DS seeing his Dad

[namechangenumber2]

Apologies if there's somewhere else I'm meant to post this, please move if needed!

I'm feeling rubbish about the whole situation. DS (16) hasn't seen his Dad since early feb - he usually goes once a month ( Dads choice when DS started GCSE's) and Dad cancelled two weeks ago. So they rearranged to this weekend.

I'm now worried. DS and I are both asthmatic. His Dad will also be having his other children - so three households in one over the weekend. Ex and his other Ex are both still working. Other children have been at home with their aunt.

I'm anxious about DS getting it, and bringing it home to me. We've been really careful, DH working from home since last week etc. I appreciate that we're lucky to be able to have us all at home.

DS's Dad and I have a fairly fraught relationship, we rarely sing off the same hymn sheet unfortunately. His Dad text this morning to say he'd be picking DS up as planned this Friday. I replied saying I'm not saying no, however id like reassuring that everyone has been social distancing ( so children having been playing out etc) before I'd say yes, due to DS and I being high risk. Ex didn't like this, and we've been arguing ever since.

I feel awful about all this , I'm not a heartless person. It's shit for DS and his Dad, esp if we get to a point that moving is impossible so they don't get to see each other for ages . However I still can't shake the feeling it isn't really safe due to our asthma.

I've looked at yesterday's guidelines and can't decide if I'm being unreasonable.

I've said I don't want to agree now, I'd like to see what the situation is in the next two days. That part we agreed with! However I think if I say no he won't take that lightly.

What would you do?

We let the kids/step kids choose who they wanted to stay with for the next 3 weeks then reassess. None of us are in the vulnerable group but I do not think it is worth the risk as there are 3 houses involved.

In your situation I would not be sending him. You cannot be sure how they are dealing with things in the other household and you are both at risk. As your son doesn't see him that often anyway I don't think it would be that big a change, it really doesn't matter what his Dad thinks because it doesn't sound like he's thinking of his son. Both you and your DS should be self isolating for 12 weeks in your own home,

www.judiciary.uk/announcements/coronavirus-crisis-guidance-on-compliance-with-family-court-child-arrangement-orders/

It says here that just because they are allowed to move between doesn't mean they have to and thinks like health of the child and anyone in either household who is vulnerable should be taken into account when deciding on arrangements.

OMG @blackswan88 , thank you so much for that link, I read it yesterday and have been searching for it again this morning!! You're a life saver

You're right, he isn't thinking about DS. It doesn't help that he's hard to talk to, twists my words a lot and very untrustworthy

Just make the right decision for you and DS, it doesn't matter if he tries to twist it. You DS is old enough to keep in regular contact with his Dad through face time or phone calls without your involvement x

So he's now not responding to messages, neither DS or I know if he's going to turn up or not!!

Ur DS is 16 he's grown up enough to understand and decides what works for him. I know he is a child still, but if he doesnt want to go, he can say no himself, i'd distance myself from his father and let my boy decide. If DS decides he wants to take the risk (after all he is entitled to see his father)... You can isolate from your son and explain to him your concerns.

Please remember this is very stressful time for your child, and seeing you two argue is not good for his mental health. Empower him to make decisions without fueling him against father (im not saying u r doing that, just in general)

I would ordinarily agree with you @Hannah021 - I usually leave DS to organise things with his Dad, but on this occasion - when I've got his Dad admitting he's still working and isn't social distancing ( as it's difficult) then I feel right to step in. His Dad is notorious for thinking nothing ever applies to him, so if he isn't going to protect DS then I'll have to. I can't stop him from coming, but I wasn't going to sit there and say I was comfortable with it.

If DS does go then I intend he'll isolate away from the rest of us, but that'll be hard if DS ends up really Ill with it. I'd just rather not have that risk in the first place