Does anyone work in a care home or have family in one - feeling a bit down

[Littlemiss74]

My Dad is in a care home, he has quite advanced Alzheimers. He can’t really communicate anymore but he is still mobile and likes to potter around. We all live locally enough to visit which we would do often and my mum would go nearly every day. He definitely recognised us when we visited even if he couldn’t say our names, his face would show recognition and he would lean forward for a hug and a kiss.

Back in March there was a virus outbreak in his home. Sadly 4 people died but amazingly my Dad seemed to pull through although he had symptoms for about 3 weeks. Obviously all through this time we have been unable to visit and had to just rely on updates from the staff as to how he was. More recently we have skyped him which is lovely for us but I don’t think he understands that we are there. He is also often sleepy so there is little response.

Yesterday I saw my mum at a distance for the first time in weeks. She is a very strong woman who doesn’t show much emotion but she looked like she was going to cry when we spoke about my Dad. She said he has no quality of life and she thinks now he won’t remember any of us when we eventually do get to see him. The carers look after him well but they do not really interact with him so he gets no stimulation at all. He basically just sits in a chair, has food and paces up & down the lounge. My mum says he must be so bored and lonely. At least when we visited we could chat to him, show him pictures and play music and take him outside for walks. Although the carers are great they don’t tend to do these things with him.

Yesterday when I saw my mum’s eyes welling up with tears, I just wanted to hug her tight but I couldn’t. I tried to be positive by saying at least he has recovered from the virus and is well cared for but she just thinks this is the end and he will never remember her. She seemed a bit depressed to me and I don’t know what to say or do. She said she is thinking of going to the home next week and asking to take him out for a walk. I think she feels she is prepared to take the risk now as it’s no good not seeing him for months to come if he is at the later stage of his life. She wants to make the most of the time he has left.

I just wondered if anyone else here is in the same position and how are you dealing with it? Or, does anyone here work in a care home with dementia residents who can give me any insight into what they might be feeling?

I’ve tried to be strong through all of this but am crying as I write this this morning as I feel so sad seeing my mum go through this after 55 years of being with my lovely Dad. I miss him so much and and am worried as I am in vulnerable group it will be even longer before I can see him.

Sorry so long but I needed to get this out.

Hi lovey , I work in a care home , we have a mix of residents in both age and needs , an also have some with some type of dementia .

It must be such a worrying time for you , and your family , can I ask how long your dad has been in the home ? Do they have an activities coordinator? Quite often ours is now spending time with residents individually, looking through family memories etc , helping with video calls , maybe this is something you could ask them about ? We've also had a few relatives come and chat through a window, safe social distancing etc they remain outside , but it's helped the relatives enormously to see their loved ones . You mention about your dad often being sleepy , sometimes that's all too common sadly , due to age , medications.

Care staff have always been looked at in a poor light , low skilled , just do it for the money ( which I can assure you isn't the case ) I've worked in care for over 40 years now an I can honestly say most of the colleagues I've worked with , do it because they are passionate about people and their welfare. There's things we often do behind the scenes that no one sees , you mention that the staff don't interact with your dad , can you explain that a bit more clearly please ? Maybe it's when you are there that they are leaving you to spend that time with your dad , rather than involve themselves during precious time together.
They most certainly spend time with him during personal care , meal times , and we try to encourage residents to get involved with activities , we take them for walks in the gardens , an even during this horrendous time we've still had musicians and singers come into the garden , so the residents can see and hear them from inside.

My heart really does go out to your mum , and you , it's such a horrid time to have a loved one in a care home , but speaking personally I do the job because I love caring for people. The little things I do can make a massive difference to someone's day , an I know many of us carers feel like that.

How long has your dad had Alzheimer's for now ?

We are finding that some residents with alzheimer's are coping slightly better than the ones who have clarity , I don't mean that to sound unkind , it's merely that I guess it's harder for residents with full mental capacity. They are worried about their own families catching c19, they miss and mention their families constantly , whereas residents like your dad who have confusion or are muddled, aren't really aware of what's going on.

Please take some comfort that most care staff are caring people , an we are trying even harder at the moment to lift residents spirits and keep in touch with families as much as we can. As well as carrying on with every day roles, paperwork, personal care etc... It's a tough job, but I feel blessed to have it. Even right now. The smiles we receive from the residents make our day.

Please ask anything else that you're worrying over. I can only speak for myself but I hope it helps X

This was in the guardian ...

