I appear to have pissed people off!

[FuckThisWind]

My Mum has cancer. I've got fairly bad asthma. We are a small family. Very close. Barely see other family. Mum was advised to have a major cancer OP right on the cusp of Covid starting to peak (about 3 weeks ago) we went ahead, because there was no chance of waiting then getting the major bowel resection surgery any time soon if she didn't go ahead. Mum was in critical care for a week. It was scary. I let everyone she knew, how it was panning out. She went on a ward. Still very poorly. Eventually got her home. All of a sudden, everyone wants to see her. Family she hasn't seen in years. Friends, Neighbours etc. I've been firm but polite. We need time to adjust. She needs time to come to terms with things. I've said that it's actually a godsend that we are in lockdown as at least we don't have people knocking on the door. Yet still, friends and family we haven't seen in years are saying as soon as lockdown is over they will be there. I've asked politely for them not to just turn up. I've been told I'm in denial. I've been told I'm being a bit of a nazi, shielding my Mum against her will. So she has told them she's fine and happy to have some space.

My reckoning is that even at the best of times, people don't respect your privacy when you have cancer. But right now, I really thought we would be ok.

Anyone had any experience and successfully asked friends and family to politely back off and give her and my Dad a bit of time to recuperate?

Honestly I wouldn’t be polite. Some people are just plain selfish.

Don't bother. If people can't understand the first time they are told, don't waste your breath. No need to talk about this until lockdown is lifted.

When it is, stick a notice on the door, 'do not knock, patient recovering'.

How does your Mum feel about these relatives coming to see her when lockdown is over?

That could be quite some weeks away and your mum will probably be fully recovered by then.

It comes across as if you do not want the wider family to visit because they haven't in the past. Just because they visit does not mean they won't respect her privacy. Visitors later on might do your mum the world of good, to know how many people care about her.

I don't think you need to prepare for visitors just yet. Why don't you all see how it goes instead of making definitive decisions right this second? It may be after another month your mum would like the odd visitor. Unless there's some reason she can't make her own wishes known, then perhaps leave her to communicate with her family and friends.

I think maybe because you're saying no to visiting after lockdown is over is probably what's wrong. By the time it's over your mum will be able to decide at that point and tell people herself. Hope she gets her strength back.

Would it be worth telling all of these people that you understand their concern and feelings, but your mother would appreciate some lovely letters and cards etc, rather than face to face visits which would be exhausting for her and not appropriate at this moment.
Then at least you have tried to be diplomatic, if they don’t respond to this, you are well within your rights to be as rude as is necessary.

Don’t worry about being polite

Honestly, I think some people are just rubber necking

I’ve had similar issues with both and mum and dad. I had to say bluntly we couldn’t cope with visitors and please not to turn up because that would be disturbing the patient who might well be asleep.

When my dad was last in hospital, I ended up getting a mutual friend to back me up by doing a mass email saying “stop phoning Lilac’s mum”.

It’s the only way. Nice people still did things like leave food on the doorstep and just text to say they’d left it. Those are the people who actually care.

You do what you and your parents want. If you upset anyone tough!! This time is for them Forget about upsetting others. It is too exhausting both physically and mentally to be entertaining visitors and sometime putting on a front with visitors. Nominate someone you trust to be the spokesperson/filter that everyone has to contact by phone for any update you want to be given so your Mum and Dad do not keep getting phone calls and have to answer same questions over and over again. When they do feel they want to have visitors set a time for them to call. Any other time, go back to the old fashioned system of telling random callers that Mum and Dad are not "At Home" to callers

Of course no visitors during lock down but once over!!!

Thank you everyone. To clarify, this is both mine and my Mums feeling. The issue with the lockdown thing is say for example it was lifted in 3 weeks, the family seek to think they will be there instantly. Mum is on the highly vulnerable list so will be shielding for some time.

Thank you so much @Samtsirch. That's it. She said yesterday that none of these people - her brothers, nieces etc had so much as sent a card! I'll tell them that she would greatly appreciate some words. They keep sending me messages saying "give her a massive hug and a kiss from us" I assume they are being metaphorical in some way, but jeez it's annoying. Probably doesn't help that I've had 3 members of the same family texting me at once. Probably all sitting in the lounge comparing notes. I get that I'm probably sounding over protective, but it's genuinely her wishes I am passing on. I'm the same and so is my Dad. Hate being visited when ill. My Mum finds it ghoulish!

