I just need to vent.
I have two children age 3 & 4. My youngest is SEN and has learning difficulties, speech and language issues and developmental day. He is non verbal, has no self help skills, is still in nappies, has no attention span whatsoever and according to his educational psychologist has the development/mentality of a 2 year old.
He is very demanding at the best of times, but since his brother has been off school and we've been cooped up in a flat for over a week, he's been a nightmare. I feel so guilty on my oldest, every time I try and do a homeschool activity with him my youngest begins to rip up whatever we're doing, scream and throw things around. I currently have no TV to distract him for a while as he broke the previous 2 in an outburst.
They don't have iPads, I have tried putting apps on my phone for him to watch whilst I give my elder DS a bit of attention but this is pointless too. He has no attention span whatsoever and just runs around all day with his cars. If elder DS is playing he trashes his game, so then they begin to fight and it's just a nightmare.
I don't have a garden so I can't even make the most of the weather for the time being and let them play outside. I struggle from MH issues. In the past I've suffered from eating disorders and self harm. I split up with their dad around a year ago, which was a really difficult time for me. However, the last couple of months, I'd finally started to move on , and get them into a routine and everything was going ok.
I worked part time around my children's nursery/school hours, but I have been laid off due to the coronavirus outbreak, and I don't think have a job to go back to. Every day is a nightmare. I can't enjoy any time with my children. My youngest cannot be left unsupervised, he cannot communicate his wants/needs, he hits, kicks and lashes out at both me and his brother. He wakes frequently at night (waking up crying about 5/6 times, and being awake from 5am everyday) and will not self settle to sleep without me. My elder DS who is usually amazing has started acting out this past week also, I'm assuming due to the situation.
I just feel mentally and physically drained. I'm worried about my job, money, the virus, everything. Yesterday DS2 had an outburst, (his structure and routine have completely done through the window) and he kicked me in the face. Once they were both in bed asleep, I began to self harm. I don't know what else to do. I don't have any other adult to talk to, I'm struggling to cope being in 24/7 with them.
They usually see their dad every week Saturday night and stay till Sunday afternoon. However I don't even know what to do about that. DP still wants to see them, and he lives alone in the old family home (we don't get on very well) about 10 minutes away from us. but I'm not sure whether I take them or not with everything that's going on.
I'm just at a koi's really and it's only the first week. I'm really struggling to cope with my sins behaviour and I feel like a shit parent that my eldest always misses out.
I'm sorry for the rant, I just needed to vent.