Can't deal with the anxiety when I leave the house...

[Kittypillar]

Just that really. Mental health is massively taking a battering because I feel so tense every time. Thankfully this isn't very often and only for midwife appointments (very heavily pregnant right now) or sending DH out for food whenever essential. I always take hand gel with me and do try to be as careful as possible but it's still so emotionally draining...

Today, after I got back to the car from a blood test with midwife, toddler was kicking off and I had to wrestle her back into her car seat. She was thrashing so much that while I was trying to do this I accidentally caught her in the mouth with my finger. I'd hand gelled my hands after leaving but now convinced (because it was the hand I used to open the door as I left the midwife's room) that the hand gel won't have worked/I won't have been thorough enough etc, and I've probably made my DD sick now and it's all my fault.

Been crying on and off since we got home this morning. DH being very sweet but I think he thinks I've lost it. He's probably not wrong. I've struggled with anxiety since I had my daughter anyway, which I was starting to get a handle on before all this kicked off.

Not sure what the point of this post is really. I just hate that I'll now be watching and waiting with DD, I'm upset at myself for letting it happen and I'm upset at myself for being such a wreck at the moment it feels like an exhausting way to live.

Sorry you are feeling like this op . Anxiety is awful.

You are being very hard on yourself. Virtually every aspect of pregnancy and parenthood is anxiety provoking and in these current circumstances, the anxiety is quadrupled! And being pregnant whilst looking after a feisty toddler must be very draining, which doesn't help. You haven't lost it. What you are experiencing is very normal. Why not tell your dh you need to rest, take some time out today and relax a bit, if that is possible? Do something to take your mind off things or just sleep or listen to podcasts?

And please don't blame yourself for accidentally touching your toddlers mouth! You can't socially distance yourself from your infant when putting her in to a car seat for her own safety!

I know it's more easily said then done but try not to worry. If we look back on all the things that made us anxious in the past, 99% of the time things turn out much better than we fear!

You haven't "lost it" you're just struggling with stress and anxiety.
Have you spoken to your midwife about how you feel? It's nothing to be embarrassed about and doesn't make you a bad parent.
I would advise you to develop some coping strategies for your anxiety. That would help you feel more "in control".
My mental state is greatly improved by limiting the CV news I watch. Just looking at the update bulletin is fine; don't let it consume your thoughts. Also reduce the amount of time you spend looking at CV related social media.. Try a day off from all news.

One strategy that can help anxiety is the Apple technique for anxiety which is worth looking up. It's a simple step strategy to use when your anxiety is particularly bad.
Anxiety UK are still operating and offering support. Email ([email protected]) or ring 03444 775 774 to speak to someone.

I think it really helps just to speak someone and offload a bit. Acknowledge your anxiety and try not to catastrophise situations. Most people suffering with anxiety are finding it very difficult at the moment. You're not alone.

Thank you both for the kind words and advice I really appreciate it. I think I probably do need to mention to my midwife how I feel, it feels very overwhelming at the moment and I'm starting to really struggle.

I've been crying on and off today and keep banging on to my husband how worried I am about DD. He's still being very kind and reassuring but a paranoid voice in my brain thinks he's just saying things to calm me down and I have massively screwed up

You haven't massively screwed up. You used hand gel after your appointment so there was very little risk so it's really just your anxiety talking. It's easy to say but try not to be consumed by the obsessional thoughts and dwell on unlikely worse case scenarios.

It sounds a bit wanky to say practice mindfulness but it can be useful just to take yourself out of your thoughts for a while. You can do that by concentrating on a task; could be anything like reading a good book, colouring in a picture, clearing out a cupboard, just doing your nails, watching your favourite film or something. That will take you out of your negative thoughts for a while.

Also aim to get out in the fresh air once a day for a walk. That'll help your mood. And talk to your midwife. It'll help to talk to someone neutral. You don't have to put a brave face on and pretend everything's ok. You're also probably hormonal in late pregnancy. It's alright to have a good cry sometimes

It's worth taking some action now and recognising your anxiety. You want to avoid it developing into a phobia of going out at all. Your husband sounds nice by the way.