My mum is basing my kids lives on my childhood

[Leona123321]

My mum will openly say as kids we didn't have days out often. We didn't go to the park. We played at home mostly and turned out fine. She was never a natural mum. She took care of us but she had no desire to make life fun for us. I spent alot of time at friends houses because they had fun.

My mum's openly told me in recent years she didn't want kids. She just had them for her husbands (two of them)

So here we are. My daughter is 5. My son's a toddler. We've always done bits and bobs with our kids. Walks in the woods. Parks, days out occasionally. One holidays a year in the uk. Mostly though I've always got my kids out for a walk. We love going in fields. Feeding ducks. Taking a picnic etc. They are the happiest memories of the last five years.

I was just talking to my mum this morning. We was saying we are fed up. Bored etc. But the minute I said about my kids she dismissed my comments. She doesn't seem to think kids are affected or will be affected. I know it's only a week in and So most kids are still happy playing in the garden or doing whatever they like doing at home. But I don't think in 4,5,6,7,8,9++++++ weeks that will be the case. I tried to explain to my mum's that weeks and weeks of this is going to tough on both of them. She argued it and said you was fine playing at home most the time at their ages. I told her I would of been at school. She argued that if it was the summer holidays I'd of been fine. So I tried to explain in the holidays we see friends. We see family. We go to parks. We walk to the shops. We buy ice cream. We swim. We go on holiday, we walk. We ride bikes. We go to cafes. We mix and we have days at home. But that's alot different to having to explain you can't go to the park. You can't see nanny. You can't go to Asda. You can't have swimming lessons etc.no days out. No MacDonalds, nothing.

I could ramble on but you get the idea. I am trying to make life as fun as possible. But I will not be able to stop her missing her friends and craving to leave the house in a couple of weeks. I am just annoyed that my mum thinks I'm making a fuss out of nothing. I can't be the only one who thinks this is fine for a few weeks but kids will be lost soon?

I totally agree with you. It will be even harder for all the children that know what they are missing! If your kids are so used to going out and about all the time of course they will start to struggle with spending each and every day at home! I have four children under 9 and we are all really missing our days out. Thankfully we live in a rural area so we can get out for one good walk a day which is really helping. Are you still able to get our for a walk each day OP?

You're banging your head against a brick wall there.

And wasting your breath.

You do your thing, and ignore her nonsense. And avoid talking about your approach to the kids cos the only person it'll upset is you, whilst she continues to live in her bubble.

Well, you said yourself that your mum wasn't much of a parent. She hasn't changed!

She doesn't want to accept /agree that you are a much better dm...
I am nc with my dm as she was more than rubbish...
She started giving me parenting advice and criticism! She was booted out of our lives!
Maybe tell your dm you agree your parenting style is different and your dc will be having a more fulfilled childhood. She knows where the door is if she can't stfu..

Well, your mum clearly doesn't know much about kids, and doesn't want to know, either.

That's why she was a bit of a crap mum.

Now she has a big vested interest in maintaining that it's not important for kids to have fun or be stimulated by a variety of experiences. Because if she admitted that, then she would have to recognise that she was a bit of a crap mum.

This is not a person to be discussing parenting with, to be honest. You know a lot more about it than she does, and she will always try to put you down, however rubbish her opinions are. She can't risk admitting that she messed up.

Maybe your mum is trying in her own way to say that children are resilient. Which I would agree they are

I know it's tough on everyone and especially as the weeks go by, but children don't have the same habits and expectations as adults do.

I have been pleasantly surprised how well my own grandchildren have coped. I see them on Face time now but a couple of weeks ago I would sit outside with them and keep to the social distancing rules. They seemed to understood in their own way and were really good about it.

We had explained things simply to them. Mentioned the news and the government, whose job it is to look after all the people, and that we need to be very careful to help the older people so they can be safe.

I'm not saying it isnt hard on children because it is, especially those children at risk and whose home life was not good before the crisis. But children in general are adaptable and they do cope, and in some cases probably better than many adults. Maybe this is what your mum means?

