A party in the garden

[Realitea]

I’m currently really upset with dh. His mum decided to organise a garden party for sil. Didn’t tell dh about it until a week before and made it clear we’d be expected there and got extremely upset when dh said it was against the rules and due to being high risk (diabetic and BAME) we couldn’t go and it should be postponed. (That didn’t go down well)
He got angry phone calls, crying, guilt tripping.. until he relented and said he would go but without us.
He said he’d leave when others arrived so that there would be only six but of course he stayed and there were 9 of them in total.
One of them works in a covid ward and none of them have kept to the rules throughout. Children with friends over etc.
I now feel dh has put us at risk. He’s home now and I have so far learned they put on food and drink. I don’t know if he kept any distance but I’m pretty sure he would have.
Am I just getting too worked up over this? I’m still washing shopping, constantly cleaning and being so careful. I feel like maybe I’m doing too much and I need to chill out a bit but I’m really worried now he’s done this. I have anxiety anyway and I feel by doing this he’s put us all at risk.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all, OP. Your DH's family are being criminally (literally) irresponsible and your DH should have stood up to them.

I agree. I feel I’ve been taken for an idiot. He said he’d leave when the others arrived but he didn’t. I think it was probably his plan all along to stay, to keep them happy but he did that very sneakily as I agreed when he said he’d leave before the others arrived.
Their happiness above our health. I just feel sick at the moment with anxiety about the whole thing.

Sorry to bring this thread up again everyone but I need some advice
Should dh isolate for two weeks now? He’s agreed to stay in our outbuilding (!) for two weeks (It does have electricity, tv, etc)
He said he ‘thinks’ they were all about two metres apart but also said they were talking face to face. It was a large gazebo and they had food which was all put on a table and they went up to it individually.
He said there were times others walked past closer but didn’t stop right next to him. He said he used hand gel constantly and didn’t touch his phone or go inside the house at all.
I just don’t know what to do. I would never put myself and my family at this much risk. I can’t believe he did! I feel mean making him stay out of the house though

I think I’d struggle to make him stay in the outhouse but I’d be monitoring his temperature

I think you’re OTT to be honest. There’s not a difference to seeing 9 people in one go or 6 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon, plus it sounds like he kept to social distance rules. The chances of them having it and of him catching it are minutely small

I understand that your cross and frustrated but I would just try to take a step back for a moment.

He's clearly been put in a really difficult position with his family and it sounds like he's tried his best to both initially not go but also be sensible whilst he's there.

I know you mentioned you're a slightly higher risk group but its very unlikely hes caught it and even then 14 days would be excessive.

Talk to him about it and see how he feels. Discuss how you are feeling. Maybe just keep some distance from him in the house for the next couple of days and sleep apart.

People are stressed enough at the moment and I suspect he already feels bad. He loses either way either with you or his family. You don't need an extra, unnecessary argument together during this time.

Outhouse sounds like a good idea (lucky to have that option!). I think you should let him get a bed for it though if there isn't one already.

How will he cook? Or does this mean you cook him all his meals and leave them outside? Maybe you could just buy him 2 weeks of microwave meals and a microwave and fridge to put in there I guess.

Does he have symptoms? Is that why you're asking him to isolate for two weeks?

I didn’t sleep well last night trying to figure out what’s best
We did have a talk last night and he did feel very torn between his family and us at home
He tried to please everyone but has now come home to me being very upset that he went.
Maybe he should come back into the house but sleep apart for a while and keep our distance and monitor for any symptoms.
Good point about how 9 doesn’t make a huge difference from 6 if you think of the risk if you saw six in the morning and three in the afternoon.
However I know that seeing lots of different households in quick succession was warned about
I really don’t know what to do

Maybe ask him if he is willing to live in the outhouse? If it suits both of you would seem like a good and easy option.

Well done on being level headed, not rushing to black and white judgement.

He said he was willing to but after just a few hours he started saying it’s a crazy idea. I wonder if it was a bluff and now he realises he is actually going to have to do it he’s backing out

Is it you or your husband who has diabetes? If it’s him then the risk is to himself really & there’s no need for him to be banished to the outhouse unless he is displaying symptoms. If it’s you that’s high risk then that’s a bit different. I guess you could ask him to isolate for a couple weeks if you really wanted too.

In all honesty, the risk of him catching it outdoors is very low. There is mounting evidence that outdoor transmission is really low even if you are less than 2m apart. He’ll most likely be fine.

Just make your decision & then stop worrying. While you both appear well, there’s no point stressing & loosing sleep, what’s happened has happened. Obviously, if either of you become unwell then I can understand the worry but for now, try to find some peace with it all.

In all honesty, the risk of him catching it outdoors is very low

I'm not sure that's true if you're having food and drink together. Would need to look it up.

It sounds like your husband acknowledges logically he should live in the outhouse but is now trying to back track. Could you make it more comfy/liveable for him at all? Get him unlimited phone data if there's no WiFi etc

They broke the rules, but to be honest what they did is probably no riskier then shopping in a supermarket. I wouldn't have gone either. My dh took our son to his mum's to sit in the garden on her birthday with 6 or so other family members. It was fine, safe, everyone was careful. Quarantining him is ott, I get that your anxiety is on overdrive, mine is too, but you can't let it take over your family.

Also being under a gazebo also makes it less safe I would’ve thought as the air can’t carry away droplets as well as it could if it was properly outside.
The food and drink is a risk too.
I think we’ll just have to make the outhouse as comfy as possible. I can take his food to it. I’m still unsure whether I need to start this now or only if/when he shows symptoms

It’s him that’s high risk. I’m overweight but apart from that I’m ok. The children all have asthma.

"My dh took our son to his mum's to sit in the garden on her birthday with 6 or so other family members. It was fine, safe, everyone was careful."
But did one of them work on a Covid ward and had they all failed to stuck to the rules throughout as is the case with OP's husband's family?
As around 20% Covid-19 cases have been caught in hospitals, I would prefer to keep away from staff who work in hospitals.

OP, I think it highly likely your DH has been calling your bluff. Personally, I'd keep to his offer of living in the outbuilding for 14 days to make sure you are safe and to teach him a lesson.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite none of us work in care or NHS, and we've all been extremely careful, so your point is a fair one.

I agree, it was a bluff. Now he’s having to stick with it!

@realitea

Good point about the gazebo. It also encourages people to come closer than you naturally would in a proper open space.

We’ve spoken again and he is now adamant that he kept his distance. Everyone was spaced apart and although food was had, it was on a table and people went up to it in turns so they didn’t get close. He did pass gifts to parents but quickly moved back away after. He also used hand sanitizer regularly.
I don’t know.. maybe he could come in, I’m wondering if I’m being a bit over the top!

A couple of weeks in a quiet outhouse away from the family with food brought to me daily sounds like bliss to me right now.

Yes I’d like it too! He has come back in now though. He hated it.

Maybe you should live in the outhouse and dh stay and cook the meals @realitea