I like to think of myself as a rational person.
I’ve never really let things get on top of me.
Always been the optimist.
At first I felt okay with everything going on, I tried to live life as normally as I could for my DD who is 10 months old.
I’m on maternity and DH is furlough so neither of us are leaving the house much.
I think this is where my problem started.
Lack of routine and normality.
It’s given me a lot of time to think!
I’m starting to feel incredibly scared of what our futures will look like.
I’m anxious that either myself or DH will be struck down with Covid and what this would mean for the care of our DD should we become seriously ill.
I’m in the high risk category having asthma, although this is mild, well controlled and never caused me any problems, I’m petrified that I am destined to die of this virus.
I’ve started going to the extreme of obsessively cleaning the house.
Quarantining our mail.
Deep cleaning every single item of shopping we have delivered, every week.
Today our shopping was delivered and I became hysterical after seeing the delivery driver touch items of our shopping removing them from the van!!
I’m starting to feel frightened on our daily walks at the sing of any other people, someone walked past us a few days ago without adhering to the 2M rule and I couldn’t sleep that night for worrying!
I would go as far as to say all of this is making me start to feel quite depressed, exhausted and miserable.
I’ve gone from seeing a bright and happy future, with lots of things to look forward to, to one that I’m now very scared of and not sure what lies ahead.
I hate the uncertainty and the worry this is causing me.
I don’t know what’s happening to me. I have never worried like this before and I have to admit I’m finding it very hard to cope right now.
At first I couldn’t wait for lockdown to be over, but now I’m actually hoping it continues.
The thought of DH returning to work any time soon petrifies me.
I’m not even looking forward to socialising again.
The thought of seeing family or friends feels very frightening to me and I don’t want them around the baby with the threat of this virus looming.
For the past few days I’ve had to take some time to come for a nap, away from DD.
But really I lay in bed and cry.
I close my eyes in hope that the way I feel will leave me alone for even just a short while.
I don’t know if I cry for the life I miss or the life that I’m worried we’re going to have in the future.
I cry some days because I just feel so frightened and trapped.
I just really don’t see how I’m ever going to get back to my old self and comfortably enjoy life again knowing the threat of Covid is alway going to be there.
I don’t think I can cope constantly feeling on edge, deep cleaning my shopping etc.
I long so much to feel like my old self again.
I just cannot shake this awful, gloomy feeling 😞
The only time I feel free from the way I feel is when I’m sleeping 😔