Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Covid

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Flip

Original poster

How to tell mum she won't be able to go out

18 replies

Rayn · 16/04/2020 21:04

My mum is early seventies but has severe COPD in which she needs a wheelchair and a scooter. She can't walk more than a couple of metres at best.

Before Lockdown I used to take her shopping and also brought her to my house for dinner once a week or so.
Yesterday she kept going on about how depressed she is (understandably) and how she has 8 weeks to go as she has had a letter and a phone call from the Dr telling her not to go out for 12 weeks.

Until there is a vaccine I don't see how she will be able to leave at all even after lockdown as the risk will be too great!

I keep saying things change all the time but I can't tell her she might not be able to leave her flat for at least a year.

Just don't know how to break it to her. I can't see it been a possibility for extremely vulnerable people to leave even after lockdown.

Anyone else have relatives whom think they will be able to go out after lockdown?

OP posts:

Selfsettling3 · 16/04/2020 21:08

My husband is in the shielding group and he told via phone call and the nurse told him it was for the foreseeable future and that will very probably be for longer than that. Maybe tell her this story but make up a person you know.

Perhaps for her mental health she needs smaller targets rather than imagining been trapped inside for 18 months - I can’t imagine facing that.

ViciousJackdaw · 16/04/2020 21:08

I can't tell her she might not be able to leave her flat for at least a year

You're spot on, you can't tell her this. Because you don't actually know if it's true or not. My advice would be to wait for concrete facts and information before saying anything.

PersonaNonGarter · 16/04/2020 21:10

Don’t tell her. A gradual dawning is preferable. Who knows what will happen, and it may be that circumstances change (you get it and get over it for example) and things improve.

twoHopes · 16/04/2020 21:14

I also don't think you should tell her this. I have parents in their 70s and I think we will just have to get creative about how we do things. For example, maybe I could go to their house and sit 2 metres away from them in their garden and have social distancing picnics. If we have to do this long term then we'll find ways to cope and work around it, don't worry her for now.

Original poster

Rayn · 16/04/2020 21:37

You are completely right. I don't know.
Also letting it dawn on her is a good idea as well but she is going to be so upset. She is so lonely. I keep reminding her gently that she is not the only one.

Mental health for the vulnerable is going to be dreadful for a while. Just feel so sorry for her. It not a lot I can do.
Just hate to see her upset and lonely.

OP posts:

YeOldeTrout · 16/04/2020 21:39

Agree with others. So much of this is out of your control but you can talk to her about what can you do to make each day nice.

Do you do daily care for her -- who is doing her daily care?

StCharlotte · 16/04/2020 21:51

I'm diabetic but thank God not shielding. I haven't been out for weeks but I giess I could if I needed to. MIL is 88 and right as rain. I can't bear for her not to see the light of day or her family again. I know it's the right thing to do but it breaks my heart and it seems so cruel especially for those who live alone (like MIL).

Mum2jenny · 16/04/2020 21:55

Personally I’d sooner take a chance and socialise within the 2 metre limit. But it depends on how risk averse you are.

MereDintofPandiculation · 16/04/2020 22:30

We're in the early stages. Once she knows someone who has been seriously ill or died, her perspective may change.

CodenameVillanelle · 16/04/2020 22:42

There will come a point when you will be able to visit her, with social distancing precautions. You may even get an antibody test at some point and find out you're immune. You just don't know how it's going to go. Measures will be in place for months longer but that doesn't mean they will be as they are now.

Original poster

Rayn · 16/04/2020 23:47

I see her as I look after her. However it is only me that goes and she thinks she will ever get out again.
So heart breaking for them.

OP posts:

lyralalala · 16/04/2020 23:58

You can't tell her that she won't be able to go out. Eventually she'll come to realise that she's not advised to go out, but that's not quite the same thing.

MIL is 73 and has already made clear that once the general lockdown is over she'll be seeing family and having a bit of a life even if that's against advice. She says she simply doesn't see the point in shutting herself away from family until she's 75/76 just to survive an extra few years. She's absolutely convinced she'll have dementia by 80 like her mother and grandmother so she's determined to enjoy these few years.

Frequency · 17/04/2020 00:04

I agree with lyra. At seventy, with severe copd her time is limited. To make her spend 50%+ of that locked inside for the sake of an extra year or two is cruel.

Keep her in until the general lock down ends, of course, but once the risk is reduced, if she has capacity she should be the one to decide if she wants to stay sheilded or take the extra risk.

LilacTree1 · 17/04/2020 00:12

She’s not a child

Does she have capacity?

The guidance is just that - guidance. If she wants to go out even now, that is perfectly within the law.

ZarkingBell · 17/04/2020 00:19

Just speak to her. She's an adult. I'm much younger and only 'vulnerable' but I'm in daily contact with 'shielding' family members. They are considerably older than 'early 70s' and are still capable of understanding the news.
Yes, it's fucking depressing but does she want to die now? Stop faffing and be an adult.

RedcurrantPuffs · 17/04/2020 00:43

I don't think you should break it to her, especially as she is already depressed.

In the same way that lockdown was for "3 weeks" and now it is for "3 weeks more", it's easier to deal with what is happening if there is a deadline and light at the end of the tunnel.

Tonemeth · 17/04/2020 00:50

She is so lonely. I keep reminding her gently that she is not the only one.

Please dont keep reminding her, she knows it's not just her. But its crap for her and it's ok for her not to think about everyone else.

AmelieTaylor · 17/04/2020 01:03

Yes my very independent 92yo Aunt. She's full of energy, fully independent and hates feeling like a naughty child who isn't allowed out! I'm shopping for her and she keeps trying to insist she's fine to go herself. Mind you, she's also convinced she had it in February I've given up trying to gently say it's going to be a long time before it's even moderately safe to go out. She wants the full works treatment if she gets ill, she'll take her chance with ventilation etc (I don't think they'll give it to her, but I'm not pressing that point) my point is, we have no reason (other than CV) to lose her anytime soon, but people would see her age & think she was probably due to go anyway - she's not! But I guess in a few weeks we are just going to have to accept her right to choose whether to shield or not 😢

But sadly I have to tell her tomorrow that one of her great nieces died today (just turned 60) to have to tell her & not be able to give her a hug is going to be so so so hard. 😢

Flip

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.