My 18 year old isn't coping with "lockdown".

[ThisMustBeMyDream]

My son turned 18 in March. He has a girlfriend, is studying at college and had planned to do an apprenticeship come September. He had been toying with the possibility of uni also.

Over the last few weeks, his life, as he feels, has "turned to shit". He can't see his girlfriend. He is stuck in the tiniest box room. There are are barely any engineering apprenticeships, and those few there are he hasn't got - huge competition for the few that may trickle through. He found out that his college had enrolled him on to a course that was not the one he originally applied for - so doesn't give him ucas points even though it is at level 3. He originally did 1 year at level 2 as he didn't quite meet the minimum requirements for level 3. His 2nd year was supposed to be the 2 year level 3 course. He has been enrolled on a 1 year level 3 course in the same subject. All his level 2 coursemates were transfered to this same course. He can't transfer to the other level 3 course (I asked). He would have to do 2 more years at college if he wanted to to uni basically.

So tonight he has basically had a breakdown, there has been screaming, swearing, shouting, throwing an open can of coke at the walls, running off in just pj bottoms, and once I got him back home he is saying he wants to die. He won't access GP help (will try and revisit that again tomorrow). He feels he has no future right now, and that everything has been taken from him.

I'm at a loss. Wtf do I do to try and give him some hope. He wants to see his girlfriend, and wants to know he can move on to his future in September.

Is anyone else parent of a young adult in a similar situation? How do I help him cope through this?

My 20 year old is in tiny box room. Not a good vibe. Its tough. Im considering moving the 20 year old into the bigger room for duration of summer, and swopping rooms in house around a bit. I think a socially distanced meeting /walk might make all the difference. Or with another mate or friend. At 4m he isnt any more dangerous than to a random person in supermarket queue. Social contact outside and a bit of exercise is the only way they can put things in perspective. I have two 18 year olds and the short evening dog walk daily is the only thing that keeps them sane. 20 year old slowly going potty, but at least has some uni work.

Some unis also do foundation years as part of degree, he could live in halls and see girlfriend without the frontline issue at home.
Its great you are playing monopoly, although in our house it also leads to fights.

Engineering diploma EMTA level 3 is the course.

eal.org.uk/record/2641-level-3-diploma-in-mechanical-engineering-technology

I don't think he sounds 'petulant' or is 'behaving like a 5 year old' I think he sounds like a scared, frustrated, lost young man who hasn't quite figured out how to channel his feelings yet! He'll get there, talk through it with him about how he reacts to situations when he is struggling

Now I'm older I can rationalise things so much better than when I was 18, back then I'd have felt the same as your son - that my whole life was ruined and everything had gone wrong. We all know as older adults that life rarely goes to plan and you have to figure out a way to navigate that accordingly - at 18 he doesn't have much experience of that yet, none of us did have, and I doubt he'll be willing to listen to reason.

I'd get him to write a bullet point list of everything that is bothering him/he feels has gone a bit wrong, and sit down with him and one by one, either fix it or create a list of viable alternative options, this will clear his head of his anxieties and hopefully make him realise that things are going to work out, maybe just not exactly as he thought.

Also, he needs to speak to college for clarity, his courses are his choices to make, not theirs!!

I don't know what to say except I hear you and I believe some relief will be coming soon for these young people who have literally have their worlds swept from under their feet. My nearly 18 year old has also lost so much but is managing to hold on in the hope that (like a prisoner) his release date is going to be announced soon. Not so that he can live like he did before but that he can see some of his friends in a controlled way, that he can possibly go back to his part-time job again and that he can believe he has a future ahead and he can start his planned uni course, because he is just not seeing that at the moment.

Good luck to you and your son, it has to get better because this living death is absolutely no life for the young adults in this country.

What you describe is the experience of the significant minority of young people who have been struck with chronic or severe lasting illness unexpectedly. At least young people constrained just by covid/ lockdown don't have the physical element of that to deal with, they have a lot more hope for a 'release date', and they aren't odd ones out being regarded as freaks or malingerers while everyone else gets on with life.

I recognise what you say and its true, I feel for these people and I hope things improve soon as I believe they will. It is serious and they need support as while most will bounce back for some it could be beginning of a spiral.

I just find it hard to read all these descriptions and complaints relating to lockdown without anyone ever seeming to realise that this has been happening to people all the time, and worse. It's just that normally those who can carry on regardless don't notice, care or empathise. Maybe this is a teachable moment for some regarding that.

