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Original poster

Taking my neighbour to hospital

32 replies

abstractzebra · 26/03/2020 14:15

My neighbour in her eighties has an appointment tomorrow.
So far, one of her children had arranged to take her but the appointment has been changed so now can't do it and another elderly relative has pulled out because of the risk to themselves (I agree).
My neighbour has cancer, so needs a scan tomorrow and her operation is in the few days. She's only just really found out, so given the timescale, it seems it's extremely urgent.
She phoned me last night upset that she had no one to take her so I have said that I will.
I am only dropping her off at the door and then she is going to try and arrange patient transport back. I've no idea how easy that will be.
Am I doing the right thing? I feel that I shouldn't be willingly mixing with a vulnerable person but at the same time, I can't leave her and not help.
I have absolutely no symptoms and have been keeping to the social distancing rules.

OP posts:
painintheholeSIL · 26/03/2020 14:22

You're doing the right thing. I'd do it too. It's very kind of you. I'd probably wait to bring her home again too.

Dippitydoodle · 26/03/2020 14:35

I'd do it too, if your really concerned put her in the back and keep the windows open. I'd offer to collect too.

Original poster
abstractzebra · 26/03/2020 14:46

Thank you for the reassurance.
I've already offered to pick her up but I don't think she is thinking straight.
I will reiterate this tomorrow when I drop her off.
The trouble is we are making most of our arrangements shouting up to her balcony or quick phone calls. Normally I'd spend time with her and my other neighbour and keep her spirits up.

OP posts:
Original poster
abstractzebra · 29/03/2020 10:39

I'm tearing my hair out with this now!
My neighbour's next appointment is due in the next few days and it turns out again that her children are otherwise engaged.
It's an operation this time and I've said I'm happy to take her again (I'm happy for her sake but becoming increasingly annoyed with her family).
Does anyone know what happens about aftercare if no one is there to pick you up or look after you at home? I don't have a spare bed but myself and my daughter agreed that one of us could sleep on the sofa and let her have a bed and my other neighbour who looked after her previously is in a higher risk category.
I'm trying not to be moody but looking back, it's suddenly dawned on me we've covered every single appointment and aftercare so far for months and absolutely no word from her children at all!

OP posts:
SoloMummy · 29/03/2020 10:47

In the first instance I would call the hospital transport number first to see if they can collect and/or drop her.
That would be preferable for all.
If they can't you may still take her accepting you'll need to wait to collect her after.
Different areas have different rules atm re their transport services.

Original poster
abstractzebra · 29/03/2020 13:05

I'm taking her but it's the part after that I'm concerned about.
If it was a relation of mine, I'd have a rock solid plan in place. I wouldn't just rely on neighbours without even checking how they feel about it!
I feel like they are saying 'we don't really want to catch corona virus, so we're happy to ignore the problem until someone else steps in'
I'm going to contact one of the children and ask what they have in place, even though I know they have nothing!

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 29/03/2020 13:18

Hi OP, I thought I'd share what I've had to do recently. I had breast cancer surgery on Monday. A close friend and I did a risk assessment, both symptom free, I've been in a lot anyway recently. I am a single parent and needed to have somebody at my house post surgery so friend moved in with me and went home yesterday. It's not idea but things like this fall under "essential contact". I also had to make arrangements for my DS to be cared for during surgery and kind symptom free friends have offered help for my treatment going forward. There is no choice. I think there has to be some common sense in situations like this. I'd be contacting your neighbours family though, they need to step up for her 🙄

Original poster
abstractzebra · 29/03/2020 13:50

I agree with you but it needs to be a family member I think.
It's not really appropriate to assume neighbours are going to just pick up the slack.
I'm not letting my other neighbour do it and there's two of us in my place but my daughter has said she doesn't mind.
I hope you are making a good recovery ❤️

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 29/03/2020 14:03

@abstractzebra I agree! None of this should be falling on you. She's lucky to have you. I'd be having a very firm word, it's really not ok. Am fine thanks, couldn't have picked a better time to get that diagnosis 😂

FaithInfinity · 29/03/2020 14:12

She needs to sort the transport before she goes. Where I work it has to be booked in advance (and it’s a ball ache at the best of times let alone with a virus around). Or you need to be on standby to collect her as well. Otherwise she could well end up stranded there.

Original poster
abstractzebra · 29/03/2020 14:13

My neighbour keeps saying the same thing!
She only found out fairly recently that she has cancer but they are getting her in so quickly which is good but she's obviously scared as well.
She's a lovely lady and I would do anything for her but in the current climate, this is a big deal!

