How do I stop my neighbour talking to us?

[Naithnira]

I take toddler DC in the garden to play every morning. For the past three days my neighbour has climbed up on a chair to chat over the 6ft fence. She doesn’t seem to notice me literally pressing myself against the opposite fence until she goes away, and I’m too polite to just say “we’re not talking to you”. Yesterday I was in the house when I saw her handing chocolate biscuits to DC over the fence. So I went out and confiscated the biscuits, then she went on a long rant about how people should be social distancing and you can’t relax the rules because you’re fed up, and was saying how she works with Covid patients but has insufficient PPE...

AIBU to think that if she works with Covid patients she shouldn’t be passing biscuits to a two year old over the fence? How the heck do I get her to leave us alone? She’s lovely and means well but she’s putting us at risk. We’ve been shielding for six weeks due to a lung condition, running out of essentials and just coping because we didn’t want to put ourselves at risk by going out - then she comes along and just undoes all our effort.

Last summer she talked at me for an hour and I fainted because I’d been standing for so long. Had to sit down on the grass and she still talked at me for another half an hour

Did you do the whole dramatic back of your hand against your forehead thing as you went down

OP if that’s your attitude it is very unfair.

The neighbour's attitude is unfair! She's had covid and continues to work with covid patients. I mean, thank you for your hard work and all, but seriously, the neighbour is totally desensitized and being thoughtless.

OP, it sounds intolerable. Get the trellis up, ASAP and fast-growing climbers! Your DH is right, better to be rude than get covid. But I am not sure she'd get the message. Most gasbags don't get the message. You shouldn't have to ask her not to pass the covid biscuits over the fence. She should know not to do this. You fainted! Presumably, she witnessed this and still, it didn't occur to her that her holding you hostage with her non-stop chinwagging made you pass out? She sounds unbearable.

I think you're being a bit of a pushover here OP, she didn't pin you down last year to talk to you for an hour. It's perfectly ok to listen for a few minutes, and then make an excuse and go indoors.

So, this isn't just about Covid risk is it OP? This is about her getting on your nerves for some time, so now of course you will be more anxious, because of her job.

You need to get assertive, polite but firm, no need to be rude.

People can only talk to you if you let them!
(I channel my inner Nessa - "Oh. I'm not being funny like, but back off."
Worked like a charm on the guy in the queue for Tesco this morning )

It's rude to peer into someone else's garden whenever you fancy it. She shouldn't be giving your child biscuits and that's so basic, it's worrying she works with covid patients. You're gonna have to say something if you want it to stop, she clearly doesn't understand hints.

Who stands in the garden, in the sun until they faint?! Then talks for another 30 minutes?!
I literally couldn’t get away from her. It’s rude to interrupt and she never stops talking, there’s no break in the conversation to escape. I was silent and she just talked AT me, while I looked at my watch and gradually stepped further away. I kept saying “well I must be getting on” but she just kept talking. Then I crumpled to the grass, not unconscious but all woozy, and muttered “ooh I’m dizzy, ohhhh I feel sick, I need to sit down”. She didn’t even acknowledge it, just continued talking for another half an hour while I sat there silent and feeling funny. This is why I avoid her, because it’s a one sided conversation and you can’t get away once she starts.

It's perfectly ok to listen for a few minutes, and then make an excuse and go indoors.
Why should I have to go indoors when I don’t want to, just to make her leave me alone?

So, this isn't just about Covid risk is it OP? This is about her getting on your nerves for some time, so now of course you will be more anxious, because of her job.
Yes she’s always been like this and I try to avoid her. But previously it was just annoying. Now it’s dangerous.

I literally couldn’t get away from her

You literally could, OP. You could just have walked away.

It’s rude to interrupt

It's also rude to talk and talk and talk at people. Honestly OP, you just need to be more assertive.

Tell her you have a bad ear infection and can’t hear anything, then go about your business as if she’s not there.