I think they are just saying this because they cannot visit at the present time, but looks as if they care. Would not worry for now - just wait and see what happens when lockdown lifted and more importantly see how your mum feels. Wishing her well.

I had a bowel resection in Dec 18 due to cancer after diagnosis from bowel screening. I requested all family and friends to give me time to process and heal which they respected. God forbid your Mum gets any kind of cough as coughing is agony after the surgery. Also her lungs will be compromised for a while. Keep her safe, your instincts are correct.

You have acted quite appropriately.
I hope that my family would do the same for me in those circumstances.
I'm pretty sure that they would. for you and your mum.Mx.

Stop being so polite. These people are like vultures, they love illness and death. Wishing your mum a speedy recovery.

I’ll pop over next week for a cuppa yeah! 😉

Thank you so much @LuvMyBoyz you get it, for very obvious reasons. Coming to terms with the cancer, the huge operation, getting used to having the stoma etc all takes time. And it feels so, so personal. She is obviously happy to share that journey with me. As she knows I am suportful and sympathetic. But yes she needs the time to do so in privacy. We talk through it all. But we don't necessarily feel like repeating those conversations with everyone else endlessly. It feels like we eat, sleep and breathe the cancer at the moment - although we are certainly taking time to laugh and live our lives as normally as possible.
I was told yesterday by my best friend that we were obviously "in denial" I assured her that we are very much not, thank you. I guess the bottom line here is that unless people have been through it themselves, perhaps they don't fully understand. And even then, everyone has different ways of dealing with this sort of thing.

But I didn't think it would be too much to ask for a little breathing space, some privacy, for them to respect the rules of shielding, and for our wishes to perhaps 'trump' their expectations.

Thank you. It's been great to have your perspective, and to know my instincts are right. Best wishes to you and hope you and your family stay safe and well.

@ThanosSavedMe Haha! Brilliant. That's exactly what my Mum says too! She says they only want to 'fucking gawp and love sitting on peoples death beds'

I'll get the virtual kettle on for you

Ahh thank you @maras2 I'm so glad I posted. My boyfriend just says that people are trying to be nice. But it is endlessly bloody draining.

Thanks and right back to you.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing in protecting and shielding your DM at this difficult time. They would not be allowed to visit in the next few weeks anyway because of lockdown, but after restrictions are lifted you can ask your DM how she feels about having visitors then.
I wish your DM a good recovery 💐

Oh bless you, I had exactly the same when my sister had cervical cancer a couple of years ago. School friends that she hadn’t seen in 30 years just rocking up expecting to see her !

People can be incredibly selfish and self absorbed when they hear someone is ill and almost have to see it for themselves to validate it. I had to tell off one delightful friend who kept texting her whilst she was in a hospice “ saying she should come in and take her to the pub !” It was upsetting my sister as she kept hassling her.

I expect everyone thought I was a right bitch, but I felt incredibly protective of my sister.

Lots of people did lovely things though 🌈
Sending you lots of (virtual) hugs 🤗

@Bakedbeanhead thanks for sharing your experience. I have to say, it's really helped posting here. There's never a good time to get cancer but right now brings additional complications. I do feel that as none of my friends or family have experienced this, it's been exactly what I needed to hear from people who have. Thanks and virtual hugs right back to you.

@FuckThisWind I’ll bring the biccies 😁

“ But I didn't think it would be too much to ask for a little breathing space, some privacy, for them to respect the rules of shielding, and for our wishes to perhaps 'trump' their expectations. ”

Sorry, my previous answer was all about the practicalities. But I’m really sorry you’ve not got this privacy.

I haven't had cancer but have been really poorly and been ICU etc. Afterwards, people visiting was a real strain, I was tired, I didn't feel myself and I just wanted for the most part to recover. I totally agree with what you are saying. Also once lock down is done, it doesn't mean Corona Virus is done and gone, she will still need to keep away from people to avoid getting it.