My mum has cancer. How can I find a way to be with her?

[StitchInLime]

My mum had the results of a biopsy through today. She has a tumour on her lung and she’ll be having an op soon to remove it.

I’m devastated and so scared. But on top of this, I can’t bloody see her due to social distancing. Not just for emotional reasons but to be there to support her post-op if we’re still in lock down. My dad will be with her but I just feel she will need me, we are so close. I can care for her, take the stress off my dad etc.

I’m wondering if there’s a way I can take a test to confirm I don’t have covid then move in with them to help? I have my own family, one child and hubby but this is my mum... and she has cancer. God I feel sick writing that.

Any advice appreciated. Or maybe I’m better off staying at home but feel so helpless.

Can you isolate for 14 days and go to her? It will be awkward if you have children though.

So sorry, my dad got diagnosed with cancer a while back and it’s such a shock.

You can leave home to support a vulnerable person, but if you’re planning to move in if I were you I would self isolate at home for 14 days first before going x

Can you FaceTime her? Seeing people makes them nearer.

The test is a bit like the mot. It may tell you that you don’t have it today. However, you could catch it tomorrow or it could be brewing, so a negative test is not foolproof.

Could you call McMillan or treetops and see if they can advise? We were given a contact at each (may be a different service in your area) and they were brilliant with random questions and talking through what to expect. With it being lungs it may be more important that you don’t see her for now sadly but it may be that you can pick up other admin things to help.

I’m sorry about the diagnosis and it’s very scary but they can do amazing treatment now.

I mreally sorry op

If you want to be there physically it's def isolate for 14 days and that means everyone in house does too.
Are either of you going out for work? What are you doing about shopping?
When is the op?
Would you be OK moving into Mom's for weeks and not being with your child?

Thanks guys. Definitive date for op not in but they said hopefully in 2 weeks. The positives of this as that at least it’s business as usual for cancer treatment / diagnosing in this part of the UK as it’s all been going quite quickly.

I have been really good at self isolating, not been to any shops though do go for local walks. Hubby is designated shopper and only goes when he needs to. I work from home, so does hubby.

Yes, the idea of not seeing my little girl for a while would be super tough. My husband was saying tonight I ought to focus on being at mum’s as a standby. So if my dad really struggles or gets ill, then I go.

Good advice about chatting to Macmillan nurse, she has one dedicated to her now so I’ll do that. I haven’t even broached the subject to my mum tbh, she’ll probably insist I don’t be near her, through all this she’s been more concerned about any of us getting C19 then her having cancer.

And yes, lots of video calling has been and will continue to happen.

Thank you, it’s such a help having your responses. Xx

Really sorry to hear this OP.

What an upsetting situation for the whole family.

As a pp suggested I'd definitely ring McMillan and get their advice.

In the meantime, is it possible for you to combine households by you all moving to your parents or vice versa?

I'm not suggesting doing this now, but perhaps planning to?

So your DH does a final "huge" shop and then you all self isolate for 7 days and then move in together.

Even if you can't combine households at least then you can visit safely if your parents need support.

Essentially the best option to see your parents is for your family to start strictly self isolating now.

I understand you desperately want to see your DM but we have no idea how long this will last and obviously you need to balance your wish to support your parents with the impact of your child not seeing their mother (and the mental toll of you not seeing them).

I know a family in my village doing "separate but together". They live separately but apart from one visiting the other for essential care they act as "one" household and are otherwise self isolating (so no leaving the house at all apart from visiting the person needing support, using online shopping or volunteers dropping off shopping and following strict hygiene practices like washing down all produce/packaging etc).

Best wishes whatever you decide. It's a place no one wants to be and a choice no one wants to make.

All you can do take advice from professionals and make informed choices that work for your situation based on that

Sorry I said isolate for 7 days when it should be 14.

You can buy a test privately for about £250 if that’s an option.

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum.