Quarantine intensifying feelings of motherhood regret

[QuarantineDream]

The awful truth is I’ve hated being a mum ever since I had my baby 3 years ago.

The whole experience has been awful for various reasons (including but not limited to chronic illness, lack of family support etc) and the only thing that’s gotten me through is having part-time childcare (first PT nanny then 1/2 a day nursery daily) and being able to work (also part-time).

Now with everything that’s happened I feel I’m back to square one - no childcare and unable to work - and I’m not in a good place.

I know I’m lucky - I have a roof over my head, a partner who mostly pulls his weight, food, even some toilet paper! - but being trapped all day with a toddler is compounding all the feelings I had about motherhood from the beginning and making me wish more than ever I never had a kid.

I feel ashamed of this and like there's something wrong with me. Even though my friends complain about motherhood they've all had second or even third children whereas I can't even contemplate having another.

(Before anyone asks, I haven't had PND, no.)

Is there anyone who can relate?

If you can’t, please be gentle.

Sorry to hear what you’re going through OP What is it about motherhood that you find particularly hard to deal with?

I imagine that even people who find it all a breeze will be struggling with barely being able to leave their house for weeks on end, so you won’t be alone.

I feel exactly the same and it's something I rarely speak about. I recently found myself thinking that if I could go back knowing what I know now about motherhood, I'd have had an abortion. I feel terrible for thinking it and my toddler is the most incredible little person, I love him dearly. But holy cow I'm struggling to cope. Being at work and having a fantastic childminder has been my saviour, so right now I'm hating every minute.

I’m so sorry. I don’t feel the same but just wanted to say that while I can’t relate I do feel for you. Try not to think of motherhood as a static state though. It changes greatly as you get older and as your child changes.

Lots of people feel like you do, some wont admit it though, even to themselves. The toddler years are particularly demanding.
It might not feel like it, but it's not long till they start school. It gets easier then. Keep going, and don't waste energy wondering what if...

Don't be too hard on yourself, these are extraordinary circumstances that have pulled the coping mechanisms from right under your feet. At lot of people will feel the same right now when they normally wouldn't.

I quite fancied a second before this and now I most definitely do not. There is a lot of pressure as it's the 'done thing', just have another and get it all over with. But as much as I love my baby I never want to do this again. I don't have PND either, just don't particularly enjoy being shrieking at day in day out within the same four walls.

I'm certainly not going to flame you, but hopefully cheer you up a bit! I think this is far more common than people let on. I went back to work extremely early (although maternity leave was shorter then anyway). I found young children extremely hard (ironically I had more than one as they were close together and I hadn't fully grasped how hard they turn out to be ) I ran went back to work FT and DH was the primary carer.

But hopefully this will provide some light - although I appreciate the tunnel looks long at the moment - I have a theory people are generally a toddler or a teenage parent (if that makes sense). I was not a "natural" mother to young DC, the thought of playing pretend type games and the not having any free time at all and constant non stop talking was incredibly difficult for me.

But mine are teenagers/young adults now and I love it. Once they started secondary school it was so much easier for me and I think I was a better parent. I absolutely love and look forward to spending time with them (ironically I don't get to spend as much now!) and am proud of them.

I know this probably seems a long way away but it may give you some hope and reassurance that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you as a parent or a person. In the meantime I would agree with your DP you both get some totally DC free time each day (even if it's an hour in the evening it will give you something to look forward to. If possible you could take your exercise outside and actually leave the house alone, get fresh air and a proper break? Is he home in the day or could he arrange to be for some of the time? Your mental health is very important, especially now. The current situation will change and it will get easier.

It must be so hard for you, such a big change so quickly and the feeling of being trapped I imagine. It will get better. Also, my friends mostly have young DC (I had my DC young) and to comfort you, they are having an absolute fucking nightmare, especially those without gardens. They know they can moan to me and I know how they feel and definitely don't judge.

