I think my mental health is giving up

[einszweidrei]

I have name changed for this.

I've got a history of depression. About 18 years ago I had a really severe episode. I ended up in bed barely eating for 7eeks maybe longer. Barely talked, barely ate (basically lived on bovril and toast which dp coaxed into me). Spent most of my time either sleeping through nightmares or in tears. I can't even properly describe what I felt like or how desperate I am never to feel like that again.

I've had intermittant problems since but I've managed to modulate them because I've been able to start dealing with it as soon as I thoguht it was coming. time alone (even a night in a hotel by myself), walks, writing it all down, shaking up my daily routine - anything to stop me falling into that awful rut again...

but now virtually no time alone. No walks alone (always a child with me). Pouring things out on paper not enough I'm missing my family, exasperated with DP and the DCs and the house is falling into cahos around me. I cry all the time for no good reason. I can't home educate I'm rubbish at it. I've not showered for 4 days because I can't summon the energy I probably stink.

I'm worried about DD's mental health too she's 14 and missing all her friends and school and well everything and DS (7) is just exhausting.

I have all the things I need - pleanty of space in the house. Enough money. Enough time but the inside of my head is awful. I'm waking every morning feeling exhausted, my nightmares and daytime life are merging. I've got epilepsy and the seizures were controlled but they've started again and when I tried phoning Gp they said speak to hospital who said speak to GP who said speak to hospital.. even the slightest thing is getting on my nerves

Lockdown is literally doing my head in.. I feel such a fucking fraud when other people are going out working in awful frontline jobs and living away from their family and risking their lives.

I have to have some time alone... not just half an hour but an extended period of time and there's no way of having it.

I seem to have a permenant headache...

Sorry sorry sorry I had to put this somewhere... I can't do this anymore except i need ot go and wash snot and tears off my face and cook lubnch and hang up the washing and pretend everythig is ok and smile

Sorry to hear that. Could you other half offer some alone time? Take out the kids for an hour or keep them inside while you sit in the garden for a bit? Or just take a really long bath?

Hannah2199 thank you for replying.

Pathetic though it sounds, I'm not sure it would be enough I think I need at least 24 hours at this stage. I know it sounds ridiculous.

Pouring all that out seems to have helped a little. The washing is on the line, everyone's had lunch except me as I am not hungry. The house is still a tip though.

DP is with DS and DD is on the phone to one of her friends.

Now I'm upstairs in bed. I'm about to take pain killers in the hope of helping my head and all the body aches and pains I can still feel from last seizure. I need a shower really but it seems an uphill effort... there are things that HAVE to be done - washing cooking etc. and things that woiuld be nice to get done - shower, tidying etc.

So tired of it all.

Sorry for bringing the tone down on this board I want to be more positive but I'm so numb I don't know where to begin

Can you have 24 hours to yourself at home? DP and the children do their own thing and you have a room to be in?

If not, I think you & DP should prioritise you having daily walks alone.

Can you ask DP to run you a bath, or ask him to make you a cup of tea to have straight after your shower, so you can shower, sit in your towel/dressing gown & have tea before having to do anything else?

Have you spoken to your GP or psychiatrist? What’s your medication situation?

Lockdown is literally doing my head in.. I feel such a fucking fraud when other people are going out working in awful frontline jobs and living away from their family and risking their lives.. This stood out to me. If you are not a frontline worker, the absolute best thing you can do is look after yourself. You have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about. You are not a fraud.

On a very practical note - try to drink plenty of water. It will help with headaches. If you can manage a shower or bath, that might also help you feel less headachey. Make sure you eat - it doesn’t matter what, just something. Yogurt, ice cream, things you don’t have to chew can be good! And hot drinks - herbal tea is best.

Please look after yourself while you make a plan for next steps - I feel this must include your GP or psychiatrist- you clearly need support and that is okay. You’re a worthwhile and valuable person who’s worth taking care of.

thank you so much for your kindness.

I am strongly considering a night in the spare room. Not so easy to be a alone as DS likes to come and sit on the bed and chat but I think its getting close to the stage where I'll have to talk to DP about it. I've being trying to hide it. there's enough to worry about at the moment.

I am not on any medication I have avoided it. I was on prozac years ago and it made me suicidal. I have something for my epilepsy and I'm grateful for it. Going on anti-convulsants changed my life - I didn't realise how ill I was until I wasn't (does that make sense). You are right though I probably do need to talk to my GP if I can manage it.

DP ordered Chinese for dinner and I had some chicken and sweetcorn soup.

I'm going to try to have a shower, brush my teeth and put on clean pyjamas now. So stupid something so simple should feel like a huge challenge but it does

I hate lockdown. Sure I'm not the only one

I understand. I feel the same. I want to try medication but am scared. I feel like I'm falling apart. We don't have a spare room or I would be there! I need to go out I think but also scared of going out. I seem to have lost my ability to reason!

A lot of us in your situation OP

I’m really sorry

Hi OP, I can empathise.
The following is going to sound really simplistic so for that I apologise, I know it isn’t easy but might help so thought I’d share.
Get washed and dressed each day (even if you don’t want to), make sure there are nice treats in the shopping delivery, order healthy convenience foods so you don’t have to use energy cooking, not getting too hung up on how much tv time the children have if it makes the afternoon a bit easier, spend 1 hr quality time with the children each day so that if you’re feeling rubbish the rest of the day, you at least don’t have to add guilt to that feeling that you haven’t spent quality time with the children - this might also help your 14y/o too.
Think about possible options when you can get get that all important alone time and keep that in mind.
And yes it’s lockdown, but if your MH gets any worse, could you go and stay with your parents/family/friend for a day or two. I’d class this as essential care in terms of whether it’s in the rules or not.

Thank you for your replies, and especially for not telling me to pull myself together and get on with it (which is what i keep telling myself to do)

ces6 sorry you're feeling awful too its a horrible feeling . I hope you can get hold of your GP and get some help.

Namechangewhy thank you for taking the time to write and for your advice. You're right of course. When I got up this morning, I made sure I washed and dressed and brushed my hair and even those tiny things helped me feel more human.

I also managed that shower last night and instead of lying awake worrying about going back to sleep at 3am I went down stairs and cleaned the kitchen and made lamb burgers and a greek salad and a carrot raisin and walnut salad for lunch today. Then had a cup of mint tea and went back to bed. It was lovely getting up knowing I'd done something useful and bizarrely I felt more rested than if I'd just stayed in bed

Sorry rambling on needlessly. Today seems a better day but I'm not complacent .. perhaps Boris will cheer us all up later.. probably not though!