Advice: Nursery return - Mum says yes, Dad says no. Conflict help needed!

[JRuz75]

Hey Everyone, hope you are all safe, healthy and staying sane. :) I have a bit of a dilemma! Our nursery re-opens on 20th July, and my girl is 3 years old. She was attending pre-lockdown and loves it. She's an only child and we have no family nearby or friends with kids, so she's pretty isolated from other little people. Overall, she's been doing great, happy, learning, etc. But, I am getting anxious over her not being around other kids. I'm keen to have her go back to nursery, but Dad isn't. He's still very worried about the risks. We said we'll play it by ear and watch the updates up till July 20th, but I have a feeling we will be in the same position. I feel strongly about her going back, and he'll feel strongly about her not going back. Extra context here, and it's a whole other dilemma, and it's probably predictable when I say it, as it's why I'm here, but we don't have the best marriage :( Anyway, that's for another time! How do you reach a compromise on this? It's really difficult. I suppose, one compromise it leaving it another two weeks? But what if the stance is the same? Until a vaccine is developed, i can see this dilemma going for quite awhile. Any advice here greatly appreciated! thanks xx

For us, we decided on (school) return based on our overall risk. This made it quite easy as we are both working from home, and we don't go out for any reason (all shopping done online). None of us have underlying conditions that require shielding and we're fine weight-wise!

Therefore the benefit to our child far outweighed the overall risk to our family.

We have decided also not to meet any of the grandparents until at least 14 days since finishing the school year to reduce risk to them.

I don't think you can look at nursery return in isolation therefore with regards tor risk, but take into account the other interactions you have in a typical week. And you might mitigate the risk of her returning, by reducing your risk elsewhere?

Who will be looking after her if she doesn't go back?

@MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet Great answer! thank you! that will really help with building the case for her return. As yes, we're both fit and healthy and live very far from her grandparents sadly, but in this case, it makes no-contact easier. thank you, appreciate the reply :) x

For us, we decided on (school) return based on our overall risk. This made it quite easy as we are both working from home, and we don't go out for any reason (all shopping done online). None of us have underlying conditions that require shielding and we're fine weight-wise!

This was part of our reasoning too. DD is two and her nursery reopened this week. DH and I are at home, so she's the only one going anywhere. She's been back three days and absolutely loving it, definitely the right call for us.

@theproblemwitheyes hi there! It will be her Dad looking after her, as I work full time from home right now. He's been doing it now, and that's fine, but she could really do with little ones around her. And he complains a lot about having no time to do things he needs to do, so if she goes back 3 half days a week, it would be good for all I think. I do respect his concerns, as they're valid, but, I do see us as being low-risk due to our health but also, we're very good at social distancing, do all shopping online, etc.

@theproblemwitheyes

Who will be looking after her if she doesn't go back?

I was going to ask the same thing.

We had exactly the same. Usually we are on the same page parenting wise so I found it difficult to be in a conflict situation.

We have a 4 year old only so I felt it important that he didn't just go from being at home all of the time to school in September. Our nursery opened on 1st June and we compromised on 1st July. He actually went back on 29th June.

In my DH's case it was anxiety which is quite normal for him. I found it hard but made myself really listen to his concerns and agree that some space was needed for him to feel happier. In the mean time I made sure that I kept up with the data, particularly locally so I could see the trend. You should find this easier as it is much more available now. I think I gradually wore him down with stats. I also pointed out every time DS asked about playing with other children or moaned about not being able to do normal things like soft play.

My DH is slightly higher risk being a slightly overweight man in his 50's. He can't do anything his age but has started losing weight. He is also concerned about his mum as we are in a social bubble with her. Does your DH have specific reasons for worrying?

@MindyStClaire yeah, that sounds great. i do think it will be the right call, but I'm worried, he will still say no. Then where do I go with that? Do I get to override him? or does he get to override my decision? So difficult. that's where I'm getting stuck. :(

If he will look after her then I would allow him to decide.

@Proudpeacock Great answer here too! Really good, love the idea of using local stats, really good. He's into his stats on CV-19! :) I will definitely use this approach, i didn't think of that. I'm so glad I posted here! :) I've read mumsnet a lot but never posted before, it's gold! I would be up for a compromise of another couple of weeks to give that space you mention. Good idea there too. He's 45 and fit for his age, eats well, exercises a lot. but yeah, he's always been a bit of hypochondriac, but again that stems from his childhood as he lost his father at 13 yrs of age due to a heart attach, so I TOTALLY appreciate where the health worries come from, absolutely. but I do worry about my girl not interacting with other little kids for so long. I think if she went back just 3 half days a week it would be great for the whole household. Thanks for your reply, really helpful x

We sent DD back on 1st June, she does 2 days a week. It has been amazing for us all. They have a very small group, 3 children on the days she is there, and they spend as much time outside as possible. We reviewed our overall risk, we are young and healthy with no vulnerable family members, we are also not going anywhere as we WFH. But ultimately, I think if he is doing the childcare, he should have final say.

If he's worried then I think he wins this one BUT I'd say set aside a night to talk it through, and if you can't come to a compromise she doesn't go. Then review in two weeks. Maybe agree what has to happen for him to be happy to send her back.

Is he out of work? Is he a sahd or is he on furlough?

