How to get through to MIL re newborn?

[starrysimon]

MIL called DH last night and I could hear what she was saying as his phone is quite loud. She asked when the baby is due (even though she knows this). DH responded with 2 weeks and she asked ‘will we be able to come to the hospital’. I was just thinking ‘is she on another planet or what’. I’ll be lucky if DH can be at the hospital at this rate let alone our baby’s grandparents. He said I’m not sure we’ll see and she then went rambling on about visiting us at home afterwards. DH just quickly ended the conversation as he doesn’t really enjoy speaking to her much anyway.

I know full well she’ll be throwing tantrums that she won’t be able to come to the hospital to meet the baby as soon as it’s born. Then she’ll be whinging that she won’t be able to come and cuddle the baby. It’s her 4th grandchild for gods sake! Not like she hasn’t experienced it before. There are bigger things at play here like our baby’s health, as well as ours. She more than likely won’t meet the baby until June at this rate due to the lockdown. How can we explain it to her in a way that won’t trigger a tantrum?

Don’t tell her till June.

Seriously you’re husband, ie her son, needs to man up and tell her. Then out the phone down once she starts throwing a tantrum. That’s one good thing about this quarantine thing. You can hang up on people.

Your DH needs to firmly explain its not happening - obviously!- and not just hang up on her

Next time she asks makes sure he says not, mother, there are guidelines we all have to follow because of Coronavirus. These don’t get changed when someone has a baby!’

Eh?

Just explain that everyone has to do their best to keep safe and that rules out visits to new babies from grandparents.

Everyone is in the same boat.

She'll have friends who have not seen g/children inc new ones.

If she throws a tantrum, then ignore.

Might be diplomatic if dh says something like "we are so disappointed grandparents and visitors aren't able to meet baby for a while. I am desperate for you to meet baby, wish it was different. This is so hard but safety first for baby and for you mum"

It's rubbish and I don't know why she thinks she can visit but she is just upset. My nephew no 6 is due soon and i am gutted I won't see him, i imagine even harder for grandparents.

You must be so stressed and upset at the impact of coronavirus on you right now, can understand why it is difficult to deal with MIL issues, but as an outsider I can see why gran is also upset.

Fgs we are in the middle of a pandemic!

Whether she can visit or not isnt something you and DH can decide at the moment anyway. If she wants to have a go at someone she will have to contact Chris Witty.

If the restrictions are lifted, I would be inclined to not tell her until you have given birth and are home. Then tell her she can visit on X day but has to be gone by X time as you have a medical appointment to take the baby to or something. Say you wont be opening the door to anyone if they just turn up.

What is it with (the minority of) mother in laws 🙄

It's not the hospital that will be the problem - they simply won't let her in. It's her turning up to your house afterwards that will be your challenge - by which I mean your dh's challenge. His mum - he sorts it.

Our local hospital posted an info graphic that states no visitors and 1 birth partner only. It also states birth partner is only allowed to be present during active labour. I was thinking of getting DH to send it to her. Maybe her seeing that even DH won’t be allowed to be with us afterwards will make her realise.

She’s just a bit unhinged generally and DH never has the balls to put her in her place as she guilt trips often. Everyone else has been understanding and knows that photos or FaceTime will have to suffice until the lockdown is lifted. Just shows her pure selfishness as she should be more concerned about shielding the baby instead of potentially exposing her to the virus just for a cuddle I just can’t believe some people still aren’t understanding the concept of this lockdown. Is anyone else experiencing similar?

I understand she is upset and it will be hard for her but it will also be hard for me to be by myself on the postnatal ward. Potentially by myself for the entire thing, especially if I need an emergency c-section which is a possibility as baby is measuring quite big. My DM has been upset but understands the restrictions and hasn’t been pressuring us. It’s worse for her as I am her only child, MIL has multiple and lots of grandchildren close in age. Some people deal with things in different ways I suppose!

She guilt trips because she knows that that emotional manipulation works. If it didn’t work, she wouldn’t try it on so much.

Next time she mentions visiting, just be factual and say that the current rules mean she won’t be able to visit but you’ll send her photos/FaceTime her. Say that many people are in the same situation and she’ll have plenty of time to get to know the baby later.

If she turns up at your house, don’t open the door. Repeat the message from an upstairs window. Don’t respond to guilt-tripping - calmly repeat yourself.

Get him to say "yes we know, it's awful isn't it" and then hold the phone away whilst she rants. I agree leave it week by week and just keep saying you're not sure. Hopefully it'll sink in soon.

Why doesn't your husband just answer her questions then?

Has she not noticed we’re in the middle of a pandemic? DS is 10 weeks old and none of the in laws have met him - they’d intended to come and visit over Easter but obviously had to cancel their plans when we went into lockdown. It’s sad that they probably won’t see their grandson (also 4th grandchild) until he is at least 5 months old, but it isn’t worth the risk to him, them or any of the many people they could potentially come into contact with by making the trip.

Your husband needs to be firm with her and tell her they can see the baby once all this is over. Until then they’ll have to make do with photos/FaceTime.