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Covid

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Original poster

DH won't keep kids at home

72 replies

WaitingForTheTsunami · 27/03/2020 17:35

I'm pretty sure IANBU but have no idea how to resolve the situation, grateful for any ideas.

I'm a doctor in a specialty that is VERY involved in the current crisis. I am currently on maternity leave with DS2, and due to return in 2 weeks. Initially I will be working 3 days a week but expect that I'll be asked to increase to FT soon. I may even be asked to move out and live in accommodation nearer work to limit risk to my family/repeated isolations due to poorly kids/reduce commute between shifts safely.
Under ordinary circumstances, both DSs should have been attending nursery, and DH would have been doing the drop-offs/pick ups as it's near his work (I have a long commute and work long shifts so can't do it).

DH is not a keyworker. He works full time in academia in a subject which can almost entirely be done WFH (as he frequently does) but cannot be easily done while looking after kids - need to be able to concentrate for long periods to read papers, do statistics etc. He wants to continue to send the boys to nursery because he can't work at home while looking after them. Nursery seem to be happy to keep them based on just me being a keyworker, they haven't asked about him - in many ways it would have made the situation easier if they had refused to take them!. I would really prefer him to keep them home, as plenty of families are having to find a way to manage around this situation and it would be safest for everyone to do so. I'm not particularly worried about them catching it (in fact think we may have just had it - coming to the end of 2 weeks of feverish, coughing isolation) but about minimising spread as far as we can.

I've tried pointing out the government advice, the medical advice, appealing in as many ways as I can, but he wants to continue to send them to nursery unless it's legally or physically impossible. Ultimately as he is going to be responsible for them while I'm off to work, it has to be his decision and his responsibility so I can't force him. What can I do to persuade him?!

OP posts:

pocketem · 27/03/2020 17:37

If you have the option to send them to nursery I would. Will be hard for you to cope with the demands of a busy shift and then come home to kids that are climbing the walls through boredom and lack of stimulation

nsav · 27/03/2020 17:45

No. Unless you are both key workers you should keep your kids at home. The nursery places are for kids with parents who are key workers with no other option

Original poster

WaitingForTheTsunami · 27/03/2020 17:51

@nsav I know this. How do I convince him?

OP posts:

GoldenOmber · 27/03/2020 17:53

I don't think there's much you can do to make him if he's determined, but he is being unreasonable here. Half the country is trying to juggle WFH with children at the moment and the keyworker childcare isn't there for "those of us who need to concentrate to do our jobs".

CaryStoppins · 27/03/2020 17:55

Have you pointed out that he is causing an unnecessary risk to the nursery staff? And their families?

Original poster

WaitingForTheTsunami · 27/03/2020 17:56

Not specifically, though have warned that extra kids in nursery = extra sources of infection spread.

OP posts:

GoldenOmber · 27/03/2020 17:57

Tell him he's going to make life unreasonably hard for his colleagues/other academics with young children, by making it look like it's possible to get loads done over this period?

ZombieFan · 27/03/2020 17:58

what a selfish dick, how many lives is he putting at risk by carrying on as if nothing is wrong.

OPTIMUMMY · 27/03/2020 18:02

He is being completely unreasonable. You don’t know that you’ve all had it, thousands have been tested because they had symptoms and didn’t have it! What if when you guys get it you don’t have a mild version? That’s happened to a number of people, and when you go back to work you are increasing the family’s risk of getting it - to do that and then put kids into nursery is even more irresponsible. The nursery staff are only doing this because they think they are helping keyworkers who have no choice, it puts them at greater risk as well as the children and your family. It’s much harder with nursery children to keep social distancing - and this is making your kids be out for non-essential reasons! In my local authority you’d have had to fill out a form that asks the professions of both parents, if one isn’t a keyworker they wouldn’t be able to offer the childcare to them. Maybe you should check with your nursery what their policy actually is. Maybe he would feel that he couldn’t use them if he knew he was actually having to be dishonest to use them. Show him this thread when it’s up and running with lots of replies and it might let him see how unreasonable and stupid he is being.

