Should I go to stay with my parents to care for them?

[Scarby9]

I have learnt so much reading the coronavirus threads on here, so am now asking for your advice.
My parents live 100 miles away from me. My dad is 83 with rheumatoid arthritis, on methotrexate, and my mum is 84 with dementia, pernicious anaemia and limited mobility. My dad does a brilliant job caring for my mum, who is still social and enjoys life, although she can no longer make a cup of tea or make a phonecall, for example. They have both always been determined not to be a burden to my brother (55) or I(59), so have hidden health problems and crises ( eg. boiler broken) in the past. However, we have kept them going during coronavirus by online shopping for them (my dad uses the internet and email, but no online shopping or skype etc) and posting them missing items eg. toilet rolls. We both phone at least once a day for an hour or so and they had a good routine going of cleaning, sorting, garden, walk round the block, meals, planned TV and a simple game my mum can still play.
BUT, my dad has had diarrhoea since Monday, and is not getting any better, despite the GP giving antibiotics and assuring him it is just a tummy bug. He isn't eating, though is still making meals for my mum. Having read threads on here, I am really worried that it is coronavirus and is likely therefore to get worse, meaning he would not be able to look after my mum, and she is not capable of looking after him.
If he starts additional symptoms, what would you do? I can't see how I can not go up and move in with them to care for them both. I am still working (teacher), but mostly now from home; my brother (and sister in law) are 300 miles away and he is a very busy key worker (also with RA like my dad) - they also care for SIL's mum ( at a distance currently).
My dad would hate it at first ( guilt at me giving up my life and possibly health) but could probably relax a bit and focus on himself if he knew my mum was cared for and the responsibility lifted. But what if I then got ill? Would I be a bigger burden for them? For context, I am very healthy, have had only 3 days off work in the last 12 years.
By the way, my parents have followed all the guidance on social distancing except when they had to go to a doctor's appointment for my mum 12 (?) days ago. That doctor was later on their local news with cv, so if he does have it, that is a potential source.
Just looking for thoughts and advice, please.

for you and your Mum and Dad.

This is a really difficult situation, and one that more and more of us are likely to find ourselves in.

I think I would go, but bearing in mind it is likely to be for the long haul.

It’s a hard one isn’t it?
On one hand I can see why you want to be with them - with the proviso that if you do then you are going to stay with them until June. They clearly need support, not the least because your dad needs some rest and your mum needs a carer.

On the other, you don’t want to take the risk of infecting them....

If it was me, I would go AFTER having had a chat with them regarding risks.

I've talked about this kind of scenario with my DP, in case his elderly mum gets ill with CV-19. We agreed he would go to look after his mum if she becomes ill, on the understanding that he would then have to stay up there with her, as most likely he would catch it. I am quite vulnerable so don't want to catch it, both of us are currently self-isolating.

I think you need to be sure you really need to go, i.e. wait for another day or two to see if your dad starts to improve in case it's not CV-19, but if he worsens then you might need to go. I hope he gets better.

Thank you for your thoughts. I absolutely wouldn't go unless I was pretty sure he had it (could bring infection to them as have not been isolated), and would be prepared to be there as long as it takes. No dependents here, and could continue to
do some work remotely as required, or take dependents, then unpaid leave.
Anyone else?

Please, anyone any experiences of this?

Hi OP, totally sympathise with this situation. I'd suggest taking it day by day. Can you get up there at short notice if you need to? Do they have friends or neighbours you can ask to check on them from a distance?

You mentioned your father has had diarrhea since Monday. That's nearly a week. Have any other symptoms emerged? If not then I think it's likely to be a tummy bug or anxiety/stress. I'm not a doctor though but have suspected covid and been following the symptoms and trends. Generally symptoms come on over a few days with a mix of things like sore throat, chills, headache, fever, tight chest, aches.

How long have you been isolating for, if at all? I'm sure the main worry is you unintentionally bringing it to them if they don't have it. Could you isolate for a week and then go to them?

I don't know if this helps but an elderly relative in her 90s is in hospital with a hip injury. She's tested positive for covid and has no symptoms at all. In fact she's in great spirits! Meanwhile I am 34 and have been off my feet for two weeks ill with it. So it seems totally hit and miss and your parents could be in the group who are more immune to it.

Thank you for your calm and reassurance Little (don't know how to highlight named sorry). Yes, I could be up there in 3 or 4 hours, and neighbours would check if we couldn't get phone response. I was 7 days isolated until yesterday when I took my parents' loo rolls to the post office, so now having to start the clock again. My dad is a real worrier, always has been, so that can't be helping, you're right. I hope, hope, hope that's all it is.