I can't cope

[allthesharks]

I can't cope with being so shut off like this. Every day is the same. And with no end in sight it feels like there's nothing to look forward to.

My children are missing my parents so much. They're FaceTiming they, and other family, but they usually see them multiple times a week and they were like the second parent to them after my marriage broke down. They usually see their Dad every other weekend but he isn't having them while we're in lockdown, and we were self isolating for a week before that so it's been over 3 weeks since they've seen him now. They don't seem particularly bothered about that. He wants to FaceTime them every day and DD1 asked why. I've facilitated it most days, but the occasional day it's been a rush, what with home schooling and me and my DP working from home, plus the usual things that need to be done. It's a lot to juggle and I have forgotten about FaceTiming him a few times. And then he has a go at me through messages. Prior to lockdown he didn't even ask about his children weekly, let alone want to FaceTime them.

My DP has been great with looking after the DC with me. He gets up in the morning so I can sleep in because I'm not sleeping well. But I feel guilty when he does that because it's my "job".

I'm 21 weeks pregnant. My two DC were born very premature so I'm scared about that already and now I'm scared this baby will be born while we're in lockdown.

My depression has become much worse. I'm still taking my medication. I'm trying to look after myself by eating well and trying to get enough sleep. But I just feel so awful. Nothing seems to help.

Last night I came very close to hurting myself. I just feel so completely trapped and DP and I had an argument and I had no where to go to get away. It felt like the only way out. I was exhausted and I wasn't thinking rationally. It scared me. I'm still scared.

I'm not getting any guilt free break from the DC. They're really good children. They have their moments, of course, but they play nicely together, they're loving, they're happy to do school work. But they aren't getting a break from each other or from me and DP and they're used to going to school/nursery, so they're becoming fractious.

I wish I could see my mum. I know that sounds so pathetic. And I've been talking to her on the phone, but it's not the same. My DC want Nanny and I want my Mummy. I'm 33 and I want my Mummy. How pathetic.

It sounds like you're putting too much pressure on yourself. Trying to make the best of situation is great but ultimately, we are in crisis time and all we need to do is to focus on one day at a time, trying not to think of next week let alone next month however hard it is not to worry.

If your kids are not playing well all the time, it's ok. Of you are having some arguments, it's ok. If you are not the perfect mum or partner, let alone ex, it's ok.

Don't feel guilty, this will just eat up the little energy you have. Do your best and that's that. There is no such thing as normality at the moment so trying to replicate is only going to be as good as. You are not super woman et should let yourself think you should be.

OP, can you safely get out for daily fresh air and exercise? Do you have a garden, or a nearby country area where you can go, with or without the kids? Anyone not high risk is allowed an hour of exercise a day, as long as you maintain 2metres separation from other people. It can help a lot with improving mood and helping to make lockdown bearable.
And as PPs say, just tackle a day at a time - don’t fret just yet about your delivery, or how long the lockdown may last.
We are all missing our families, we understand how you feel about your mum. I live alone, and have been ill with Covid 19 for a week. I miss my daughters terribly, but was too ill to even be able to speak on the phone until yesterday. This is tough, on all of us. But we will come through it, and so will you. And you have the joy of a new baby to look forward to, as well. Have a really good snotty cry - get it all out of you - and then pick yourself up and aim to get through one more day. You are more resilient than you think, and some of your upset may simply be pregnancy hormones, which are amplifying your emotional stress. It’s normal to be fed up in the circumstances, but don’t let it overwhelm you. God bless.

You're not pathetic, you're having normal feelings - including wanting your mum. It's just that these are such abnormal times that in turn your normal reactions to them are very intense and overwhelming.

I'm the past have you had other things that have helped you cope with your depression and these kinds of feelings? Some people have a box of things they turn to when they need comfort or they're feeling desperate, so you have anything like that or might it be helpful to create?

You're putting so much pressure on yourself. It is ok sometimes to ease back on what you'd normally ask of yourself and just do the very basics to get through each hour or day. That's a positive thing to do to take care of yourself and your family.

This is such a hard time for everyone. It is really important to put yourself first and try enjoy small things like having a bath. Reading a book etc, I am sure your DP wants to look after you and help with the children. Sometimes it is hard, but if you open up to him, I am sure he will want to help as much as possible. As for your ex, tell him it is lovely he wants to speak to the DC daily but you just cannot always fit it in. Maybe make a fixed time every two days so it becomes part of a routine. This time period is all about making things as easy as possible for everyone in the family, including the kids. School work doesn't have to be a priority either.

Thank you all for your lovely messages. Today has been better. I had a proper chat with my DP and I also had a good talk with my Mum on the phone. I don't work on a Monday so I was able to have some time with the DC just playing and cuddling. I feel more "at ease" than I did. It's such a small thing, but I think the weather being crap the past few days hasn't helped either. Hopefully the sun will come out again soon.

Something that I know always helps is to talk to people, but instead I've been retreating in to myself. Being more open about everything has definitely helped. My DP has no prior experience of mental health difficulties and he does find it difficult to relate to how I'm feeling and he does that classic thing of trying to "fix" things. He asked if I minded if he confided in a friend. This friend has struggled with depression himself and his girlfriend has too. I think it helped him to talk to someone and he said that his friend said a lot of the same things that I have said - about how the most basic task can seem insurmountable and how he can't fix this. While I've said all of that to my DP, I think it helped him to have someone else explaining it when they're not in the midst of it, if that makes sense.

I didn't really realise until some of you said it here, just how much pressure I am putting on myself. Yesterday my ex sent me a message criticising me for not getting the DC to FaceTime before bed. I explained that it's not always easy to fit it in as we're trying to juggle so much but that I would try my best. He responded horribly saying it shouldn't be that difficult. That really got to me. No, it shouldn't be that difficult, but he has consistently not answered FaceTime calls from the DC before all of this so it also shouldn't have been that difficult for him to have made time for them. He made me feel like I was failing when my DP and I are dealing with it all, and we do the vast majority of the time as well. It just felt like another demand and like I was letting someone else down. When he does FaceTime them he asks what school work they've done, so I feel like if they haven't done much that day then that's also not good enough. He treated me very badly, and the DC since the separation, and having to deal with him every day feels really rubbish. I think that's getting to me more than I realised.

I will try to take things one day at a time. Oddly, the days do seem to be going quite quickly so that is one blessing. There will be an end to this crappy situation. It might take a while before life is back to normal, but it won't be like this forever and I have to remind myself of that. The fact that I can see that now is a big improvement on yesterday and this morning.

I'm sorry for anyone else struggling too.

That’s the spirit, OP! And you can always have a good moan on here to let off a bit of steam when you need to. It’s almost April, there will soon be warm sunshine and refreshing showers, flowers and Spring lambs, and already the nights are lighter with the clock change. Even Covid 19 can’t stop the Spring coming!