Pregnancy - feeling pressured by family to meet imminent newborn

[LittleMrsMama]

Hello,

I'd love any advice or anyone that can share their experiences. I'm due soon and have had been inundated from family and friends trying to reassure me that they are safe to visit and hold the baby... this has ranged from

' I haven't been out of the house apart from the supermarket for weeks'

to '
babies are such low risk you won't need to social distance anymore when the baby arrives.'

One family member got an antibody test to 'prove' she was 'safe' but when it came back negative she blamed the test and said it's wrong and is trying to order another.

This has already put me in an awkward position, especially with DH's family - many of which are key workers and exposed. But even if the lockdown rules were completely lifted tomorrow I just don't know if I would want everyone holding my baby for a while. I'm a first time mum and have had a challenging pregnancy which probably doesn't help.

I've tried to subtly manage expectations but people don't listen. I feel maybe I need to either be really firm or just let things play out and say no once she's here. Any advice? Anyone else going through the same thing?

Your baby, your rules. Even if covid wasn't about, it is still up to you as to when you have people to meet your baby. Be firm. Good luck! 💪🏻

You're in charge and they sound like a bunch of boundary pushing bastards:(
Could you come up with a vague phrase and just repeat it when asked, or just say no?

I think you need to be really firm. If you feel happy with it say you’ll do social distance visiting but if anyone breaks the rules it’s game over. If you aren’t happy with it say either they can see the baby through the window or when you are happy to do social distance visits.

I do think you’ve got to be consistent with everyone. Allowing some people to visit and not others isn’t really fair.

It’s bad enough having family visit a newborn when there’s not a pandemic. You have my sympathy

Stop being subtle it obviously isn't working.

This must be tough OP. I know what’s it’ll like to be stressed out by so many post-birth expectations, but this is obviously on another level.

I think the most important thing is to try to block out all these voices at the moment - practice breathing and relaxation techniques, do whatever mind numbing and low effort hobbies you enjoy, etc. It’s hard but you really need to minimise stress towards the end of your pregnancy and be in a positive place for the birth.

I can’t emphasise how important it is to get your DH involved. A) it’s his family, so he should always be managing them, and B) you will absolutely need a strong advocate during and after the birth, so he should take that role and relieve you of the mental burden.

For now, put them all off. Remain firmly non-committal. ‘Let’s wait and seem, ‘yeah let’s see what happens’, ‘let me get through the birth’, etc. But in your mind it may be helpful to have a game plan. If you struggle to be frank, and post-birth is a ridiculously emotional time, don’t be afraid to just completely BS - ‘baby had a difficult birth, is extra vulnerable, we have been strictly told to self isolate for the first 1/2/3 months of his/her life’. Or find another way. But like I said, DH should be prepared to tell you to switch off your phone and for him to handle it.

I have literally had this argument with my MIL today. She is pushy at the best of times but is becoming worse the closer we get to my due date. Had to explain to her today she won't be able to visit inside the house or hold him unless the rules change. Even though my husband and I told her this together as a joint decision obviously it's my fault and I'm "stopping her bonding with her grandson". I don't normally stand up to her and I really stood my ground so I think this will have upset her aswell. I think it's just a case of our baby our rules and people have to respect it and just get on with it. This won't last forever

I think if it was me I would keep saying “we are following the government guidelines. Happy for socially distanced visits outside in line with what’s allowed but I’m afraid no holding the baby until mixing households is allowed.” Throw in a few “yes it’s a shame I know but we are sticking to the guidelines. Better to be safe than sorry “

And just keep repeating. Remember no one can hold your baby unless you let them, so they can bang on about it all they want but you are in control of the situation. If they come round to the garden and start putting pressure on you just say bye and go inside.

Agree with the PP who said you need to get your OH on board

Good luck!

"I haven't been out of the house apart from the supermarket for weeks' '
My DH's colleague has just returned to wfh after being ill with Covid for 4-5 weeks. She looks and feels awful still and is still struggling a little with her breathing. The only place she had been was to the supermarket.

Stop being subtle. Make sure your DH and you are on the same page and tell everyone, very firmly, in advance that they will be unable to see your baby until social distancing is lifted and you feel comfortable about the situation.

Make sure they know that, if they turn up to visit, you will not allow them into your home. Personally, I'd bin anyone who went against the rules and my wishes on this.

I am currently overdue and getting a lot of pressure about this - like I don't have other things to worry about at the moment so it's really nice to read everyone's advice. Thanks for starting the thread OP!

You say no. And you mean it.

This is your baby. You are the one giving birth, you make the rules.

I’m due in August. No one is coming near my baby for months. Even before covid, no one has come to see my babies for at least 6 weeks. That’s my time with my newborn to bond and I don’t like babies being passed around. They have had their own babies to enjoy.