Thanks for the replies. We can go for walks. I've only taken the kids once but tomorrow I'm going to take them bright and early for a walk. It's definitely needed.

I feel better to read your views. I thought am I being pathetic. That's why I thought I would ask. I am genuinely sad for my kids. Mainly my eldest. What a head mess all this is for them. They are not stupid and understand what we normally do. They might not be able to put it into words but they will be thinking about things. Wondering when they will see people. If the pool will open again. When they will go to school again.

She definitely still believes none of it is needed. Trouble is she's produced four daughter's who have all had jobs etc. But none of us have bags of confidence and I honestly think her approach has held us all back in life.

Thanks for your replies. I hope we can protect our kids from this.

@flaxmeadow

It will be to an extent. But you sound much more caring and involved with your grandkids. My mum's not even asked how mine are. She hasn't rung to talk to them or anything. She's on Facebook, has a phone etc. She's just not that sort of person.

I also agree they will be ok. But I think before they are ok it's going to get abit frustrating and boring for them. I've done all the things I can... New craft sets. Picnics outside. late nights. Films. Baths in the middle of the day. But she has started asking now. She wants to go out. She wants to see her friends. It's tricky.

Your Mum sounds like mine, you'll get not sympathy whatsoever.

Agree with PPs, try not to talk to her about your concerns about your DC. I ask my "D"M what she's up to and she's very happy chatting about herself. She'll very occasionally ask me something about us, but quite rarely.

It's not an ideal relationship but I'm not going to change her so it's about protecting yourself.

My mother is much the same, and she is dismissive of anything outside her own direct experience.

There's no help to be had there.

Your daughter is just at that age where she questions everything and has a very different concept of time - a week is an awfully long time for a five year old - so it isn't easy for you.

Are you able to arrange for your daughter to Skype or FaceTime her friends? I know it isn't at all the same but it would be novel at first, like being on TV. They could play FaceTime Snap (show each other their cards one at a time; the first to shout Snap wins). I've been doing that with my little niece and it sends her into a fit of the giggles.

What about dressing up and doing simple plays? Or making treasure hunts where you use photos of objects around the house as the clues they have to collect to win a little prize?

This will be over one day but till then, try and take comfort in the fact that you are already doing everything you can to be a loving and caring Mum.

My DM rewrites history every time she talks about the past. Even if i'm in the room she'll make stuff up about events which took place while i was THERE and know exactly what went down.

This isn't an age thing either (before anyone says dementia) she's been manipulating the truth all her life. You just gradually notice these things once you grow up yourself.

It won't be great, but kids are much more resilient then we give them credit for. They will accept the situation without questioning the change to the level we are adults.

We spend a lot of times as parents feeling that it is our duty as a good parent to entertain them all the time, giving them the sense that boredom is misery.

I do think that confinement is going to be frustrating but I don't think it's half the tragedy some parents are making it out to be for their kids.

Laiste. my Mum is exactly the same. She was telling her mates the other day, in front of my Sister, how she always baked with us in the Summer Holidays.

When my Sister told me my comment was "she's getting baking mixed up with screaming again"

It's not an age thing with her either, she's always been like this.

As for the baking, I'm not even sure she actually knows what baking is.

Just remember your mum probably didn't have a car or as much money as you have.
We had one family holiday, visits were used to see family. We did day trips when dad was home on Sundays.
But to be honest long hot days in the garden or paddling in a stream, walks down country lanes are what I remember 50 years later. We didn't have that many friends over, never did play days.
Children don't need to be over planned all the time, they need freedom to learn.

It will be to an extent. But you sound much more caring and involved with your grandkids.

I am but I expect like many families ATM, it hasn't all been plain sailing either.

My mum's not even asked how mine are. She hasn't rung to talk to them or anything. She's on Facebook, has a phone etc. She's just not that sort of person.

Have you suggested doing Face time on a regular basis between your mum and your children. You say she isnt interested but maybe you could reach a compromise. Even if it's only once a week for 20 minutes, it's better than nothing

I also agree they will be ok. But I think before they are ok it's going to get abit frustrating and boring for them. I've done all the things I can... New craft sets. Picnics outside. late nights. Films. Baths in the middle of the day.

