Parents giving in/had enough. What do we do?

[SanityDecreasing]

Hi,

I'm guessing this is becoming more common as the days and weeks are going by, but I'm so stuck and I don't know what to tell them, as we are clearly not out of the woods yet.

My DM isn't over 70, but my dad is, just. Both have been sticking to the rules religiously so far and we haven't seen them now for 3 months plus, now. We used to see them between once a week to once a fortnight and they'd stay with us or we'd stay with them. I have DC, as does my DSis and they're missing them terribly.

My DD will sometimes cry for hours because she misses them so much. I don't tell them this.

They have managed to try and remain positive up until now (think sunshine and wine helped) but when I spoke to them yesterday, I could see they'd hit a wall and were both on the edge of tears. My Dad doesn't often show this kind of emotion.

They were talking like they don't care anymore. They're willing to take the risk. They just need to see us all and cuddle us.

A big part of me wanted to say "yes, let's just do it", but I know we can't, so just did a lot of listening and repeating it wouldn't be forever etc.

I know I'm not alone, so just wanted to speak with others whose parents were perhaps considering giving up. How are you handling it?

Have you given up?

TIA

Can you see them minus the hugs?
I took my DC to play in my in laws garden. They stayed inside the house with the patio doors open.
It was nice for all of us and I believe in line with current rules. We didn’t need to go inside at all.

Bloody hell
If otherwise fit and healthy for everyone all around
I would absolutely be getting together and allowing hugs and kisses etc.

I took my two to see my 94 year old aunt

I think it added 5 years to her life!

Dont sit around waiting for the government to tell you what to do (when they aren't even following scientific advice, and are putting the economy before welfare). Do what's right and see your family.

Do the plastic sheet hug thing.

See them, I wouldn't hug them though.

I met with my daughters and my granddaughter together in the garden for the first time yesterday. We didn't touch or share anything, we've all been being careful.

It's all about risk assessment. If you're comfortable that there's no real risk, then please, please do it. The lack of connection is agonising. And video chats and phone calls don't come close to being in their physical presence.

We didn't hug, though I was desperate to, because I didn't want my daughters to beat themselves up if I acquired the virus at any time, even if it was highly unlikely that the hugs caused it.

I’d see them.
DH is currently torturing himself - he stayed away from Dfil for 10 weeks and now Dfil has gone from having 12-18 months left ( metastacised prostate cancer) to being hospitalised with a UTI and then having a stroke, he’s now got maybe a couple of months and will either be going into a hospice which currently allows no visits or will be having hospice style care at home. I’m sure FiL would have preferred to see his family ( only SiL has been going round ) , even if that meant a quicker death from covid.

The other side of this is that there is a lot of emotional blackmail going on from some grandparents - I've been on the receiving end of this lately and am a keyworker who would have to travel a long way to visit parents. Perhaps you also live a long way from your parents SanityDecreasin as you mention overnight stays.

In the end where adults are not living alone and are in reasonable health they should not be emotionally blackmailing their children into breaking the law.

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, we were going to arrange to see them outside at a distance, but originally my DD was saying she'd rather not see them at all than see them and not be able to hug them. Now it's my mum saying that she just can't see why we can't all hug, when we've all been so careful.

It's so difficult to disagree, because it's true, we have all been careful and maybe it would be worse for my DDs MH (and DMs ...and all of ours actually!) to see each other under such unnatural circumstances.

This is going to sound completely bonkers but my parents did a risk assessment in order to see me safely (I know). They both did risk assessments as part of their jobs.

It was literally to the point of gloves and a mask and a separate hand washing station for me if I needed to pop in to the loo. A big tray of bleach and washing up liquid to put my dishes in. A sun lounger just for me. Etc etc. We never went within 2m of each other and yet were able to spend a lovely day together in their garden (which isn’t that massive, just a city one) and have lunch together.

The gloves were just v v cheap disposable ones like the ones you get at petrol stations, and the mask was handmade by my mum as she makes lots. It wasn’t anything fancy but they had literally thought of everything. It was hard not hugging them but I’d take that over not seeing them at all.

I would see them. They have been very lucky to have each other in this, many elderly or vulnerable people have been entirely alone. Still, it seems like it would be a huge boost for them to see you and meeting up outside should be fine. Not sure about the hugging, I think I would try to avoid if any of you have been anywhere, but if it does happen make sure that faces are kept apart.

Better to live than exist for months in lonliness and fear.

Go and see them, be sensible about contact.

@SanityDecreasing

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, we were going to arrange to see them outside at a distance, but originally my DD was saying she'd rather not see them at all than see them and not be able to hug them. Now it's my mum saying that she just can't see why we can't all hug, when we've all been so careful.

It's so difficult to disagree, because it's true, we have all been careful and maybe it would be worse for my DDs MH (and DMs ...and all of ours actually!) to see each other under such unnatural circumstances.

Honestly, it's really not all that unnatural. We had a lovely time yesterday. We each took our own plates, cutlery and drinks and hand gel, but apart from the hugs, it felt reasonably normal.

Right at the beginning of lockdown I bought my daughters hug rings from Not on the High Street - rings that are like arms meeting in the middle, so hugging their fingers. And one of the daughters sent me a little heart which was a 'pocket hug'. Maybe your DD could find or make something for her grandparents that stands in for a hug in a similar way?

When we left yesterday we all made hug gestures in the air to each other, like blowing a kiss, only with a hug. Maybe you could talk with your kids and see if you can come up with fun ideas like that?

This is so sad. Is it possible to have them move in with you? That way you're one household.

just meet up in their garden/ local park? (Unless they are shielding, but you don't mention that). Others have shared how they were able to do this in a way that brought them together.

The problem with individuals thinking it's ok for them to meet up is that this doesn't just impact them - it's more potential spreading of the disease and more pressure on the NHS etc.

If you really want to do this the safest way is for both households to self isolate for 14 days in advance.

We see my parents regularly. We just stay outside and don’t hug/kiss and keep 2m away mostly. Realistically they’re not getting any younger and so I’d rather make the most of the time we’ve got together.

OP, by all means see them but do social distance and don't hug. It's just not worth it. I know two people who tested positive, one 79 lost his life, the other 63 still isn't right eight weeks later, she's desperate to do things/go out, but too tired and feels generally unwell.

Go and see them. Emotional loneliness and stress harms people too.