DH wants me to leave for good?

[advicepleaseex]

(name changed and won't go into full detail for privacy reasons)

Coming to the end of ML and I work for the NHS on the wards, Obviously with everything going on DH and I have been wondering whether I should extend it to 1 year, but yesterday we went for a drive out. The beaches were full, people sitting on fields and no one was social distancing!

After seeing this DH has asked me not to go back at all and to basically leave my job for the duration of covid 19 (so till a vaccine is made or similar)

He said if people can't even stick to the rules to keep 2M apart why should I put our family at risk to look after them at work 🤷🏻‍♀️

What do people think, If i was to give in my notice at this time I am guessing they won't want me back in a year or so 🤨

can you afford it? and more importantly, are you happy with being financially completely dependant on another person? also, how easy would it be to return?

and what other measures are you taking? Is your DH planning on hiding in a cave too until a vaccine is here? Because if you still go out and about, you still can catch it.

Could you take the extra mat leave up to a year, and use the extra time to discuss it together calmly. Without the emotion of seeing people not socially distancing etc.

Weigh up the pros & cons of giving up work, is there an option to move to a different ward or community based role? Is being a SAMH something you had discussed prior to Covid? I would be very wary of giving up altogether, for a start you will have to pay back maternity pay. Could you look at doing bank/agency so you don’t lose your registration & keep skills up to date.

How do you feel about it?

Tbh I'm not a nurse but there is no way that I'm ever going to work in health care again. I quit before this pandemic but my ex colleagues have told me that they are treated just as bad as during the mexican flu. I remember being called hysterical back then for wanting PPE before giving out hundreds of vaccinations. I was in a role where we had to arrange health and safety stuff (sorry I'm not english) for all that worked in our hospital, but that meant all but us. Our health was expendable.

overweight patients or smokers do not put other people at risk?

But you would have been at risk, before he saw those people.

His opinion comes from thinking they dont deserve help.

If you can afford to, I probably would.

Wait what? No

You may be able to afford to and whether you can or not is a separate issue.

Have you been enjoying your career? If you jump out of the career pool now, going back in later will be so so much harder. Some women find it virtually impossible. If you can see yourself being a SAHM for a few years then that's important. But if you enjoy working and want a career then don't bow out of work entirely. Could you find something within the NHS that isn't as patient-facing?

Sorry what I am saying is, he was fine with you going back until he saw pepple not SD.

Its that, thats changed his mind. Not tbe risk to you.

Fnyoy give up work and simply go shopping one day you will be exposed to people anyway. To give up your career does seem like an overreaction for a virus that doesn't kill many unde the age of 60. He will then have more power in your relationship as he's the main earner. What next? You're not allowed to see friends when we come out of lockdown? You're not allowed to go shopping? It's a slippery slope. Keep your job and go part time.

Im a Nurse too and my husband gave me the same offer, I felt like he wanted life to be easier for him and have me at home doing everything so I declined and am still working full time despite being In a vulnerable group, I guess it depends on how much you enjoy work life, I would struggle being a stay at home mum but do what's best for you!!

Thing is you don't know who would be seriously unwell with COVID and who would definitely not survive it.

Even in the care home outbreaks, where the residents are very frail, lots of people survive.

I've seen incredible frail elderly patients come home from hospital having survived COVID.

So you can't simply say 'my FIL definitely wouldn't survive' unless he has a long list of high risk conditions - and even then it isn't a given.

I would extend you ML upto a year if you can and then reassess, and the situation in few months time.

I've been back to work in the NHS a few weeks since ML. I considered staying off longer but ultimately I realised that I couldn't be a SAHM and would much rather be at work.
Somethings to consider though is can you take unpaid leave instead? Leaving for a year will mean loosing your continued practice benefits (AL allowance and what increments of the band your on).

Can you apply for a career break for 12 months, then see how you feel about things after that?

I did this when I was considering retirement (which is clearly a bit different to your situation, but similar in that it too, involves taking a leap into the unknown) as I didn't know if I would feel happy not working at all.

I'm actually thrilled to bits and don't miss it one iota!

@thekarmabus VERY different I can go shopping and keep more than a 2M difference, a day on the ward can be anything from giving out medication to cleaning up some ones bodily fluids and also dealing with a person who is deceased. Much higher chance of getting covid than if I nip to the shop for a load and some milk.

DH is not controlling and is happy for me to work he would just prefer for me to not go back to work at the hospital especially if they are going to send me to a covid based ward.

A lot of my friends have been sent to new places to deal with Covid already and the hospital I work at has many cases from what I have been told.

Go for it then OP! The people who are concerned about your future prospects are only looking pragmatically at a situation as outsiders, without knowing what your husband is like of course. If your husband is well meaning and it's something you want to do, go for it. You might find a lot more happiness, or at least a lot less stress. Good luck x

It sounds like you don’t want to go back OP & would be worried about doing so.. it also sounds like you don’t need to work which is very lucky.

So the only question really is your career. Covid isn’t going anywhere but it will get better. This time next year, fingers crossed it’ll be under control. Do you have a good chunk of experience that you’ll be a valuable candidate to find a new role in a year (or more) time? Where you after a promotion that’ll be put back if you take a break? And perhaps most importantly, did you really like your job?! I love mine, I couldn’t have given it up as I’d have never got it back! And I’m def not cut out for being a SAHM!

I would really consider leaving for a while. When is your pin due for renewal maybe factor this in with the timing.

You post reads to me as though it's you who doesn't want to go back, and your DH is voicing your own concerns.

Have the courage of your convictions, don't go back if you can afford not to. You'll still be needed when you're ready to do so.