I'm sure you will get some good suggestions here of distraction and how to fill time with your DC, sadly I can't help with that as I've mostly forgetten much of it and went back to work when they were six weeks (that is probably extreme these days).

You will get some good proper advice from others here I am sure, I just wanted to give you reassurance and a bit of hope. The only real advice I can give you is not to start drinking wine as an escape, it's usually advocated here but it's really hard to stop when you start using it as a crutch.

for you.

Lots of women will be able to relate to this OP. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging your feelings whilst trying to accept the current reality. No need to feel ashamed.

Just do your best for now and be kind to yourself. It's a temporary situation, both in terms of lockdown and of having a toddler.

FWIW I know a few women who struggled with regret. They typically breezed through the teenage years and often enjoyed having older kids more than expected. Those of us who were more little kid-focused sometimes struggled to move on.

I feel for you. I think it’s more common than people think. However I think you will begin to feel better about it once your child becomes more mature and you can talk to them in a non childish way but that might be several more years yet

I was actually thinking the other day after speaking to my friends (one cried down the phone!) if people were allowed to socialise, and I was well enough, I would offer a free babysitting service for friends (and local Mners ) - not for them to go to work but for them to have a fucking break. I think so many people would love, and need this. People should not be ashamed to admit it.

I have a theory people are generally a toddler or a teenage parent

We cross posted, WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles. I totally agree!

Yay mossy it's not just me! It's strange because the older DC should be harder in a way, the "parenting risks" are so much higher - DC driving cars, going out drinking (not at the same time) meeting boy/girl friends, but bloody hell, I'd much rather be talking about these things with them then hearing you be the rabbit I be the frog seventy million times a day

I do have two and I love them but I don't love this small person stage. My eldest is nearly 4 and it is becoming better with her but my baby is only 7 months and he is a really joyful baby.... But this has confirmed no way do I want more, I feel trapped, I am looking forward to work and the children as they get older. I am not good at staying home or the tiny person stage. I hope it gets better for you. I am missing nursery so, so much right now. If you can try and find an hour a day where you can be by yourself and do something non kid or domestic related. I don't get that just now but I know it would help.

Not exactly motherhood regret but its definitely intensified feelings of not being good enough. I feel like I'm failing at every turn and incredibly short tempered with my eldest daughter (4) which is really unfair because it isn't her fault she's bored I feel guilty for having had them because I'm just not enough so I suppose in a way I do regret it. Its shit having no support and being stuck indoors, and there seems to be an overwhelming amount of competitive parenting going on at the moment on social media too which isn't helping (I know that isn't most people's intention when posting) but it's totally understandable to be feeling like this.

It will get easier, just not right now - there is nothing wrong with you, parenting is hard on the best of times and this is categorically not the best of times.

Thank you, some really kind responses here and glad to know I'm not alone. The weird thing was I really thought I'd love having a young child - I'm quite silly and love kids things (toys, animated films etc) but whenever I try to engage him in anything he either gets completely obsessed with it and just wants to do one thing on repeat for hours or he isn't interested.

It's hard to pinpoint what I find so hard about it but I think it's that I've always been someone who liked (needed) alone time and also I think I have to accept I'm quite selfish and I hate my life being dictated by someone else (especially someone who happens to be completely irrational because he's a toddler).

Also in my head I have this vision of being really pro-active and Insta-mum-y with crafts and baking and lunch plates shaped like animals or whatever but the reality is most days we don't even change out of our Pyjamas because I just don't have the energy to deal with stuffing a kicking wriggling running toddler into his clothes every flipping day.

Mate, I hear you. My ds is 9 now and pretty much self entertaining but not a day goes by without me imagining if this had happened during his baby or preschool years. I used to dream of lazy days of freedom, hours stretching in every direction with only myself to care for and please. I traded that in to become a parent and it was the biggest challenge of my life.

The only things that got me through were a belief in tomorrow - the classic 'this too shall pass'. It will. Hold tight, change is coming sooner than you think.