@GrumpyHoonMain hmmm, yeah, I didn't really look at it like that, as I am becoming very anxious around her lack of interaction with other kids, as she's an only. I appreciate him looking after her (but then again, he's refused to get a job for years and I carry the whole household on my salary...soooo....he's got to do something right?? ..), but he's okaaay, maybe a bit too much tv, but not terrible...it's a different style of parenting I suppose...but it's ok. He also does it with a slight reluctance...if he took to it with real acceptance of the role, I would happily wait longer for her return, but it's that combination of no interaction with kids and being looked after in a way which perhaps, when done all day every day, gets a bit dry, and then he can get in a mood regularly, and yeah, it's not terrible, far from, but it's also not brilliant, if that makes sense? Hard to explain.

@SleepingStandingUp thanks for this, I like this approach :) I shall do this too! Great answers on here :) He has been out of work for years, and tries to make money from creative work from home...(yup), and then we had DD, so he kinda had to become a stay at home dad, as my salary is what we live on.

@usernotfound0000 sounds great, I would love for that to happen here :) but yeah, a few people are saying if he's doing the childcare then he decides, and that sounds fair enough. Along with the compromises however, as I do worry about her development and socialisation.

Are you in tocuh with any other parents that will be sending children back? It might be that he warms to the idea once he hears that others have gone back and that really it is fine? I think the idea of a 2 week review is good, because really, how long will he keep her off? Until there is a vaccine?

How about a compromise such as sending her to a childminder who has other kids, or arranging play dates with friends. That way she can see other children but in smaller numbers and a more controlled way. Our preschool chose not to open until september so 3 of us mums have been letting our kids have garden playdates instead and it's worked nicely.

The way I would look at this is that your child is unlikely to get covid anyway if she goes back (at the moment at least while community cases are low) but if she did she is highly likely to be fine in the long run. It probably isn't much more dangerous to her than the many other illnesses children can pick up at nursery. I know children who have picked up chest infections at nursery which have hospitalised them and their parents never considered not sending them back to nursery afterwards - it was just seen as one of those things. There is obviously a wider picture in terms of the risk of passing it on to you and your husband but it doesn't sound like you're particularly high risk either.

There is a risk to her in not going back too and this is what I would stress to your husband. Three years old is such an critical age for social development. In normal times you wouldn't necessarily need her to go to nursery to meet her development needs but, at the moment, with groups, swimming pools, soft play etc. closed I think nursery is really important for toddlers, particularly if her dad isn't making a huge amount of effort with her. The effects of lockdown on her development are likely to be more long term than the potential effects of covid and if I had a child of that age I'd do everything possible to make up for that now that things are reopening. Two weeks probably doesn't make much of a difference either way but if you don't send her back while nurseries are open and they then close again she could go a very long time without interaction with other children. Three months without much social interaction might be hard for an adult but probably not life changing, whereas it is a very long time in the context of a three year old's development.

I think send her back. The risk to her or either of you is minuscule. As you say she loves it and it will be good for her development. Plus you get a break

hmm if he was a terrific sahd in other respects I'd go with his decision but it doesn't sound like he is? The whole 'refusing to get a job' is worrying, though right now I doubt there's many jobs around.

I too would be worried about lack of socialisation, is he prepared to go and meet friends (ideally outside) and let her play with other kids that way? My children have been doing this recently and they've really benefitted from that. If he isn't going to let her go to nursery then he needs to make sure he's putting some effort in to do some nice activities with her and (unless any of you are in the vulnerable category) gently start letting her interact with other children again.

Cornonavirus is not going to go away. Hopefully the risk will lessen over time but unlikely to completely for many months if not years. At which point do people try to go back to normal? appreciate everyone has a view but staying locked up indoors indefinitely is not good for anyone.

If he's going to be looking after her, then I'd let him decide.

But from what you've written about your relationship in general, I don't think you should be staying together in the long run.

reading your OP again as you seem to be running the whole household then I think you can call the shots in this respect. 3 half days isn't that much and would be benefit everyone, I think you have to try and explain what other PP said which is that the risk to her social development (and 3 really is a key age) is greater than the risk of covid at this point. Perhaps the nursery might speak to him and reassure him regarding what they are doing to keep everyone safe?

@Frazzled2207

reading your OP again as you seem to be running the whole household then I think you can call the shots in this respect. 3 half days isn't that much and would be benefit everyone, I think you have to try and explain what other PP said which is that the risk to her social development (and 3 really is a key age) is greater than the risk of covid at this point. Perhaps the nursery might speak to him and reassure him regarding what they are doing to keep everyone safe?

So if op was the sahp the decision would be purely dps? Or is it just cos he's a man and sahp that his opinion is invalidated?

I also thought my 4 year old was doing great in lockdown, we did crafts, baking, playing endless paw patrol games etc. That was until I sent her back to nursery, it was only on the walk home after picking her up on her first day back that I realised how much she had missed social interaction with her peers. She didn’t stop chatting about her friends and what they had been up to all night. She was the happiest I had seen her in months. She’s an only child with no relatives living nearby also and sometimes I think we, as adults, unintentionally lose sight of how important social interaction with friends is at such a young age.

@mollypuss1 spot on! that's really interesting to hear, and has strengthened my thoughts on this. I've really appreciated all of the views on here, it's been so interesting and invaluable really. Thanks for replying Molly, it sounds similar to our situation, that being an only child and no relatives nearby. thank you for sharing.