OP I think Lilac has made some really good suggestions. If he could get out of the box room and the house and feel like he is doing something constructive through work or volunteering it might boost his mood and he will know he is doing something good for the CV too. Also, if he has the technical access, are there any online engineering or relevant courses he could do, with Coursera or a similar provider? Some of those really do count in future opportunities and it might feel like something aimed at his ultimate goals.

For what it's worth, I think he will be able to see his gf soon as lockdown eases. The board games might be a good thing. He might have been bottling up frustration and actually feel better for communicating with you and letting it out a bit. I know you'll keep a close eye on him. If it does get worse do get medical advice.

If it's any comfort to him OP I think that people who are you ge and fit so very low risk, but old enough to be able to follow any guidelines better than children could, will be some the first to get back there freedom of movement and access to work.

I hope the gf can step in a bit and cheer him up, if he continues to be really low is any kind of meeting possible, even a socially distanced walk?

It's very hard for you both

Young not you ge

It is so hard. I have four teens at home and they seem to be coping ok but so much is on hold and this generation are going to suffer badly. Ds3 seems depressed, he is very quiet and barely comes out of his room and is missing his girlfriend, ds2 finishes college in a few weeks and was hoping for an apprenticeship but everything on hold right now. All are limited in finding jobs as dh is shielding. I'm just trying to keep everyone's spirits up with small things to make life more bearable - chocolate, favourite meals etc, anything else is out of my control really. I hope your son feels better soon and can agree to access some help.

Well 18 year olds can easily slip back into child mode. They’re not mature yet.

This is really difficult for all of you sorry to hear that. Just carry on being there for him as you are doing (obvs don’t put up with any violence). Maybe try and go out for exercise with him. Offer to jog or walk with him somewhere - in silence if he’d prefer it.

I really feel for him, I’m finding it hard as an adult to not lose my shit sometimes at the moment.
It sounds like it’s all blown up, and hopefully he’ll feel better (and a bit sheepish) for getting it out.

Is there anyway/does he have anything relating to engineering to do at home? Could you help him get a cheap 3D printer or something similar? Some stuff in a shed to tinker with? It’d be good experience going forwards and something to put on his cv, but also something to do while stuck at home.

It’s so hard for them - people our age are struggling so it’s jut surprising that youngsters are. This is an unprecedented time.

The year out feels like the end of the world but it’s small potatoes. My d had to take a year out of education due to developing an eating disorder at 15/16 - I made that decision for her and she hated me for it. But she needed intensive treatment and ultimately 5 months in hospital. She stepped back into education with the next year group, sat A levels and is now a medical student. Lots of her cohort are a ‘year older’ for many reasons - health, caring for a relative, failed exams, travel, worked for a year to save up money etc, it makes no difference and actually the extra year of maturity is sometimes a good thing. Plus the girlfriend is probably likely to go to uni the following year.

Dd is in lockdown with her boyfriend. They are a bit older at 18 (him) and 19 and have been a couple for two years, but it is helping them cope. I wondered if it would be too much for them, being together 24/7 but they’ve both got study to do, he runs every day etc so they’re not suffocating each other.

It really is hard for them at this age. No school, no friends, no gym, no job to go to, no girlfriend. And just your family for company. It’s honesty an 18 yr olds idea if hell.
Boys will talk more side by side so in the car or walking rather than face to face. I try and get my ds18 out for a walk with me once a week - it doesn’t always happen but the option is there.
I feel there’s hope. Apprenticeships are few and far between and unluckily he’s not been able to get on one at the moment but tell him to keep looking. What type of engineering does he want to do? Has he actually applied to uni? Could he do a access course or foundation year before starting in an engineering course?
He needs to learn that life doesn’t always go the way you plan it so he needs the skills to deal with that.

He sounds scared and frustrated, which is understandable, however he needs to know that he can not let loose like that in your house, especially if you have younger children. We have all felt like lashing out when we were younger but knew that it was wrong so held back. You should have a talk with him once he has had time to think about what he did, not as a lecture but to discus his feelings and maybe look together at options he can do to help him achieve his goals. I think you need to check in with each more so that there is not a build up of emotions, but I know that is hard with teenage boys as I've got 2 in their twenties now. It is immaturity and not knowing how to deal with his emotions that has led to this but he needs to talk more and you can reassure him that it's not as bad as he thinks. 💐💐 For you as it can be so hard trying to parent a young adult as the the things that worked in the past no longer do.

