I am at a really low ebb, can anyone help me pull myself together?

[Beebityboo]

First of all let me just apologise, I know there has been an awful lot of anxious posts like this on here recently but the fact is I don't really have anyone else to talk to and I'm starting to really feel as though I am having a nervous breakdown.

I was working at a care home before lock down and there were a lot of deaths, I had never worked in care before and in my first two weeks I had seen two dead bodies. I came to really care and love a lot of the residents, most of whom died of Covid. After that (after years of improvement) I have started having completely debilitating panic attacks. I have even managed to convince myself I have a brain tumour due to (most likely) stress induced tinnitus, hair loss and scalp tingling.

I live in a tiny run down house with three DC's and a DH who is working upstairs almost all day. We have barely left the house and the DC's are becoming depressed and I'm starting to doubt whether I can look after them anymore, if everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. They are supposed to be socially distance meeting their new class mates and teachers on the school field next week and I am nauseous with worry just thinking about it.

I got into University but haven't been able to feel positive about it because I am convinced I will Catch Covid once all of the DC's go back in September and I will probably die.

My anxiety is made worse from the fact that I have a rare condition sort of like Lymphedema which makes me prone to blood clots which I know is an issue with Covid ( I also let myself get very overweight due to emotional eating) but I doubt I would need to shield and my GP doesn't seem to have any idea how vulnerable I would be or what I should do. I haven't seen him about all of my neurological/mental health issues though as I am terrified to leave the house.

I don't know why I'm typing here really. I am probably the lowest I have ever been in my life, I have very few friends and I miss my mum and just needed somewhere to vent and maybe some reassurance.

I have coped terribly with this crisis and I've let me DC's and my DH down.

You poor thing. You're not alone AT ALL and are doing a great job just getting from day to day in the face of what you're going through. I think you need to call your GP and get some support. Sounds like you are struggling with classic stress induced anxiety. There is help for it (my GP has helped me massively with medication and CBT referral). It's not your fault you are feeling like this, you've done a great job. It's the situation. So be kind to yourself. And reach out for help.

First of all please let me tell you that you have not let anyone down. You are doing the best you can and that is all that anyone can do.

No wonder you feel so down - you may be suffering from PTSD after starting that job and seeing people you really cared for passing away - anyone would feel utterly depressed and useless after that kind of situation.

I want to thank you for helping in the care home - it is more than myself and a lot of others have done - so you should be proud of yourself for that.

I really think you need to call your GP to see if he can get you some online therapy/help - you absolutely deserve it and need it.

I wish there was something I could do to help you and hopefully some more knowledgeable people from MN can offer you more information regarding getting help.

Please please don't think you haven't coped - to me you are a hero.

That sounds a lot for anyone to cope with, I'm not surprised you're finding it hard.

It sounds like you are having a really rough time I can understand how you feel. I had a baby 10 weeks ago and when I was pregnant I was convinced I was going to die after the pregnant nurse died. I am soooo much calmer now though after getting my head around the statistics and getting my kids out and about everyday. Now I feel like my fear was totally out of proportion with the threat and was being fuelled by constant news.
If you have already been around covid in a care home and been fine, then chances are you will be fine in the future. Everyone kept telling me I just needed anti depressants which when you are in the throws of anxiety doesn't seem helpful, but I really would consider contacting your gp for support. If you dont want to go in person you can have a phone appointment, infact they will probably only offer you that at first anyway. Good luck I hope you feel better soon xx

Thank you all so much for being so nice. I just really needed to vent because it's been building up for a while. I've never had a time where I've been this consistently anxious for such a long period, it's just relentless.