DH is getting so bossy

[EstuaryBird]

We’ve been isolating for 18days now and on the whole have got on OK. He is severely asthmatic and I have lung problems from having whooping cough when I was young so I understand that he is scared. Also a neighbour in our cul de sac died in hospital of CV at the weekend.

I know he means well but he is monitoring every single thing I do as if he thinks I’m incredibly stupid. We got a shopping delivery yesterday and he wouldn’t let me deal with it at all (he’s never dealt with shopping in 30 years) even though it was just dropped on the drive in carrier bags...so he wiped it all down (with a cloth with kitchen spray instead of the anti-viral wipes I bought weeks ago) then I put it away....then he told me all the ways I’d put it away wrong.

I always do all the cleaning, washing, etc but he’s taken over all that...he also cooks but always does that anyway. I have nothing to do. What I don’t get is that I’m usually out of the house (retired but lots of voluntary work), he’s usually in but does very little but now he’s doing everything because I’m not doing it properly.

I feel as if I just get up every day, sit on the sofa then go to bed. I’m so bored and he’s making it worse because now I feel like every move is being monitored. He’s just going right over the top and if I say anything he says ‘you’re an adult, do what you want, I just don’t think you realise how dangerous this is’. I know that if either of us get CV it will be my fault.

I just want him to calm down a bit but the more I try the worse he gets. Any suggestions??

It sounds like he's terrified as the only thing he can control is what comes into the house. Perhaps you need to talk to him about the change in his behaviour.

It sounds like anxiety manifesting in a desire to have control...you can't control what he does only what you do yourself.

So, maybe if you have time now, you could read / have a bath or do yoga, whatever helps you

Thank you, Goose. I do think that’s what it is but he won’t admit it!..I’m just worried how much worse he’s going to get and how much worse he’s going to get! I’ve tried talking to him but he’s in denial.

Having a bath is a good idea Orangeblossom, I do Walking with Leslie Sansone every day but he’s also taken to telling me how I’m doing that wrong too!

I’m doing lockdown with a basically decent bloke who’s extremely anxious so being a bit of a pain...I feel so bad for people who are dealing with much, much worse. If I was with ex this would be unbearable so I shouldn’t be complaining.

It’s probably good for his mental health to feel like he has some control over the situation. I’d just enjoy the time domestic help and bindgewatch Netflix maybe with some exercise in between to feel productive.

Definitely ok to complain here. Just put in a polite request that he restricts his criticisms to CV related things that you are doing that don't comply with government guidelines.

People are acting strange during this. In this instance he is afraid he will loose you and probably bored and anxious. That said I would absolutely stop him in his tracks. 'No I am fine to do this, I have dealt with the shopping for 30 years. I know you mean well but Please stop' hard stare...

I'd just let him get on with it. Let him do all the cleaning and washing and putting his shopping away. He wants to eel he is control of the situation.

Do what you want to do instead ie. reading, Netflix, crafts, writing a journal - whatever you are interested in.

Sorry it’s not what you’re asking but I had whooping cough aswell as my whole family a few years ago, I didn’t realise it could cause any lasting damage. What damage to your lungs do you have?

I’m so glad you’re all saying it’s fear and anxiety, it makes me feel much better!
I’ll let him crack on as it’s probably making him feeling better...once it’s warm enough to get into the garden it’ll give us more space away from each other.

@Realitea. I had it badly when I was 12. 3 weeks in hospital and 10 weeks ill altogether so please don’t panic. I have Bronchiactasis which is basically an enlarging of the bronchial tubes and bronchi so that they create more mucus (sorry!) and are more vulnerable to infection. It’s not common and if you haven’t had symptoms you should be fine.

OP my DH can be a bit like that with stuff being 'wrong' and the like but basically decent was yours brought up with criticism by any chance? Sometimes it can come from some kind of perfectionism / control / anxiety..maybe just ignore it and don't take it to heart. and yes, do your own things and ignore him if he says it is wrong or whatever

Thanks for that OP. It must’ve been awful for you. I went to A&E with it as I was having problems breathing and they never found out what it was, it was only when other family members got it that it was diagnosed as whooping cough!

Anyway, i have to admit I’m like your dh. It’s an anxiety thing, I only trust myself and don’t feel in control if I’m not the one doing things in my ordered way. I don’t mean it to be nasty. It drives my dh mad! It sounds very similar

Let him do everything. 🤷‍♀️ If he complains that you're not pulling your weight, point out that every time you do something, he says you're doing it wrong. Once all this is over, let him carry on doing all these things.

As for occupying yourself, the possibilities are infinite, really! Get out in the garden, take up a hobby, clean out long-neglected cupboards, read all the books you've been meaning to read, watch telly/netflix/boxsets, have long baths, take up meditation/yoga/ home workouts. There's always something to do!!

Leave him to it and enjoy the break!