Key worker - haven’t seen kids in 9 days and son being abusive

[lookingatthepast]

I am a key worker (work in a prison ) I am also a single parent dc aged 14,8,7,6 .
My mum is my childcare and she’s 68, had asthma (hasn’t used inhaler in years though) and high blood pressure. All works ok until corona .

Children went to hers last week as I was working and everything was so up in the air . Their school isn’t opening over Easter holidays so if they come back home now I would have to send them back to my mums and she could be infected so they have remained there are not going out and are an isolated unit.

I am working 40 hrs a week coming home to an empty house and have taken (left in porch with no contact) some shopping bits they needed plus children’s school work as provided by school. My mums Mother’s Day cards and presents. And I have also written each of the children a little card with some stickers or match attacks etc inside. I have been calling and speaking to them but thought a letter would be a sweet thing to do .

They will remain there until this is all over. My work are offering bonus payments if we can work extra hours as well as we have hundreds of staff off sick or isolating already

My eldest son knows what’s going on watches the news etc. Knows I am at work knows his nans health conditions. He has his phone PS4 and tablet there. Other children have their tablets too. So not cut off from the outside world totally.

My eldest son has been sending me abusive messages refusing to do any school work set. Telling me to F off. Saying I have dumped and abandoned them and I am a cow. I said he could come home as his school is the only one of my kids opening up over Easter so he wouldn’t need to return for childcare from my mum. I am told to F off he’s not going to school. Thinks he will be out with his mates (glad boris made clear last night that can’t happen ) he says I have done fuck all for him the past week (only earnt money to keep the car on the road and pay the rent etc ) so nothing obviously.

Really made me feel shit. I am doing a job which is the forgotten service as it is. And now I am being called selfish and a shit mum . He’s threatening to smash up my bedroom and destroy my property when he comes home when I said he would have his phone and tv confiscated for being abusive and refusing to go to school

His father and I split 2 years ago and he only bothers when he feels like it. He’s decided he’s self isolating (no health issues at all ) and using that as a reason he can’t look after or see his kids (he’s not a key worker ) last week he said he would continue going to work. Now it’s lockdown and he knows he can’t use that reason he decides he is self isolating until it’s all over.

I just feel like shit right now

Don't have any advice but so sorry you are going through this. Thanks for your hard work in the prison service, as you say it is essential but often forgotten

He has a father. Perhaps he should contact him and ask if he can move in rather than come back? And then, once he gets the inevitable rejection, he might be slightly less of a vicious little shit to you.

Hopefully, he isn't being as foul to your DM.

Pick child up, drop at fathers house. Leave.

Wow - I wish I could give you some advice or something to make it better but I can’t so I will just send some virtual support instead. Your son is an ungrateful little brat - instead of feeling concern for his mum who is putting herself at risk to do a very important job he is feeling hard done by. For what reason? Because he’s stuck in the house? Because he’s having to do school work from home? Welcome to the real world love - this is what every teenager is doing at the moment. Is it fun? No!! Is it necessary? Yes!! So instead of behaving like a toddler he should realise how lucky he is to have a mum who works so hard to keep a roof over his head and food on the table. A grandmother who is in the at risk group but still is willing to keep the children with her long term so that you can work. Where is the hatred towards his loser dad who has just decided to opt out of parenting? I agree with the other person who said just take him there where he can self isolate with his father for a few months since clearly he doesn’t appreciate his mother. See how they get on then. I’m really sorry you are having to deal with this on top of having to work increased hours in a service that’s already drastically understaffed before any of this happened. Just know that the rest of us appreciate how hard everyone is working to keep things running and I hope your son grows up and gets a grip on the real world soon. My 15 year old son is pretty shocked by your sons behaviour so you can tell him that it’s not as though all kids his age are behaving this way!!

First you are doing an important and difficult job op - thank you.

I am sorry your ds is being so obnoxious, is he generally like this towards you? Clearly he is angry/ resentful, probably bored as well, so a toxic combination with teen hormones. Try and stay objective he is saying this to you because you are the parent that hasn't abandoned him.
You are all in a very hard situation and he is acting out. How is he behaving with his grandmother? Is it feasible to dump him at his dad's for a break?

I think also be kind to yourself, he is safe, warm and being looked after, no matter how he feels about the situation, or how he thinks he feels about you so give his opinion some perspective don't be emotional in response. Let his words fall flat, one day he will be embarrassed by his behaviour.

Thanks all. Yes I did think that. His father can socially isolate with him. He rents a room from the guy who lives next door to his parents. Me ex father in law has copd and has had pneumonia twice so I get they are probably keeping themselves to themselves but my ex does not need to self isolate and I bet you he’s still popping to his parents for dinner and to see them. I have thought about doing exactly that.

I messaged his father last night saying I am back doing 6 days from today and things may deteriorate at work when they stop visits and how our son is behaving and he just said there isn’t a lot I can do. I am now self isolating and as you know he can’t come here (he never has the children stay overnight as he says there’s no room and his parents wouldn’t be able to cope with them staying overnight there !)

Sorry just needing to vent more than anything

At his nans he’s saying he’s bored. He’s picking on the younger children at time’s. She’s trying her best to stamp down but it’s hard and they are ignoring her to a large degree. She’s spoken to him about how he’s treating me and what he’s been saying telling him it’s not on and he’s simply saying so what. I don’t care. I don’t care about school etc etc

He’s had his outbursts at me before but never like this for this length of time.

Sorry you have to go through this on top of an already stressful job and being a lone parent.
Do you think some of his outbursts are because he's worried about the virus? Or the fact that you are being exposed to the virus and he would rather you were at home at less risk?

Yes , suggest he goes to his dads
Fuck this shit , he clearly isn’t mature enough to understand the gravity
OP I’m so sorry , I’m also a LP but have the luxury of WFH
Ps
Schools
Means to be open over Easter
My 12 year old son is also pretty challenging

Once your ex's 14 days are up, drop your eldest off and drive off.

The alternative is letting him be picked up by the police when he decides to go out. Which might be a useful learning experience for him in the long run.

And get a lock for your door. Just to make sure he doesn't come back and trash your stuff.

Or give him the option, rein his behaviour in, or school!

I think 14 is a prime age for being a knob, never mind with everything going on.

Would his father Skype him and have a talk about not being such a dick given the state of the world right now? It’ll probably piss your ds off (he’s got the right to be from the sounds of it) but in that weird teenage brain it might make him feel more secure.