I’m cold though and it’s tough shit on other people, i don’t care who they are. I honestly don’t care what they think or if they like it or me.

Even if you were just going by guidance re covid, they can’t hold him. They’d need to get more than 2m away.

You don’t have to justify yourself OP. ‘No, I’m not comfortable with that. I’ll send lots of photos and let you know as soon as it’s safe to meet baby’ is sufficient. You can repeat that to any objection. And if someone pushes it more you can reply with ‘am I being difficult to understand? I said no. Please don’t bring this up again, it’s a stressful enough time already’.

I had my first last year before covid and we didn’t have anyone meet him for a couple weeks so we could settle in, I could recover from a horrible labour, baby could have a few health issues addressed. And even when we did introduce him to people I found I felt really anxious about people holding him anyway. It’d make me feel so anxious and upset I’d have to leave the room (knowing I trusted my husband to watch and act). It felt like even seasoned parents didn’t know how to support his head properly, watching relatives who didn’t have newborn experience was excruciating as it felt like his head was lolling back all the time dangerously. I just didn’t like it. A few months in and I’ll chuck him at anyone! But those are some intense early days and important for mother and baby and father bonding, lots of hormones, recovering from a major physical event. It’s okay to say no. Or that you’ll see how you feel when baby arrives.

I wish I’d stood up for myself a bit more tbh and not have baby passed around a room full of people. It just felt so wrong.

We told people before the birth we weren't going to make any plans at all re meeting baby until he was here so we could have some time to see how we felt, how the labour went, whether he was in good health and so forth. I think it’s premature tbh to be arranging visits before you’ve even had the baby. Everyone respected it and if anyone had refused to they’d have gotten short shrift. It’s a time in your life when it’s about you, not anyone else’s feelings. Baby isn’t public property.

Thank you so much for all your replies and support, I can't tell you how much it means to me. I was worried I'm being hormonal and selfish not wanting people to hold the baby etc so good to know others agree and people are going through the same thing.

You're completely right, I need to be firm and I think I'll say what most of you suggest which is that it's a shame at the moment with the guidelines and that we'll need to see what happens when the baby is here with the guidelines but also her own health, the birth, etc. But that for now I need to focus on the last stretch of pregnancy and don't want to talk about it anymore.

I agree one rule for all is important. It's such a shame as my parents have been isolating since March and haven't left the house apart from walks (food shops online etc) because they want to see the baby which I'd be comfortable with if we have 'bubbles' but my DHs family are key workers so have had to expose themselves and would be a much bigger risk to bubble up with. It's my parents fault that my in laws are more exposed so one rule for all would mean a stricter rule for them than is probably needed and not my in laws fault that they're key workers and are doing their bit to keep the country running so should miss out if I was to allow anything different for my parents. I'm sure everyone will just have to suck it up and I do think one rule would be best.

I am really worried about restrictions being lifted though and I'm still not happy for people to hold the baby. I just need to be brave and stern and as some of you have said make sure DH is on board and we're saying the same thing.

Thank you all!

Your baby, your rules.

I’ve never really understood the whole not wanting anyone to hold my baby thing.. I was just grateful to eat my lunch with two hands & have a breather! I had my second just as lockdown started and I’d have paid millions for someone to hold my baby for 30 minutes 😂 I’d still pay millions 11 weeks later! In fact probably more like billions..

Once things start easing up, don’t completely dismiss it. As much as it’s your baby etc, most grandparents are fantastic & just want to give their little grandchild a cuddle & some love! They aren’t trying to do anything bad! The risk to babies & children is low.. so much so, my elder daughter has gone back to nursery as I think my baby has more risk from measles while she still isn’t fully vaccinated!

You’ve got a little while to judge the situation but you need to think about what you’ll do a bit further down the line. You can’t let your parents bond & not your in-laws, it’s just mean on them & your hubby!

Hormonal and selfish
You say that like it's a bad thing!
Of course you are hormonal and you should be 'selfish' you should be focusing on you and the baby.
anyone who's being pushy and domineering at a time when you are vulnerable should be given short shrift!

Don’t feel or say to anyone you’re being guided by the restrictions in the case as you’re just setting yourself up for an awkward situation. Just cos the restrictions are lifted doesn’t mean you’re automatically gonna be okay with it!

I just said to people ‘we’ve never had a baby before so we have no idea how we are gonna feel physically or emotionally so we’ll see how things are after the birth before making any plans’. Nobody can really argue with that.

Nobody has touched my 11-week old and i veer between never wanting anybody near him EVER and bring desperate for family to cuddle him.

You have the rules currently in your side. It might help to invent a medical professional: “The consultant told us to not let anybody near her for twelve weeks regardless of what Boris says” sort of thing, to give you some breathing room.