You literally could, OP. You could just have walked away.
I have to live next to her, and next to the other neighbours whom she would undoubtedly tell about my rude behaviour. And then they’ll say “ooh really, Naithnira did that?!” and it makes me look bad. I don’t want to offend her which is why I’ve put up with her until now.

Ffs. You don't stand there until you faint and then continue to sit there for another half hour!

Put your hand out and say sorry to interrupt but I really need to get on. Bye.

You know they are all just as irritated by her incessant wittering don't you?

I'm sorry but you stood in the sun until you fainted then listened for another 30 minutes?!?! That's so silly. You can be assertive without being rude. Wear head phones with music playing when you're in the garden. If you see her peeping over the fence, smile and say," hello I cant hear you because I'm listening to music". If she offers anymore food to your child, say no thank you she isnt allowed. Teach your daughter about germs making people poorly so to say "no thanks".

There are ways to assert yourself without being rude. If you politely say "I'm sorry, it was nice chatting but I really have to go now" anyone who's offended by that isn't worth your time anyway, as they're not respectful themselves.

The fact that she’s had Covid is irrelevant. Anyone can carry the virus on their hands and that aside, she should have asked first if you minded the child having biscuits.
I wouldn’t worry about co I got across as rude. She sounds that eccentric that she wouldn’t notice you being a bit more brusque.
There are multiple articles online that deal with this. Here’s one:
www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-couch/201204/5-steps-dealing-people-who-talk-too-much

The only way with people like this is to say a cheery "must go!" and literally walk away. If they tell people you are rude, those people will know exactly what she's like anyway, and why you walked away. They'll either already do the same themselves or envy your resolve.

Giving your child food from her hand, during COVID, which she is daily exposed to (and would have to get well within 2m of your child to hand over?!)? She'd be cut dead. Theres zero point being polite to someone like this who is wilfully and selfishly a hazard to you and your child for relief of her own boredom and to satisfy her need to hold court. Fuck her.

Bluntly you have 3 options

First continue as you are now and be miserable

Second, all go inside every time she does this and she may or may not get the hint

Third have a clear and polite conversation about how you are shielding and whilst you are not implying she is going to transmit it, you really want to stay 2 meters from everyone who is not your household to protect your own health. So grateful if she could stop appearing at your fence like this as it gets you too close to her and you find it stressful.

I feel for you, OP, neighbours like this can be exhausting. But, as others have said, you HAVE to enforce your own rules around dealing with her because otherwise you're going to be spending many, MANY hours standing in your garden listening to this windbag prattling on and on.

I know many people talk AT others because they're lonely - but part of the reason they're lonely is because they push people away with their incessant talking and inability to share a conversation equally. I would hate to live next door to someone like this, and you've every right to use your garden without fear of your neighbour invading your space. Putting a chair up so she can talk at your over your fence is RUDE and unwelcome, but clearly she doesn't know - or refuses to even consider - this.

Get assertive!

Could you wear really obvious headphones? Even if you're not listening to anything it would give you an excuse to ignore her under the pretence that you can't hear her? I would absolutely hate this and can't believe how rude she is.

Shit, I would move house.

In fact the more I think of this the more bizarre it is. I just can't imagine thinking that it's acceptable behaviour to pull a chair up to a dividing fence and peer into next door's garden, whether they're there or not. You're not assertive at all if you'd rather faint than appear rude, but you honestly need to be more angry. She's spoiling your and your child's enjoyment of your own garden because she's too selfish to care about anyone other than her own need to talk.

The biscuits I agree was an error on her part.

But why can't you talk to her? Why does social distancing mean being as rude as that?

She's obviously lonely and like many people looking for a little change of scenery.

Be kind. And likewise demonstrate how you'd like your child to behave.

YANBU. That would annoy me even without Covid around.

The biscuit thing I get
But unless you’re gardens are tiny how are you going to catch it?

Government health advisor even said yesterday contact is classed as being in direct contact for 15 minutes

SoloMummy have you actually read the entire thread?
The OP is being kind! Way too kind.