I’m truly at breaking point after argument with DH!

[KeepGoingg]

I’m feeling absolutely broken after an argument with DH.

This is really outing so I’ve name changed and will be vague on some of the less important points.

DH’s job means that he is unable to work from home and will potentially be needed to be a key worker in the coronavirus situation. We have an asthmatic child who has had steroids on many occasions for that as well as for another respiratory issue.

As a result of this, we have made the call for DH to stay in a little flat near his work for the time being. He is living there alone and we only live 5 minutes away which I’m finding quite tough. The kids are really missing him.

Anyway, the other night, he came by the house to download some stuff onto his iPad. He has no internet where he is staying. He didn’t come into the house as he was able to get wifi from the back garden. Me and the kids were upstairs at the time so no risk of transmission.

Anyway, yesterday, I facetimed DH who told the kids he was on his way over to see them and he explained that he could only see them outside in the garden. I was instantly worried. We hadn’t discussed this and our youngest is 3. I felt stressed about the prospect of keeping them within a safe distance in our pretty small garden.

Anyway, DH arrived and I was on edge the whole time. Constantly making sure he was a safe distance away. I can be a bit neurotic at times but I don’t think I was being unreasonable. I found the whole situation really awful. It was horrible telling the kids to stay away, I felt like I was treating DH like a leper and he was visibly upset and frustrated by how I was acting.

We have just been on the phone and had a huge fall out about it. He said that there is no excuse for the way that I made him feel.

I don’t know what to do. I’m just trying to protect our kids but I’m alienating my husband in the process. I feel so alone in all of this.

I should also add that him popping over was to collect a couple of things and he incorporated it into his daily exercise (bike ride) and at no point came into the house. Just to clarify.

I think the constantly making sure he was a safe distance and telling the kids to stay away is a concern. I don’t think anyone would like that.

Was he unable to control the situation? Repeatedly, is that why you behaved in that manner?

Oh, it’s so hard. We’re also protecting a child, not from anyone in the immediate household but just prior to lockdown we went to stand outside my parent’s window for Mother’s Day and it was heartbreaking that my daughter just wanted to cuddle them. No answers I’m afraid, just sympathy. Hopefully your husband will understand you’re just very concerned.

It can't have been a pleasant experience form him to be treated that way. Sounds as though he is really upset.

The way I'd move forward is to acknowledge that it must have made him feel horrible. Then also agree to discuss beforehand the plan for any future visits so you can work out a game plan together.

What is he potentially needed to do to be working as a key worker? Is it medical? If not it all sounds very over the top to me. Both DH and I are key workers. I’m working from home and he is going into the office in Central London but I’m not excessively concerned. One set of advice we’ve been given refers to having a plastic box by the front door... your DH could come home but when he comes in he drops his outer clothing in it and immediately goes and showers and washes hair before seeing you or the kids. His personal phone could be kept in a clear plastic bag while at work. I don’t think I’d like to be living on my own in a flat for the duration of this ( with no wi-fi) although ask me again in 2 weeks and I might have re-thought that!!

I'm sorry to hear this OP, it must be a very testing time for both of you.

I can see both points of view.

You are obviously trying to keep your children safe, but of course it's hurtful to hear your wife telling your children to stay away from their father.

He's likely very worried that they'll pick up on that messaging in the longer term.

The reality is if your children are little that they really won't understand what's happening and why and as such it's a difficult situation to manage.

If they were 7 upwards it would be easier, but a 3 year old isn't going to grasp this situation but they could well understand and remember that hugging Daddy is a bad thing.

My suggestion, though I'm not sure your DH will like it is no more garden visits with the kids (if he needs to pick up items/download content he should wait until the kids are in bed).

You can explain to the kids he is doing an important job working away and he'll speak to them every day by FaceTime - reading a bedtime story/having a chat etc. (Maybe suggest he picks up some children's books they like having read to them).

