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Original poster

Relationship in trouble due to lockdown

18 replies

Yorkshirezoe · 13/04/2020 01:10

Hi Everyone, really hope everyone is coping at this difficult time. I'm hoping for some words of wisdom/advice. My partner currently spends time with me at my home but also spends a few nights a week with her daughter while the daughter's husband works his night shifts (DD has a 2 year old son). I have health anxiety and am really struggling with the fact that my partner is potentially exposed to the virus through her son in law who is a key worker.

This goes beyond current guidance and I feel she needs to choose where she wants/needs to be in the coming weeks/months. She thinks I'm making her choose between me and her daughter, but I just want everyone to stay safe and for my anxiety not to be on a constant high.

She thinks my emotions are out of control. Are they? She is so angry right now and wants to end the relationship. I think we're strong enough to get through this if separation is the only way; I just can't handle her moving between houses. Her DD is a capable mother btw but she insists on helping out whenever she's alone.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
BigChocFrenzy · 13/04/2020 01:57

Your partner is breaking government rules by continually swapping households,
just because she wants to see her family

It's not just a one-off brainfart;
it's every week and deliberate
She is 100% in the wrong

The PM said when he announced lockdown:

"You should not be meeting friends. If your friends ask you to meet, you should say No.
You should not be meeting family members who do not live in your home."

Personally, I wouldn't accept a continuing risk to my health
I do NOT have any health anxiety, but I wouldn't put up with such selfishness and irresponsibility

So I'd be discussing a separation until then, suggest she lives with them until lockdown ends and families can mix again
If she chooses to flounce instead, so be it.

Also, she is completely in the wrong to criticise your emotions
Her emotions are the ones "out of control" or she would be following the government rules and not visit her family.

peppermintcapsules · 13/04/2020 02:08

The PM said when he announced lockdown:

"You should not be meeting friends. If your friends ask you to meet, you should say No.**
You should not be meeting family members who do not live in your home."

And yet tonight he's in his second home with his pregnant mistress. Hmm Such a shining example to all.

I'd dump you, sorry, I agree your emotions are out of control and it's just too much like hard work and I'd always choose my children over a relationship.

You two need to split up. No, you can't get through this, you want her to do what you want, she doesn't. She's an adult, she's in control of her own life.

JKScot4 · 13/04/2020 02:14

Health anxiety isn’t an excuse to be controlling, it’s actually getting a bit much the amount of posts that sound controlling/abusive with the excuse of ‘health anxiety’

TomTomRunner · 13/04/2020 02:14

Tell her to stay with her daughter - you have very right not to ask her to swap homes and see you. If she can't understand, it ends.

Thepigeonsarecoming · 13/04/2020 02:16

But you are making her choose between you and her daughter, and she has chosen.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/04/2020 02:17

It isn't controlling to say 'pick one'. It's the government advice. If OP was saying her partner HAD to stay home, that's different.

peppermintcapsules · 13/04/2020 02:17

I agree, JK. Just let her go.

peppermintcapsules · 13/04/2020 02:20

Government's not even following its own advice but we're all supposed to obey to the letter Hmm. Oh, yes, Gove was out at a park yesterday, supposed to be confined to home after his daughter appeared with symptoms but hey, he's probably sneaking off to Chequers to wish Boris well, too.

RoseGoldEagle · 13/04/2020 02:22

The OP isn’t being controlling, she’s trying to follow the guidance- she’s not saying her partner has to choose her, she’s saying she needs to pick one household and stick to it. And stop breaking the rules.

peppermintcapsules · 13/04/2020 02:25

Your partner can chose for herself, she's chosen her daughter, she wants to end things and it's for the best you do. It's not for anyone but her to decide if the daughter is capable or not. She's decided. Again, Bozo's off doing his own thing, went to second home, couched up with latest squeeze, hunky dory, Gove's broken lockdown, out jogging around, but you peons needs to do as they say not as they do.

AnnUumellemahaye · 13/04/2020 02:37

Does she usually live with you, officially, and yet goes to her DDs several nights a week?

I agree she shouldn’t be switching between households right now, it defeats the object of the lockdown. But it sounds to me as if she’s possibly looking for a way out of the relationship anyway. Tell her she should just move in with her daughter until this is all over. But I have a feeling she won’t be moving back again.

Original poster
Yorkshirezoe · 13/04/2020 03:44

Thanks for your replies - mixed bag they are! Just for clarification - we live together and she does not want out of the relationship. Her staying at her daughters a few nights a week is the norm and has been for the past two years. I am ABSOLUTELY fine with that. It's just the situation as it currently is; I am ok with her choosing to stay at her daughter's - it is she who is insisting on moving between the two homes.

OP posts:
Marphise · 13/04/2020 05:42

Funny how on most other threads people are crucified for things like suggesting parents look after young children while in labour at the hospital, but here apparently moving houses regularly is fine...

I don't really have an opinion either way OP, especially as I don't live in the UK. But one thing stood out to me :

She is so angry right now and wants to end the relationship.

It's a really weird thing to break up over. My guess is :

  • either she wants to end the relationship and this is as good an excuse as any
  • or she doesn't want to end the relationship and is using this threat to make you do what she wants.

You know her so you know which it is. If you don't it'll come to light with time. But if this matters to you, don't let her blackmail you with threats of leaving.

Marphise · 13/04/2020 06:21

I'd like to add, even if she thinks the government rules are stupid, she should be mindful of your anxiety. It doesn't mean she has to do what you want but she should be willing to at least sit down and talk about it, and see if any compromise can be reached.

Nomaj · 13/04/2020 07:34

Why does her daughter need help with a 2 year old during the night?

FOJN · 13/04/2020 08:30

I had to read the OP a few times to make sure I hadn't missed something crucial when I saw you being accused of being controlling.

Your partner has an adult daughter who is married and has a child, her son in law works some nights, on those nights your partner stays with her daughter and has continued with this arrangement in lockdown. You have pointed out this is against government guidance and would support her if she chose to move in with her daughter for the duration but would. prefer her to choose one home for the lockdown. Your partner has accused you of forcing her to choose between you and her daughter.

Your partner has framed this as an ultimatum. She has not changed her behaviour during lockdown and is trying to manipulate you into supporting her to continue flouting the rules. It sounds as if she wants to have her cake and eat it which is not very mature. I personally couldn't tolerate that level of manipulation so I'd pack her bag and leave it on the doorstep. I really don't know how you could be more accommodating.

Gillian1980 · 13/04/2020 08:38

Your partner is being massively unreasonable

bluebeck · 13/04/2020 17:57

I don't understand. Why is your DP having to stay at her adult daughters two nights a week just because her DP is at work?

Is she severely disabled?

If so, she should probably stay there for the duration rather than moving between households.

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