He needs to calm down. All of us are going through the same shit! At least he is safe and secure at home and not working on covid wards or care homes. It could be a LOT worse! I hope he feels better now after he has done that and start to think rationally about things. If he misses his girlfriend, can't he video call her? I know it's not the same but we've got all this amazing technology, now is the time to start using it and get socialising again.

Oh stop virtue signalling about your perfect kids who never put a foot wrong.

It's fine for him to get angry. My ds isn't. That's not because I am a perfect mother, anything but. But he's laid back and has some sort of sense of proportion (most of the time, he is a teenager after all).

OP I agree with the pp's who have said that he needs to understand that he is very young and he can easily get his life back on track. It's difficult at 18 because everything kind of moves in lockstep and it's difficult to get off that treadmill - is GCSEs, then A levels/equivalents, then uni/job - when all your friends are staying on it. I did a four year degree course and felt a bit odd when some of my friends were graduating after the more normal three and I did feel slightly left behind, but in the scheme of things and average working lifespan, it's nothing. And it was well worth the extra year.

But a lot of kids are going to have their plans disrupted, and even those who can carry on may have things brought into sharp relief by this and decide that they want to do things differently. Y12s may decide to change their courses, for example. It's difficult to accept that when you're 17/18 but I am sure that if he speaks to his college he can come up with a solution/plan.

Some universities will be desperate for students in September, as the Coronavirus means that international admissions numbers are expected to be well down. Your DS may be able to get a place even if he doesn't have the normal entry requirements.

It looks like that course won’t allow him to go directly to a degree, but he would be able to go to university to do an HNC in Engineering. So he does have some options.

“Oh stop virtue signalling about your perfect kids who never put a foot wrong.”

really?

I really feel for teenagers at the moment, there's so many changes for your son. When I was a teenager I was so self centred and I struggled to see beyond my own life. As adults we know that he has loads of time to find an apprenticeship, he can go do this next year, he is only at the start of his working life. But he is struggling to see that, and I would have been exactly the same at his age. In reality who knows when educational settings will even reopen? Could he speak to a career advisor? Give him real life stories of friends and family members who have taken a little while to start their career

I echo what previous posters say, get him busy. Do you have wider family that you could FaceTime as part of a family quiz night? Could you get him to cook a special meal with you? Cinema night at home? Go out for walks, particularly with you where you can talk? What about your local community- do they need volunteers? A lot of communities where I am have volunteers walking dogs, dropping off goods and collecting prescriptions for local residence

I hope you find something that helps x

I can understand how he's feeling; there's a lot going on at the moment, none of it good, and with no distractions or things to keep him occupied, and no release date to count down to.

If there's no one especially vulnerable in the two households, I'd let him go and see his girlfriend. At least having that one bit of social contact might help him to cope a bit.

He sounds like he’s grieving over the loss of certainty, his plans, everything. And at 18 we just don’t have a lifetime of experience ‘in the bank’ to draw on in order to perspective take. What can he control right now? Doesn’t have to be huge. Can he Skype call his girlfriend every day? Can he get out to have a run or other exercise? Staying in will tend to make him feel more paralysed. As pp have said, he may find post-lockdown that universities are offering different options. What is it about engineering that he likes? What is he like as a person? Could be there are some great roles out there that he’d love. He probably isn’t ready to think this way yet, as he’s feeling all his plans and his future are dashed. Acknowledging it’s shit and helping him express feelings safely is ok for now.

I feel really sorry for this age group - this lockdown is against all their natural instincts.

I know one teen who has been meeting his girlfriend for distance walks. If it were mine I’d suggest it. Mental health is important too. Obvs don’t if you are worried about your health etc just saying what I would do.

So sorry for you and your DS.

For you: have a look at www.nicolamorgan.com/ she is brilliant at understanding the teenage brain. The fact that he thought you were laughing at him really chimed with something she said in a talk I went to.

For him: he may be able to self-refer to online counselling which he may prefer to seeing the GP.

I have 2 DS, (18 & 22) both at points in their lives where they should be moving on (finishing A levels and finishing degree)but are in limbo due to the current situation. Both are finding it hard.