I understand not seeing them is incredibly hard, but I just can't see how you can control the situation otherwise without doing as you have and making DH upset and leaving the kids confused.

sorry it's so difficult

II think it’s not easy for both of you so you’re overreacting and he’s less understanding. He probably felt that you didn’t trust him, he obviously cares about DC as much as you do. I would call him to say sorry and to discuss again what would be your family rules for this period.
it’s so difficult to stay calm and rational, especially in your situation.
I had a huge cry just when DH decided to go shopping last week, I was frightened of this idea.

I know you are trying to keep things vague, but there’s not enough information. I am potentially required to be a key worker in a Coronavirus situation, but so have not been called to work in the last fortnight. A lot of my colleagues stay near work when they are expecting to work. We don’t know if your DH has been at work in his potential Coronavirus situation or if he is waiting to work in his potential Coronavirus situation. I’d be pissed off if you treated me like a leper. We’ve got no idea how long this situation is going to last. Would you be happy to not see your own kids even from a distance for possibly 6 months?

Oh OP my heart goes out to you. We're almost in the same situation, though it's me and nearly 3 year old DS moved into my parents temporarily as DH is at risk. I can see it from both sides like PPs. Unfortunatly there isn't an easy way or answer, and as you say a 3 year old isn't going to understand why they cang hug daddy. However your husband needs to understand this isnt about him, it's what about what is best for the children.

With us we made the decision not to bring DS when I did shopping for him, purely because he wouldn't understand why he had to stay away from daddy and it's better on everyone getting through this for the foreseeable future if we dont place him in that situation. For the past week and a half DS has only seen daddy via facetime, it's been hard, DS is up and down but he seems to be settling into the new routine (only good thing about going through all this at this age is how adaptable they are). Its breaking my heart but as we domt know how long this will go on for, it would be more unfair on DS if we let him see daddy then changed it at a later date.

It is hard though and my heart goes out to you all. Maybe a call to DH and just explaining this, that it's about your 3 yo not him and your older child. Does the three year old nap? May be worth organising a social distancing meet up with your older child while the younger one naps? Otherwise I'm sorry, sending you virtual hugs

Back I don't think anyone wouldn't want to see their kids for a few weeks never mind months.

However, based on the OP it's a decision they have made together (in the basis of having a vulnerable child with severe asthma) and will presumably review as events unfold.

As much as it would be incredibly hard not to see my DS for weeks on end I absolutely would if it meant keeping him safe.

That said you are right in that the OP has said "potentially be needed to be a key worker in the coronavirus situation".

So there is the question mark as to if he needed to move out now wrt how much risk his job exposes him to as stands, but presumably the OP and her DH have discussed this and decided moving out was the best course of action.

OP I'd try and call him back and see if you can agree a way forward. It's a tough enough situation without you being cross/upset with each other.

It sounds like you got caught out by a surprise visit and no-one handed it well (who would? It's not a scenario anyone has really imagined).

I’m so sorry, I don’t want to judge. But unless someone is immune compromised, which I apologise if I have missed, this is WRONG. On a human level, this is not right. Unless you are separating anyway, bring your husband home. Love each other, spend time with the children, support and be and with each other. You are a family, through thick and thin. This is thin, and you need each other absolutely more than ever.

You and your children will get this virus, and your children certainly and you almost certainly, will be fine. Keeping yourself and your kids from you husband, and him keeping himself from you, will not protect you. It will only make you all miserable and alone at the one time families really need to stand together more than ever.

Okay, at the risk of possibly outing myself. My DH is in the armed forces and is living in the mess on camp whilst going in and out of work. I said ‘a flat’ as I didn’t want to out myself but I think I need to be more clear.

We are used to time apart. It’s something we have done as a family many many times. Never in these circumstances of course and it’s been hard on us all.

And yes, as @DeRigueurMortis said, this is a decision we have made together. We both saw DD absolutely gasping for breath only a couple of months ago, struggling to speak a single word because of a bad episode of her asthma. We both want to protect her above all else.

