Nervous breakdown due to Covid-19??

[seriouslynotcoping]

Just that really.

I'm not coping. It feels unbearable. I've had PTSD and anxiety for a long time but it's well managed with counselling and usually I work full time, exercise, run the household.

This has triggered something and I've literally reached breaking point. I'm terrified for my DC and I cannot handle all the uncertainty. There's more but that's all I can articulate.

I'm can barely eat or sleep, cannot get the wherewithal to shower or do anything. I'm such a crap mother just now because I am only managing the basics for DC like basic crap cooking, very basic housework, reminding them to wash and brush teeth and interacting with them a little. They are teen and pre teen so can do these things, but I'm failing them. I love them so so much I keep telling myself to do this for them, but I just can't.

It's not only that, I'm having a lot of panic attacks and I am waking every time I can sleep in a huge panic attack which are so so awful. Crying a lot.

Even with counselling help, and my sister checking up on me, I am not getting any better, only worse. GP prescribed antidepressants and very short term diazepam but I've been too scared to take either in case I get worse before better.

I have a partner (father of youngest) but we don't live together. He lives with his mum. She has offered that I can bring DC and our cat (with difficulty) and stay there. It would be so cramped, but I really want to. I feel I would cope much, much better not being alone, and my DC wouldn't have to go between houses at a time like this. Partner is refusing though. I get that it would be far from ideal, but I don't think he gets how bad I am, keeps telling me to pull myself together and getting annoyed if I can't, seems to think it's a choice I'm making to be like this. I wish.

Sorry this is probably too long to read. Just needed to write it all somewhere. If anyone knows me irl please don't out me.

Why is your partner refusing? It sounds like you need to do something to save your sanity, even if it is "against the rules". Your partner needs to support you right now. Maybe he needs it really spelling out to him how bad things are.

Could he come and stay with you? Sorry you're having such a horrendous time and he isn't being supportive is there anyone else that could give you a hand?

Really feel for you. I have anxiety and depression and it’s very hard work at the minute. Is the GP checking on you?I would take the anti depressants as they do help. Hope you can get some support in place.

It wouldn't be against the rules, we would be moving in with them.

I think he is refusing because it would be so overcrowded with 5 people and 2 animals in a 2 bed flat. Also because he's quite selfish and wouldn't like the extra noise etc.

I've tried to spell it out to him, he just gets angry with me and acts as if I'm choosing to be like this. His mum has tried to spell it out to him as well. I've always been a 'coper'. I feel pathetic when there are people on the front line of this. I know he won't allow us to stay there even though I feel I need to.

The constant fear of the virus, anxiety, feeling 'stuck' in mental and physical fog, and the horrible panic attacks. It's just horrible.

Can't your partner come stay with you? He has a responsibility to his child and sounds like he is needed now more than ever

Well it seems his needs are more important than yours!
He could come and stay and yours and help you out, as he does have a child that lives there ?
Seems to me, in your hour of need he’s not there to support you.
Do you really want that ?

It does sound as though it would be too crowded there, quite honestly. Can he not come and stay with you some nights?

@seriouslynotcoping 5 people in a two bed is overcrowded honestly. I know you want to be with someone but they doesn’t seem comfortable.

aside from your anxiety, I would be rethinking his understanding of the term "partner"

@seriouslynotcoping You have just described me. I know exactly how you are feeling. Luckily my DC are older and my DH is doing everything. It's great that you've got you're go onboard. Please take the meds. They will help a little once they kick in. Have you asked you're go for phone numbers for mental health support? Sometimes just talking and having someone to help you rationalise the whole horrid situation can help you to feel calmer and more in control.

GP

God OP, sorry you're going through this. Please take solace that a lot of people share your feelings at the moment.

If you can't move to the flat, which does sound like it would be overcrowded - and he can't come to you for whatever reason, how about trying the below:

Make yourself do at least 1 self care act a day. Wash your hair, put on a face mask, cut your toenails- whatever.

I went to a pretty dark place last week. I hadn't washed my hair or eaten vegetables etc for about a week and half because I just thought fuck it what's the point. I literally forced myself to wash my hair, have a bath and have some soup and genuinely felt so much brighter afterwards.

It sounds foolish, I know - but is that something you could do?

I am so sorry you are going through this. I had a breakdown which started with extreme anxiety but then led me onto thinking I was getting messages via the tv and all sorts of other things. I was too frightened to tell anyone. I quit my job as I was unable to work. Fast forward a couple of years I told my doctor as I felt the same feeling beginning to arise. I went on antidepressants (sertraline) best thing I could have done. Please please take the anti depressants, you won’t get worse xxxx

So sorry you are feeling like this.
I felt the similar when I first was prescribed antidepressants. I was really worried about getting worse before I got better. I too had sertraline and I didn’t really have any worsening symptoms and felt better pretty quickly. I presume your diazepam is to help with anxiety while the antidepressants kick in, which sounds good. I’m still on Sertraline (tiny dose now) and anxiety is gone, I sleep fine and am coping even in these terrible times - ADs do work.
I presume you are feeling the need for someone to watch over you while you take medication that you feel has an unknown effect on you. Is your sister able to stay for a week or so. I would class it as a medical need to have support around you at this time and wouldn’t say it’s against the ‘rules’.
Good luck OP.

Why can’t he move in with you?

GP prescribed antidepressants and very short term diazepam but I've been too scared to take either in case I get worse before better.

Oh love. Take them. I’d also recommend making a note of how you feel each day to track it. Via an app or a diary or even just making a quite note on your phone.

Can you look up your nearest Mental Health crisis team and ring them?

Is your home bigger than your partner's mum's home? Or could you have your partner's mum move in with you (he can stay there if he wants). It seems as if you need someone around who is more understanding than your partner. Having had children herself, your partner's mum will understand your fear for your children.

OP your first priority is yourself so phone the GP and ask for help. You need and deserve it.

Sorry to say your partner sounds v unreasonable and whilst moving may be cramped, what is he doing to support you and the children during this situation? Don't try to be a 'coper'. TELL people what you need and how you feel. Other adults feelings are not more important than yours.

Good luck to you.

As bad as things are, you do need to start helping yourself by taking the tablets your GP prescribed. You won't 'get worse' on them - you might feel a little queasy for a few days but that's it.

Also, regarding DPs place, the proposed arrangement sounds dreadful. I don't think it would be fair on your teen either - it just seems too cramped. Nobody will have any space at all. However, I get the strong impression that this man does not actually want to be a father.

You won't 'get worse' on them - you might feel a little queasy for a few days but that's it.

Not strictly true. You might feel more anxious at first. But you have diazepam so can take that for the short bit of time it takes to settle down if you need to. Diazepam works well but will make you feel sleepy so don’t be worried if you feel that way.