What to do when DC2 is born?

[Thistledew]

I am nearly 40 wks pregnant. We (DH, DS age 3, and I) are currently living with my mother in a very rural area.

When I go into labour my MiL will come to stay to look after DS. My mother cannot do so alone as although she is generally in robust health she has limited mobility and physically cannot look after DS alone. MiL is able to look after him but is very vulnerable health-wise (poorly controlled asthma and autoimmune condition). We have all now been isolating as much as absolutely possible for 3 weeks.

My concern is what to do when I, DH and the new baby come back from the hospital.

We have planned that DH and I will immediately shower and change our clothes as soon as we get in - ideally before hugging either mother or DS. It would also create the least risk to MiL if she were to leave as soon as we pull up in the drive so she doesn't come into contact with us at all.

However, I think it will be quite upsetting for DS for her to leave so abruptly. Pre-virus, our plan was for her to stay with us in our own home for a few days to give DS some undivided attention, but that is obviously now not an option.

Does anyone have any advice as to how we should handle this, primarily to minimise the risk to MiL's health but also to make the experience the most positive for DS?

Any thoughts?

That’s a tough one! Really not the nicest suggestion: can you give birth alone so your husband can look after your son and your MIL doesn’t have to come?

I think mil needs to leave as soon as you arrive back. It might be a bit hard for DS but much better than risking anything. She can come back if you're all symptom free a week on. Perhaps mil and ds can Skype a lot before and after to have some continuity. It's not ideal for her to leave ASAP but necessary.

Don't give birth alone.

If mil and ds talk about what happens when the baby comes home and make a plan so ds knows granny is going but ds will have made a card for mummy and baby etc etc then ds will be much more prepared. They can practice it in advance s.g. Granny going out the back door while ds shows the new baby his toys etc and that way it will be expected.

Have you explained to ds about the virus? My ds has surprising levels of understanding about this e.g. why we can't see granny and grandad

I'd really rather not have to give birth alone and think that MiL leaving as soon as we arrive will minimise the risk of her catching anything from DH and I to an acceptable level.

I was wondering how high this risk is likely to be? If I'm in hospital for less than 24 hrs, there is obviously a risk that I could have caught it during that time, but would I be symptomatic enough to pass it on straight away?

Thanks penny that is good advice. DS does have some understanding about 'the virus' but he will of course be upset if his nana has to leave before she would normally. We have got him a special toy that his sister will 'bring' him so maybe that will be enough of a distraction.

Hi OP I'm in a similar position. I have decided to go in on my own as I feel that's the safest for everyone but I understand it's not ideal. I would say your MIL would have to leave straight away as even with a straight forward birth there can be lots of waiting, more potential to catch the virus.

I'm 34 weeks pg at the moment with DC2 and currently planning to go alone so DP can look after DC1. It's just a rubbish situation tbh.

I think for you OP your MIL probably does need leave straight away. Do you think she will cooperate? In the case of my MIL I'd be more worried about that than DC1's reaction!

Can you either delay eg go for a bit of a drive on the way home (if the driver is awake enough...) so that you arrive home when the older one is already asleep, or, depending how far away you are from hospital, your husband drives home so can let mil go while you wait to be discharged and then he can come back and get you with the older one in the car? Your DH can also have a shower at the hospital before leaving.

I'm having to go to the hospital alone so DH can stay with DD. It's not a great situation but I will do what it takes to protect us all

Probably unhelpful, but I'm guessing a home birth isn't an option?

Too risky to have a home birth unfortunately as last time I had issues with the placenta detaching and ended up with a haemorrhage.

Showering at MiL's house after we leave the hospital might be an option- would just have to ensure we clean up after ourselves as well as possible.

The haemorrhage issue is also a strong reason why I would like DH to be with me for the birth. I wouldn't like to go through that alone.

