Shielding dilemmas

[Jourdain11]

I know everyone is probably sick of reading these threads but I am having a dilemma! My husband and I (sounds a bit like the Queen...) have finally decided on our plan for how we are going to deal with shielding, kids, corona in the immediate future. But two of my friends today have told me that it is "insane" and I'm now worrying a lot...

I have just finished Induction chemo for AML, having been diagnosed shortly after the lockdown. Hopefully (fingers, toes and everything else crossed) it is going to show to have been successful and I can move onto the next, less intense, consolidation stage.

My DC (8, 6 and 4) went to stay with my husband's parents down in Cornwall, because it was all so difficult at the beginning, I couldn't really shield with everyone in the house and we thought that it would be upsetting for them to see me going through chemo, not really having any escape into the normality of school, activities, playdates, etc. We were also worried on a practical level about who would care for them if, for example, my husband got sick with the virus.

They've now been away for over a month and while they've really enjoyed their "evacuation", they all three are wanting to come home. My husband is a teacher and has just had confirmation that he can wfh for the rest of this term to deliver online provision for the kids who aren't going to be back in school.

My children's school (different one) is happy to have all 3 of them in full-time from 1 June.

So our plan is, DC are coming back on Monday and have a week at home, then in school after that (they are all very keen to be back and DS's year group are due back anyway).

We're going to really put in place our "new normal" in terms of changing clothes after being out and hand hygiene next week. And I'm going to shield as much as possible in the house, but not 100% because it just isn't realistic.

I know this is not really in the spirit of the guidance, but it just seems like there is no right thing to do. The infection rates in the SW and London seem low, and I don't want the children to be away "for the foreseeable". It's also a lot to ask of my PIL, they have been amazing, but they can't take it on indefinitely.

I know that I will be still feeling unwell from chemo and DH is working from home, so it seems better for the DC to be in school - both practically and in terms of their wellbeing.

And a little part of me is worried that, what if I don't get better and I have to regret that I sent my children away instead of spending time with them? This is incredibly morbid and unlikely and I don't think like that a lot... but the thoughts are there.

Are we being insane? I'd be very interested to hear what others are doing in a similar situation.

Thanks for reading and sorry for the long spiel...

@Jourdain11 just noticed you have spoke to the school was this after the guidance was published? Do they know you have a shielding letter?

Yep, they do know and it was after the guidance - they did say that they would need us both to write a letter saying that it was our choice and that we were aware about going against the guidance and of the risks. But they seem happy to have them, on this condition.

I get the point about guilt etc. But I'm also thinking, had this happened in normal times, what if one of the kids got a cold or flu or noro and passed it on? There would be potential for the same scenario and I'm not sure that we would ordinarily keep them out of school on that basis.

I think my judgement is also a little affected by the fact that pre-lockdown, all three were in school with no SD, my husband was in school with no SD, I was travelling into central London on the tube for work every day with no SD, and the virus was apparently everywhere. My immunity was already at that point knackered and despite these circs I didn't catch it. I'm aware that means nothing, but...

If the school is happy you need to do what’s you feel is right for your own family. I wouldn’t send mine even if I was allowed because for me personally I don’t want to take the risk with my dc mental health if I was to get extremely unwell. I have balanced that against their mental health from not attending school.
My children don’t really mind not being at school though, they hate being stuck in the house garden but only miss their friends a bit.
Not worried about younger dc education as dh is an ex teacher. Worried about my year ten but they are supporting her really well.

I think you are right to think about it from the perspective of chemo in "normal" times.
Very few people take their children out of school when they are undergoing chemotherapy and a normal flu is as dangerous as Covid 19 for someone on chemo.
You just do your best with handwashing/clothes washing and keeping your distance and I hope it goes well for you 🍀

Thank you!

I'm not over worried about my children's education tbh. They are young enough that they will catch up. I do worry about DD2 because she is the kind of learner who needs things explained (often multiple times) and then takes off with them. But if she is left to figure it out herself she gets in a state and can't do anything. So I feel like it is tougher on her than DD1, who is quite self-directed.

I do feel like there is a risk. But with staying at home all the time, it's just not going to be good for them socially and emotionally, since I can't do all the things for them I normally would.

I also just feel like it can't be good for kids to be separated from their parents long-term. And we miss them, as much as anything else!

You absolutely need to do what's right for you. And my goodness, if the folk on here criticising those "still screaming for lockdown" had any idea of the logistics some of us face right now, I would like to think they would change their tune.

and hope all works out ok for you all.

In your circumstances, do what you need to. I hope it all goes well OP.

I just hope that when DC come back they're not going to be scared by how changed things are. Or, more specifically, how useless and feeble I am! Two months ago they had a mum who went to work, took runs every day, played games with them, cooked their dinner... And now I don't seem anything like that capable, active person. All my hair has fallen out, I've lost so much weight, I have to spend half the day lying down because otherwise I get so tired that I feel faint... Honestly, it is ridiculous! And im a bit scared they're going to be freaked out, by what has happened to their mum. The funny thing is that I still feel the same inside, but I don't know if they'll be able to see it.

Presumably you know about the guidance for if a shielded person has to share a bathroom - the cleaning, you use it first where possible etc

Yep, we were doing that before they went away and will try to get it all operating smoothly.

Plus, it is a good opportunity to train DC in bathroom cleaning

I hadn't seeming the guidance about school and shielding, so thanks to the poster for posting that.

OP you sound like a fantastic mum and you are doing your best with a very difficult set of choices.

@Jourdain11 your kids will still see the same you in the same way that your husband still presumably sees the same you, as they can see past it. I was worried that my baby wouldn't know who I was as my hair fell out during radio when he was 7 months old. He still did. I've now got a hair style reminiscent of a mullet so wear a mix of wigs, hats and it natural as it's not like I'm going anywhere, and every time I change it he looks at me oddly for a bit then just carries on. I know your kids are older, but they'll still know that you're their mum. And this isn't the point of the thread either, sorry.

Hey, don't worry, it was me who went OT! It's not relevant to the shielding... I guess it is kind of relevant to the decision, because I'm just so worried about it being upsetting for them.

Also OT: it is very weird to be alone at home with DH for an extended period - the last time this was the case I was 25 and he was 26!!