2020newme · 27/03/2020 18:03

I would go for the nuclear option here. Cancel the nursery and let him suck it up.

theworstwife · 27/03/2020 18:05

Other than selfishly wanting to do his work in peace what are his reasons for sending them in? Is he concerned about his performance, money, others perceptions, is he unconvinced of the seriousness of the situation? It is a real shame he isn’t prepared to care for them at home. Myself and my DH are both consultants, me a lot less useful than him and we are managing to keep our 2 children at home

Itsarainysunnyday · 27/03/2020 18:08

I am in the same position as your husband. Academic and my husband is a keyworker out all day. I tried to convince myself I was ok with sending my toddler to CM, I also have a 7 year old to homeschool. I posted on here, had a variety of responses. I knew I couldn’t send him. It just didn’t sit right with me, it would have been dangerous and selfish.

As it stands a weeks worth of homeschooling, full time work and toddler entertaining has been a fucking nightmare. But we all survived. And I’d much rather this than the possible alternative.

Interestingly my NHS keyworker DH was all for sending him. In fact it didn’t even cross his mind not to. Make of that what you will. He thinks I’m quite mad!

GatoFofo · 27/03/2020 18:12

He’s being a selfish dick. He should be prioritising supporting you and your family whilst you get on with your essential work supporting the sick.

Egghead68 · 27/03/2020 18:13

Could you compromise and send them to nursery part-time?

Amazemae · 27/03/2020 18:17

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3861410-To-not-be-surprised-that-some-men-are-still-dodging-looking-after-their-own-children

It’s surprising how many fathers won’t step up to look after their own children.

Poppi89 · 27/03/2020 18:28

I thought teachers were classed as key workers.
I wouldn't want my DC going in unless it was absolutely necessary.
Is there any way you could compromise and they do just 2 days in nursery?

Original poster

WaitingForTheTsunami · 27/03/2020 18:29

@Egghead68 they'd only be going part time (3 days) anyway as that's my current hours.

I could effectively drop us in it by telling nursery as has been suggested, but that really would be a nuclear option and I'm not sure he'd forgive me for that. It's a private nursery, not LA run so to an extent I think they can set their own rules.

Will keep plugging on at him...

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/03/2020 18:31

It's always the bloody men (NAMLT etx) that can't combine work and look after kids.

Plenty of fucking women proving them wrong this week.

PicsInRed · 27/03/2020 18:33

If he was a key worker himself I would have more sympathy with his need to get the work done, but surely he is furloughed? What active academia could there possible be at this time other than as relates to the study of coronavirus?

theworstwife · 27/03/2020 18:45

Does he really value his work over other people’s lives? I would loose respect for him v quickly

Original poster

WaitingForTheTsunami · 27/03/2020 18:46

@PicsInRed I think if he could get paid furlough he would take it and look after them but it hasn't been offered yet. Can you ask for that sort of thing?

He does genuinely worry he won't be able to work properly, will put his job at risk (always fragile in academia!) etc, it's not just wanting to dodge childcare. But still.

OP posts:

GrumpyHoonMain · 27/03/2020 18:57

Just send them to nursery. Every school is reviewing the guidance slightly differently according to it’s population. For example some schools near where my family live, due to demand, now won’t accept the children of anyone who doesn’t work in specific NHS jobs. The schools where I live aren’t opening at all

Amazemae · 27/03/2020 19:08

He just doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own kids. You don’t mention in your OP that it is about the money. Lots of people can’t work properly with kids at home and plenty of people with jobs at risk.

zafferana · 27/03/2020 19:10

You are a key worker and so they are entitled to nursery places. In my area, very few key workers are actually taking up their places, due to guilt and pressure and this thing could go on for MONTHS. For a week or two is fine - most families can muddle through (stressful though it is to try and work while having your DC at home FT), but for months? If his job will be on the line if he can't do it (and he should think about ways he can do it - getting up early, working late, working on days when you're at home, etc), but if it's impossible to make it work then I'd send them to nursery. You'll be saving lives. Places for your DC have been factored into the nursery's numbers.

Doobydoo · 27/03/2020 19:11

Guidance states that if not essential children should remain at home. Your job is important.

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