I really don't think you should ask MIL to look after your DS, due to her health conditions she is very vulnerable. I think you should find someone else who is in good health and can help your mother with the physical aspects of looking after DS, this could be a younger family member or a paid person such as a nanny, childminder, babysitter or "mother's help" type person. It's not as if they will be looking after DS alone as your mother will be there.

If there is absolutely no one else who can help with DS then I suggest you get a doula to support you at the birth so DH can stay at home with him.

You need to be thinking worst case scenario here. Basically what if MIL gets coronavirus and dies. It's not worth the risk.

I'm really really sorry you're having to even think about this. It is such a horrible situation for everyone.
I'm afraid I'm going to echo what others have said which I know you won't like. But I would go alone. The thought of MIL catching it and dying would weigh stronger the the thought of going it alone. It isn't ideal of course but the better option.
Sorry.
My friend gave birth alone 3 years ago because they sent the partner home for the night after the mum had been induced and it all happened fast, they wouldn't let her call him because she wasn't far enough along but they were wrong. It was shit for her but she said that she had great support.

MIl shouldn't really be coming to your home at all if vulnerable. Is DS a good sleeper ? I guess if you went into labour at night or early evening then your Dm may mange if he was asleep? My friend who is due to give birth in June has been told her partner may not be able to be there at the birth due to restrictions, not sure how widespread this is or whether it will happen?

MIL leaving before you get back sounds like it would work out ok. I would ask her to leave not just as you get back but literally before you even pull up (communicate on the phone and obviously other Nanna is there for the few minutes) . Could she tell your son that she has to get back for some reason but mummy and daddy back in a minute. forewarn him also. (make up a reason if there isn't a good one). If the adults are up beat and positive I think your 3 year old will be fine. I wouldn't shower at MILs best to have no cross contamination with her at all. Pop your clothes in the wash when you get back. Will you be trying to distance from your own mum or decide that will be next to impossible? It will be hard for your MIL not to meet baby.

DS unfortunately is going through an unsettled phase with his sleeping. I would be really worried leaving him with anyone except MiL unfortunately as he can sometimes work himself into a real state if he gets upset which in the past has persisted for literally hours until we have been able to get back to him. He knows MiL really well so isn't likely to get that distressed with her.

I don't want to be going through labour worrying about whether DS is going frantic at home.

I think the risk to MiL of her coming to my mother's house to look after DS is minimal as we have been isolating as much as possible (bar DH going to the supermarket once a week) for 3 months. We will come straight home from the hospital and have her ready to get in her car as we pull up outside.

When you get home- could you go up to your rooms to change and shower and allow MIL to meet the baby as the baby won’t pose any risk to her. Then when you come down, if you stay 2m away from MIL she won’t be at any increased risk than she was staying at your home already, she can have a quick chat and be there so she isn’t rushing off having not met baby and your son will be okay as you’re home and she’s not rushing off. There are risks and risks need to be measured and as MIL is coming in the first instance, you can’t stop all risk... but distancing and removing clothing from the hospital setting will minimise they risk and the upset to DS and let her meet her new grandchild too.

I agree with Isadora’s suggestion, mostly because I feel really sorry for your MIL that she is putting herself at risk to come to your home only to be sent home before meeting her grandchild. Particularly as your mum will get to spend time with the baby for the next few weeks during isolation!

In an ideal world you should go in alone but if this is not an option, definitely leave the baby downstairs to meet MIL whilst you and DH shower and change, then stay 2m away from her for a brief hello...definitely no hugging, it’s just an unnecessary risk to her!

Could you have your mum as a birth partner, leave DH with your son and not have mil there at all? She is vulnerable

I love my mum dearly but having her and her 'helpful suggestions' and the funny little laugh she does whenever any sort of problem or difficulty presents itself would be the very opposite of a positive and relaxing birth partner!

I get that totally but we are living in unprecedented times and it would protect your mil. You can’t risk her health

I really don't think your MIL should be coming to yours with health problems.

I think the options are clear: you go alone, you take your mother with you or you ask a younger relative to come and look after your child..