into words what I'm feeling.

Spoke to Mum last night. She's been making herself go into town the last couple of weeks to get out. She's not 100% sure about today either, but we're going to give it a try.

Anyway, I'm up. Just finishing my second drink before abstaining for a few hoursConfused

You don’t need to abstain from drinking. You can use the toilet.
bookworm14 · 18/07/2020 08:30

Why can’t you use their loo? Just wash your hands thoroughly afterwards as you normally would.

ChasingRainbows19 · 18/07/2020 08:48

Why do you need to abstain? It’s allowed to use toilets. Wash your hands/wipes for the toilet if you must.

Please try and make the efforts while infection rate is lower and we aren’t in local lockdowns. It’s the safest it’s been for a while, use precautions and be safe obviously. No one knows how autumn winter will pan out so now is the time to catch up with people I think. At your own pace of course.

No pressure to stay as long if uncomfortable but I think you’ll feel better when you’ve done it.

Fedup21 · 18/07/2020 09:23

@ifonly4

Sorry, I didn't realise SA was a recognised condition. I was just putting into words what I'm feeling.

Spoke to Mum last night. She's been making herself go into town the last couple of weeks to get out. She's not 100% sure about today either, but we're going to give it a try.

Anyway, I'm up. Just finishing my second drink before abstaining for a few hoursConfused

I’m confused-are you the OP? Have you name changed?

There is no reason why you can’t use their toilet!

If you are so anxious that you are actually going to restrict your liquid intake on a hot day, then Just don’t go.

mummabear1967 · 18/07/2020 17:04

Just stay at a distance and stay outside.

If you need the toilet, can you not just go inside briefly to use it? Surely it’ll be fine if nobody else is inside?

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