Helping everyone is starting to wear thin

[Opoly54]

I know I sound like a bitch and I feel like one but it’s going on so long now and it’s getting too much. DH is a key worker, he’s out of the house 6 days a week for 8 hours a day. I’m holding the fort at home with DC. I’m high risk due to an autoimmune disease so I can’t help with the shopping.

On his day off or before work during the week he’s doing food shopping for us, my parents, his parents and our neighbour. We then have to deliver the shopping which is an hour round trip in 2 different directions.

I’m happy to do this for our parents as they’ve done far more to support us over the years.

Our neighbour is shielding and we’re walking her dog daily too. It’s just all too much now. It’s taking so much time, time when I need some support or company at home. Our neighbour could do an online shop but doesn’t want to.

I’m just at the end of my tether. Just wanted to moan really.

Tell your neighbour that you're sorry but you can't help any more DH is getting warn out. Set you and your parents up on Tescos online or similar - if you are vulnerable you can mark yourself as such and get slots (I have done the same for my parents) and 1 Tesco account can deliver to 2 different addresses. Get your parent's shopping and yours delivered then DH no longer has to do it. I regard food shopping as a couple of hours wasted. I do mine whilst I watch the news or something similar.

Your neighbour is choosing helplessness. The minimum order of £40 would easily be achieved in a week and if not a week, 10 days. Give your neighbour a call, get her login details and book a delivery. Then when you get a list, add them. She can then take over. If she has questions, you are there. Better still, get her daughter to sort this. That’s one less to shop for. If she cocks up, put the onus back on the daughter, who is presumably perfectly capable of shopping for her shielding mother.

Set your parents up online. Get a delivery. Go through with them how to do it. If you need to book slots, so be it. I do this for my family. That’s your parents sorted. If they don’t want to do it, they go shopping.

While you’re at it, set yourselves up as well. It’s far easier to get slots than to shop. I’m disabled. I can’t shop. I get deliveries. It was tough at first but now things are easier. I have accounts with a few different supermarkets. Some weeks my order comes from one, some weeks another etc.

Have you looked into getting grocery and vegetable boxes from Marks and Spencer delivered to your parents. They might not be exactly what they would buy for themselves, but it is enough food for several days, so they wouldn't go hungry.
If you did that, even every other week, it would ease the pressure on you a bit.

As for the neighbour, contact her daughter and say that looking after her Mum is just proving too much for you, and you are withdrawing.
Leave it up to the daughter to organise things. Perhaps suggest that the dog has a run in the garden instead of a walk?

Cross post with BlueJava. I’m shopping for family sometimes on their account, sometimes on mine. I have a couple of delivery savers set up with different supermarkets so I can see further ahead with those. I just have to remember to select the correct address and input the correct credit card details at check out.

When I had my operation, I found a dog walker for £10 an hour. If your neighbour is able to afford this, I imagine there are plenty of people willing to walk her dog for cash.

People take advantage of the good intentions of other people shocker

I would tell them in advance that you're only able to help for 'x' more days
Don't offer any suggestions as to alternatives because then they will look to you you to help them with the alternatives

What about saying to your neighbour something like "we need to do your shopping via sainsbury's online this week because dh is very tired - there are some things we like from sainsbury's too so you don't need to worry about the 40 pound limit as we can put our things in too". That might feel easier than saying you just won't do it any more, even though your reasons are good.

In fact you might be able to say to all of them that you'll be doing more of everyone's shopping online even if it's still you doing it. After all, how you get their shopping is your choice really. If in order to do that you also need them to take advantage of any online priority slots they might be entitled to, then hopefully they will cooperate with that. Could you find local veg boxes for family to reduce the amount they need from physical shops, too? What about local wholesalers who are selling food that would have gone to restaurants? There are quite a few options out there, more than at the start if the pandemic.

If you do the initial researching and setting up for family, they might then feel happy taking over responsibility for their own ordering.

Well, the actual shopping and then the hour round trip in two different directions is what is taking the time. Why don't you set up on-line shopping for your parents and in-laws or order it for them but have it delivered to their home addresses? Could you order yours and the neighbour's shopping on-line and, when delivered, just pop their stuff around?

Can you not just re-frame in your mind what you are doing? e.g. You and DH could go for a nice walk together......and take the dog along.

If the neighbour normally has a dog walker then where is the walker now?

If you really resent helping, as it appears, then, in your position, I would contact charitable organisations in your district and source other volunteers who are only too happy to help with her dog-walking and shopping. Don't just leave her in the lurch.

I was shopping for my elderly (90!!) neighbour and this week she told me she had got a telephone number from someone at church that elderly can register for a Morrison’s delivery. She rang and organised it all herself and it was delivered so now I’m let off the hook!

I think you will have to let them know really .Just say to your Neighbour that you are happy to walk the dog for her some days, and tell her DH only has one day off, so is exhausted and cant do her shopping ATM .Offer to set up an online shop or see if there is a volunteer service in the area.Her DD should help more but you cant make her really . Talk to DP and say the same as well .Many volunteer groups have several people to fall back on .It is unfair to expect on person to do it all!

When they said that they were off to the garden centre, you missed your chance to say..."Well get yourselves some food while you're out and that will save Husband a trip"!