Thank you so much for your detailed reply. I am (meant to be) working right now so I will reply in more detail later. That is very interesting that Guardian extract - so does this apply to care homes too or just hospitals? I totally agree this could cause distress to someone with mental health illness like dementia as they are likely to not understand why their loved ones have all abruptly stopped coming. My mum feels like she’s abandoned him. It’s just horrendous to be honest.

I'm really sorry to have to say this but I very much doubt your mum will get the go-ahead to take out her DF for a walk
What if she passed the virus to him and he spread it around the home?
It's not simply about the individual. All of the residents need to be kept as safe as possible.
Also if your DM was able to take her DF for a walk then what about other relatives who wanted to take their loved one out for a walk citing mental health needs?
I just think you need to think of these things and prepare your DM for a 'No'. It will be heartbraking for her to turn up and be turned away.

@Littlemiss74 I am in a similar position to you with Dad in a care home and (I'm assuming) a Mum on her own... It's so bloody awful. Like you we've not seen my Dad since March and Mum is dreadfully lonely and depressed. My Dad is mentally fine and can communicate just fine with us (his problems are purely physical). He and I message every day and video call when we can. His home are brilliant with activities and he has friends there, but alot of what makes a care home are the family visits and interaction, it's so bloody sad we can't visit like we used to.

Could you ask the carers to do some specific things that you used to do for your Dad like playing him music etc? Specifically ask for those things to be done and say you'd like to be updated on how it went.

I've been helping my Mum with things like paperwork (socially distanced) and recently organised delivery and fitting if a new washing machine for her when hers died. Is there anything your Mum needs like that which could help take some weight off? Or could you arrange to meet for a socially distanced walk?

Sorry I feel like my reply isn't that helpful really. Just wanted you to know other families are going through the same. Some days are better than others but it's bloody hard having a loved one in a care home at the best of times without lockdown. x

I understand your feelings, but it's not as simple as just being able to pop in to take dad out for a walk - we've had relatives come in only at end of life stage - we've so far managed to keep the home virus free , none were c19 related.
We discussed the guardian article at work and with big bosses , but with is being virus free it remains too much of a risk to our residents , many of whom are relatively young with brain tumours etc and could have many happy years left yet.
We've not had any hospital admissions either , to also help keep everyone safe.
I don't know if it makes a difference if the home your dad is in has already had it, with regards to mental health needs of residents. It's such a new virus that even scientists are unsure if any kind of reinfection is possible.

Your mum most definitely has not abandoned him, please tell her that , she's doing what the government has asked her to in order to keep your dad, other residents , staff safe . In our role it's impossible to socially distance , or only care for just a few residents in one area, it's of massive risk of spreading once it's in a care setting.

Some staff are also caring for their own elderly parents too or they are also in care homes, so we go through the same worries an emotions. This is a really horrid time , for everybody. X

Thanks - just to be clear my mum would never just turn up. She has spoken to them and they’ve said she could come and see him at the window but she is worried that would distress him if he then couldn’t actually get any closer.
She also is conscious of the virus still but as they have had it throughout the home and they say it has passed I think she thinks it is less risky. I did explain that we don’t know yet of people can get it more than once.
Her thought was to ask if she could go and meet my dad outside with a carer, stay 2m apart from them and sit on a separate bench. She has no intention of going inside the home.
She is going to ring them to see what they say.

I work in a dementia home, work nights. The day staff are keeping things normal as possible. Plenty of activities, same as before lock down. We have a lovely garden which everyone can sit in. They can speak to their relatives either on the phone or skype, if able to.

Luckly we have had no covid cases in our home.

Does the care home say what activities they do with them?

That's a good idea, give the home a call an explain how your mum and yourself feel , and your worries ...
We didn't know how the waving through the window would go down , and were worried that some may be upset. It was a case of just trying it , and see how it went. It's definitely helped a few residents, and reassured some relatives too. X

I work in a nursing home for dememtia residents.
We closed down early, family call day and night and get to ask about their family. Some do come by and chat at the window with their relatives. For some this works very well. For a couple of residents it doesn't work, they got to upset and in turn the family became distressed. So those residents the family decided to just use facetime. We have a couple of iPads just for this.
Activities within the home have gone on as usual, we are actually doing more. For VE day we had a party outside on the lawn, lots of music singing dancing and afternoon tea.

Now we have no hairdresser coming in, wehave discovered hidden talants in some carers, hair is done, make up is done, nails are done, even more often, pictures are taken, meal times shuffle about slightly to accomodate sing along films and games.
They aren't, in a chair, fed, and back to bed. These residents feel like our loved ones too, we are very attached to them, we want the best for them and to keep them safe till you can go back in again.
Visitors are still reserved for End of life care patients, we have had two in the last 3 months and neither had CV.