OP posts:
Original poster
abstractzebra · 29/03/2020 14:16

She's 82 and unwell.
If her family were doing what they need to do, no one would have to arrange anything. They would be saying to her 'it's all taken care of, you don't need to worry about anything'

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/03/2020 14:33

If her family were doing what they need to do, no one would have to arrange anything

You're quite right, so what I'd personally do is this:

  1. Take her to the hospital (which is very kind of you)
  2. Give the family's contact details to the staff
  3. Step right back

You'll find that's the point where they contact the family / social services, etc, so the responsibility can be put where it belongs

TheOwlandThe · 29/03/2020 14:40

They won't send her home from the hospital if there's no one to look after her. Not unless/until they decide she's well enough to look after herself. Is she supposed to be staying in over night or is it a day procedure?

I agree with the poster above. Give the staff the families contact details. Obviously keep an eye out for her but I wouldn't do it in an official capacity.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/03/2020 15:11

Obviously keep an eye out for her but I wouldn't do it in an official capacity

It's the "official capacity" that's the key isn't it ... and that's the status which OP should avoid at all costs

At a time when beds are so desperately needed the hospital will no doubt leap upon anyone who can mean a patient's discharged, and I totally sympathise with that. But it still doesn't make it OP's responsibility, especially when the family history suggests she'd be in it for the long haul

Original poster
abstractzebra · 29/03/2020 16:13

I've sent a message to one of the children saying that although we looked after her after her last operation, my other neighbour (who had her in to stay the night), would not be able to do it this time due to her own vulnerable status.
I've had a reply and it is a bit vague and saying that the other child will possibly be there but not sure but at least acknowledging that they know something will need sorting.
I've highlighted the potential issue, so at least that's something!
I don't even really want to go into the hospital and I felt bad when I just dropped her off last time. Just a good luck and see you later. Normally, I'd have given her a hug and my other neighbour normally goes in and sits with her as they are both retired.
This virus makes everything so difficult!

OP posts:
Daisiest · 29/03/2020 16:14

I wouldn't be able to do it. DH is classed as vulnerable.

I think her DCs need to be helping or sorting this out.

Original poster
abstractzebra · 29/03/2020 16:15

I forgot to say, it's day surgery on the letter but it's one of those types of ops which I think shouldn't be especially if you are in your eighties!

OP posts:
TheOwlandThe · 29/03/2020 16:31

Hmm, if it's day surgery is it general?

Assuming it is, I think she will need to make arrangements for someone to collect her and look after her. Her children are being shockingly bad. Imagine your 82 yr old mum having a cancer op and not being there? Shock Sad

Even if it is day surgery they won't necessarily send her home, if she needs to stay in they will keep her in. Like I said they will only send her home if it's safe to do so.

Pre corona virus there were plenty of situations like this, where someone has no one to look after them and normally arrangements would be made for a bed for them overnight pre surgery. I don't know exactly what the bed situation is like in your hospital at this time but it's by far not an unusual situation. You need to be clear though that you aren't going to be looking after her. Like a PP said if you give an indication to the hospital that you are going to be picking up/looking after it masks the problem really.

TheOwlandThe · 29/03/2020 16:35

And it's not being harsh

You are only a neighbour. It's one thing to take a neighbour to their appointments, help them out etc. It's another thing to basically take on their caring needs. It's not fair on her either, she should have someone who she is close to there, because whilst you are a wonderful neighbour she's 82 and she's sort of alone in this.

I think it's important the hospital know theres no family to care for her if necessary (assuming they don't come to their senses)

MoveOnTheCards · 29/03/2020 16:41

What a position to put you in abstract and your poor neighbour.

Were you totally clear in your note to her family that you cannot (will not) be looking after her afterwards? Highlighting a problem isn’t quite the same as making it clear it’s their’s to solve.

My parents are constantly being put in a similar position with one of their v elderly neighbours because his daughter cba to sort something out properly (either herself or a much-needed career).

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/03/2020 16:43

I'd be very careful, OP; the fact you looked after her over a previous op will have set an unfortunate precedent in their minds, and since it's day surgery there's every chance their "vagueness" will turn into a "sudden emergency so can't be there" on the day

You really do need to make it clear to both them and the hospital that you will not be available afterwards - no "just this once because of the virus" or anything else. She'll be in hospital, warm and fed, and it's time for anything else to be arranged by others

Puzzledandpissedoff · 29/03/2020 16:45

Were you totally clear in your note to her family that you cannot (will not) be looking after her afterwards? Highlighting a problem isn’t quite the same as making it clear it’s their’s to solve

Yes, I wondered this myself ...

BunnytheBee · 29/03/2020 16:47

You are doing the right thing in that you are doing nothing wrong but her family should be doing this.

It seems like they are relying on you, because you’ve helped before, and hoping you’ll step up now so that they don’t have to!

I’d follow up with another text before the event to check that they are dealing with it.

DishingOutDone · 29/03/2020 16:53

I've known this happen where people helping are recorded in hospital records as next of kin and "carers". I'd call the hospital social worker and ask them to pass the relatives' contact details to the ward staff to put on neighbour's file. Next thing you know they'll be saying to her do you have any help at home Doris and she'll say yes I do abstract looks after me Shock

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