Yes it must be difficult but in fairness the things you list in your OP that you're now unable to do are out of your mums control.

But she has started asking now. She wants to go out. She wants to see her friends. It's tricky.

And this is not something you can control either.

Is there any common ground between you that might make for better conversation. Are you both able to discuss things outside the family situation reasonably together? Films, TV, current affairs, recipes, hobbies etc

Meant to say you cannot control either *

Laiste
My DM rewrites history every time she talks about the past. Even if i'm in the room she'll make stuff up about events which took place while i was THERE and know exactly what went down

Julie
As for the baking...

I'm sure I can't be the only mum with adult children reading this with a wry smile

I used to try to get my daughter involved in baking. I like cooking and would sit her in a high chair and explain what I was doing from a very early age. "Ooh mash mash mash the potatoes" In a sing song voice etc. Later as she got older, I would get all the ingredients on the table and try to make it fun with cutting out biscuit shapes and things

According to my daughter now I never did any of this. But the truth is she never had the remotest interest in cooking at any age. So has completely forgotten my many many attempts at trying to get her involved.

My dm used to get really mad if I let the dc 'help' with tea and make their own choices about food /clothes etc. I remember her insisting my hair had to be done a certain way and I used to cry..
She liked my dc small but not so much when they had opinions..

....and now an innocent remark like "ooh that curry you're making smells delicious, I like to put loads of ginger in mine"

Is met with

"STOP INTEREFERING !!!"

Cant win

Just remember your mum probably didn't have a car or as much money as you have.

We don't have a car - my parents did though they were broke as were we when the kids were little- but I took them out as much as we could often to free things though Mum did loads of baking with us.

I wonder if it's more a cultural change.

My parents were both latch key kids who spent a huge amount of their childhoods playing out doors unsupervised - so I know they did more with us than their parents did but they have been disaproving at times of amount we go out and about even when they know it wasn't costing us anything.

It's really not me misremembering and I know exactly what you mean about the children sometimes not being interested. However there's a huge difference between your children not remembering you showing them things and having a mum who was abusive and neglectful.

Our living door had a huge hole in it for years where she openly said she's thrown something heavy at my head and missed and snaked the door instead. I was 2.

I’d second the op that said that kids are resilient and really don’t have very many expectations.

I was the same age as my son now during the 1984 miners strike that decimated our community and took many to the brink economically and emotionally- I don’t remember a thing about it!

Remember the fact that you’re worried about this means you’re a great mum

My DM makes up random crap as well. To the extent that we're often able to disprove it completely using photos or dates etc. I tend to call her on it now, because she often makes up stuff about me or my siblings and tells lots of people about it, which is pretty nasty.

Luckily my siblings and I have our own memories, which all agree with each other. But nothing stops the tide of fantasy history from DM.

Strangely, it's usually stuff that paints her in a really good light and everyone else in a bad light. Although it may sometimes be completely random inventions designed to get everyone's attention. The other day she was telling her grandkids long impressive stories about what life was like for her during the Second World War. She was born in 1944.

It's easier now that the kids are older and they have worked out for themselves that Granny is full of crap.

Well there’s a world of difference now to how children used to be brought up. We never had play dates or clubs every night of the week no swimming lessons etc. But we weren’t neglected either. Just different ways of doing it.

I don’t your mum op obviously and it sounds likes she was neglectful then I’m sorry. But that’s a world away from not having every day structured to the last moment.

It sucks and it’s difficult, but it’s a challenge you can succeed in ;) my kids are 3 months, 6 and 8. I have them on a sort of routine. Mornings they always get dressed in nice outfits, hair styled/combed to begin the day. They have school work to do and free time. We always take one walk/run/bike ride out. They do art, they play loads of board games, free play, we read together. I allow screen time, but only two hours a day. Mine don’t go to bed until 9pm so the two hours of tv I really need or the day is long. They also video chat w a friend once every other day. Today they decorated Easter bonnets, made Easter cards after their Hw and free play.