I know people have it much worse than me, but honestly at the moment I just feel like giving up on life altogether. Everything I had planned hasn't happened and there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel.
I was meant to get married in March and this has been postponed until October but I'm highly doubtful that will go ahead. It felt like it was never going to be my turn to get married and I had to watch couples who had been together less than time us (we've been together 6 1/2 years) get married and move on with their life. I'm 33 in a few weeks and had always hoped by now we would have kids. But lockdown has pushed everything back. I just as well can't help feel resentful at my partner and blame him for the situation we are in as if we had got married when I wanted to a few years ago we wouldn't be sitting waiting to get married now. I know this is totally unreasonable and it always seems to be happen on my period, my hormones just make me feel so low.
We're in a one bedroom house to which we bought 5 years ago with help to buy as it was what we could afford and it was the height of the market. Of course prices have crashed where we are and the value of our house has dropped so much that we would owe the Scottish Government 20,000 to move. I have no idea how we will ever move and if we do have a baby, paying for childcare would make it impossible to save to move.
I just feel so desperate at the moment. My anxiety is out of control and I'm starting sessions with my counsellor tomorrow over video call which I will hope will help.