And of course DS himself. As he grew and developed, he became less of a drain on my emotional resources and more of a boost to them. He's better at conversation than his dad now, and has genuinely interesting views and knowledge.

It. Gets. Better.

Sending love and heartfelt supportive vibes to my sisters in the trenches right now, I'm thinking of you all the time.

Just do whatever you have to do to get through OP. I'm definitely a parent of older kids not toddlers. It does get easier but right now must be very difficult for you.

I think social media has a lot to answer for on this front.

This won't be forever (both the Covid-19 lockdown and the intensity of having a three year old!). However, one thing I hope is that your little one doesn't pick up on these feelings you have? One thing that makes me sad is the thought of a child not feeling totally loved and special. What was your own childhood like?

I don't think you hate motherhood.. you hate being a SAHM! So do I! I love my toddler with all my breath but my motherhood plans always included returning to work full time and having childcare. I love having the best of both worlds.
This period won't last forever. Just a few more weeks and I'm sure we will see a change in rules allowing you to take your son to friends or family's houses to give you a break. Then eventually you WILL get back to the life you had before. Just take each day as it comes.

I'm also fed up of seeing these perfect educational plans on social media. Makes you feel pretty shit when you're not a creative person at all! One thing I found really helped us to draw a routine for my toddler. It's not perfect. We're currently in 2hrs of TV time. I need these two hours to get myself ready and do a bit of cleaning. Then we have our daily walk outside. Back for lunch and a nap. I then attempt 2hrs of an activity. Yesterday we baked a cake. The day before we did some glueing. The day before that I think we just watched some more tv. Then dinner, a long bath and bed. Don't set yourself unrealistic goals. If he's fed and happy and asleep in bed at the end of the day, you're doing great!!

Sorry to hear you're struggling OP.

As someone else said, I think this is surprisingly common and normal and made worse in part by the fact that people are loathe to admit it, so well done in doing so.

I also think the coronavirus crisis has massively accentuated this because is has forced people into unnaturally close proximity and a lot of people aren't getting the freedom they would have had prior to this.

I'm not struggling in quite the same way as you but I'm working and trying to home educate and feel at the moment that I'm failing hopelessly at both.

Please remember for now that you're not failing and your feelings are very normal.

It's strange because the older DC should be harder in a way

That's the thing, WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles! I'm way out of my depth with teenagers and totally in awe of the natural older kid parents like you. And of course my kids now don't care about - or even remember - all the baking, crayoning, singing, role playing when they were little.

Also in my head I have this vision of being really pro-active and Insta-mum-y with crafts and baking and lunch plates shaped like animals or whatever but the reality is most days we don't even change out of our Pyjamas because I just don't have the energy to deal with stuffing a kicking wriggling running toddler into his clothes every flipping day.
You see, in my book that makes you a relaxed let-it-all-hang-out mummy instead of a tense and insecure performance and achievement at all costs mummy. You get all all all my sympathy OP. The mummy expectations are high and always were.

I'm a granny now and my base line is this - all fed, none dead. If you manage that you are already winning. Plus everything everybody else said.
- all for you. It WILL get better.

Three is hard - they are so relentless.

For me it's the imagination, I hate it. I also get really frustrated playing games where I don't know the rules.

She gets cross with me if I do things wrong. Yesterday I stuck a stamp on an envelope (she wanted to do it) and it was the end of days.

I find it emotionally exhausting but try not to snap at her (I sometimes fail).

I could not do this without DH, to be able to say 'go ask daddy' once in a while is a lifesaver!

We won't have another, but we'd already decided that!

Well somewhat devils advocate, but I have found one of the benefits of more than one is that sometimes they play together rather than with you It's a bit of a drastic solution to the toddler years though especially as the trade off in later years is "OH MY GOD SHE'S WEARING MY NEW TOP AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN ASK AND IT COST £15 FROM ASOS AND I WANT TO WEAR IT TONIGHT OH MY GOD"

It is hard. I'm a SAHM and love it but going out is the thing that keeps me going!!