YANBU I don't think DH should put you in a position where you have additional stress, it's not hard to comply with the guidelines but keep things light- look at the Stockport Spider-Man! Men, broadly speaking are less risk averse than women, sometimes it's a good thing - sometimes it creates tension, ultimately though he is showing a complete lack of empathy.

The child with asthma is vulnerable, surely.
We (as teachers) were advised to stay at home if we had a vulnerable person in our household. So even as a keyworker, we did not have to go in if that applied.

We both want to protect her above all else.

That's what's important here OP

I liked Whiskey's suggestion of perhaps letting your older children (assuming they are of an age to understand social distancing) speak to DH in the garden whilst your 3 year old has gone to bed.

It's not clear if your 3 year old and DD with asthma are the same child (I'm guessing not, but no need to confirm).

If this is true then you need to protect them both - your DD wrt her health but also your little one from being confused about something they can't understand and in terms of the latter, garden visits are going to be trying to say the least and your DH needs to understand that you need to potentially have different approach's depending on each child's age.

Most importantly if you have made this choice, you can't have surprise visits and you both need to agree what's going to happen in advance so you're both not left feeling upset as you are now.

@Onceateacher - sadly DH wasn’t allowed to stay home with us. We did push for that first off. He is on 24 hours notice to deploy so could end up leaving soon in any case but I really wish he’d have been able to stay with us for the time being 😢

@DeRigueurMortis our older asthmatic child is 6. It’s just the 2 children we have.

After DH left yesterday, DD(6) said she loves seeing him but that she found it hard and it also made her feel sad. She said she just wants coronavirus to go away so daddy can properly be with us.

Emotions are heightened the prospect of not hugging your family for months on end is bad enough as it is can't imagine not being able to hug my child. At the moment I would just message him and tell him you understand how hard it is and tell him how much he is missed. Completely understand how you must be feeling and your kids come first you both agree. It was probably just a shock to the system. I think the thing that is hardest in all of this well for me is that there is no end date. Usually we are very good at controlling time aspects of our lives, he will come round. Keep face timing. There is this house party app that has games to play on it maybe they could play together. Maybe you could all write down five things you want to do as a family when this is over and some special daddy days.

Ah bless OP

It's such a difficult time for your whole family (and many others).

The Forces are doing brilliant work and will be essential in getting the country through this.

It's heartening for the population to see how they have been instrumental in building NHS Nightingale but it's all to easy to forget the price the Forces families are paying for these efforts.

As a poster above has said emotions are heightened right now especially because we can't see an end to this.

When your DH is usually deployed you both have an end date to look forward to. This time you don't and that's especially tough.

You are both trying to do what's right but it doesn't make it easy.

Thank you @DeRigueurMortis, you’ve been so kind. I do think not having an end in sight and the uncertainty that brings is possibly the hardest part of us being apart right now. It’s the kids that my heart breaks for. They’ve lost school, contact with friends, play dates, activities, birthday parties and over an above that, they won’t have their dad with them until all of this is over and none of us can tell them when that day will come. I know there are many people worse off than us so this is in no way a sob story. I’m just praying for everyone just now that we can all find a way through.

You're welcome OP.

Just because other people are "worse off" doesn't mean your situation is any less difficult or heartbreaking for your family.

Try to be kind to yourself.

You and your DH have made a difficult decision under extraordinary circumstances and that's going to test the patience of a saint.

All I think you can do it keep talking with your DH, let him know how much he is missed and make sure you are both clear on how you will manage the situation wrt your children. Surprises aren't a good idea right now, you need open channels of communication.

Sleep well and rest, hopefully time will take the sting out of today for both of you. Fundamentally you both know why you reached the decision you did.

Rather than the garden, would it be better to see each other with you and the kids in the house and him in the garden?

Can he get hold of some sort of tethering device for his iPad or WA from his phone and then forget he's 5 minutes away and treat him as deployed. You can do deployed as a family it's hard but you can.
Tell the kids he's been deployed
Tell yourself he's been deployed.
Don't let him be remembered as a leper at this time.