I am coping with things very badly

[newwnamme]

Name changed.

I am not a person who talks much about mental health. I am usually of the 'get on with it' school of thought. But we are a few days in to this and I am seriously questioning whether I am coping.

There are times in the days I can't hold back the tears. The platitudes that so many people are throwing around do absolutely nothing to help - whilst I can acknowledge the ways in which things could be going worse for me, the knowledge that someone else is suffering in a way that I am not is not doing anything at all to make me feel better. I have so much I should be doing - supposed to be homeworking from tomorrow, and am in no way prepared. My 2 toddlers are watching TV basically around the clock. My patience with them is at an all time low. The thought of the short term fills me with panic - I do not deal well with even a weekend at home with nothing much to do. The medium term makes me want to curl up and weep. Various non-sensationalist things I've read suggest we could be looking at a second round of this come autumn and the idea of all this but with dark days, cold, rain and a socially distant Christmas just - I truly don't know if I can cope. I feel like the government is being very manipulative with the information they are releasing. They haven't said as much, because they know what the reaction would be, but if you read the advice they have received on which decisions to date have been based, it is coming. Then there is the long term. I will most likely not have a job to go back to when this is over and my industry will be in tatters. I feel like this, on top of Brexit and the 2008 crash has ruined things financially for my generation. Things are never going to properly recover on that front. I will never have the security my parents have, or be able to provide it for my children the way they have for me.

I can see nothing positive, nothing good. I am struggling to be motivated to even do basic chores around the house. I could happily not eat at all but have decided I must force myself as I am still breastfeeding my toddler and none of this is his fault. All this just swirls around in my head all day. Genuinely, I feel like everything I have said here is a proportionate response to the way that life has been ripped away from us and shrunk down to the basic essentials of existing.

Is everyone feeling this way? Is this the default new way to feel? I want to and need to (for the sake of poor DH and children) find a way to summon up some positivity but there is just none to be found. I just need to know if this is the new normal now, or if I should consider seeking out some kind of mental health assistance.

I don't have much useful to say but didn't want to leave you hanging. These are very weird times with loads of uncertainty - no-one knows what's going to happen, so it's pointless thinking more than a week or two ahead. If your children get too much screen time but it saves your sanity right now, that's fine. Can you talk to your DH about how you feel?

Admitting how upset and stressed you are is the right thing to do. We all have times when our lives feel like they are falling apart, but in this case stress is surrounding us and it's harder to find stability. Keep being honest, but look for stability wherever you see it. Examples:
When you BF your toddler try to stop and enjoy the moment.
TV for kids at this point in time is fine, some CBBC programmes are educational.
Put Joe Wicks PE on in the morning, that's PE covered.
When working allow yourself time to connect with adults and know you will have normality in the future.

I'm SI with 2 very different DC in terms of age and interests. Honestly I would never choose to homeschool or work from home, this will end!

You're really brave for sharing your thoughts, that shows such strength.

It's okay to struggle - it doesn't mean that you can't cope, it means that things are pretty bloody overwhelming right now. Anyone would feel the same.

Please rant away if it helps, it sucks and it's tough. You're doing better than you think you are

I also feel nothing but despair which then makes me feel like a selfish cow because it's not all about me obviously.
I'm a lone parent living in a flat (no garden except a tiny communal bit that we also have to go though a communal area to get to, so not ideal!) with ds(8) and we've been in for 4 days now. I feel like I'm cracking up and I feel desperately sad for ds. I keep crying in the bathroom so I don't worry him even more.
I took some rubbish to the bins earlier and he came with me just to get 2 minutes of outside air. It keeps hitting me that this is his life now.

We'll need to venture out for good in a few days and I'm dreading it. Do I take him with me? do I leave him home alone? Even at my quickest I'll be over an hour because I don't have a car and I'll need to walk.

I think there will be a spate of suicides in the near future.

I feel like I put on a very brave face during the day for my kids and then crumble a bit at night. It is pretty exhausting especially with trying to deal with the kids and work and there is no down time in sight and nothing in the near future to look forward to.

It is ok to admit that it is hard and yes sooo many people have it harder (people losing their jobs, front line NHS staff and other key workers etc).

It is just all shit and it is ok to feel like it is.

Look after yourself OP.

I have great MH, but the first week of isolation was pure hell - just as you describe ( I am in the second week) I caught myself really panicking, feeling down, I couldn't eat barely anything (weight loss is great) and I couldn't sleep very well. It is the shock of having to adjust to such a difficult situation so quickly, and in addition fear for you and your family. It is normal, completely normal to have these feelings. Lots of people feel just the same as you. It is okay.

Readjust your expectations, this is an extraordinary time, so the old rules no longer apply. If the children watch TV at all day, well so what, they will be fine. Allow yourself the space to process this, which is probably all you need to come back around. Spend time outside as much as possible, listen to music that makes you happy and takes you to another place, talk to others about your feelings.

In my case my body burnt itself out of worry, and a new acceptance of the current situation took hold. Since that happened I feel so much better. We are home, we are safe, we are well. If we stay here at home we will remain well and healthy. It is not forever, no one is suggesting this is going to go on for months and months, it will have lulls and in that time your life will become much better.

Trust me everyone everywhere is working on antidotes, and many of these are having great results. This is NOT a permanent problem, some hero will crack it, along with the vaccine, and this will be over.

Hold your children close, read and sing to them quietly, focus on their needs for one hour in the morning and one hour in the afternoon, if thats all you can do. As long as they are well fed, and safe then allow yourself time to get to grips with this. If you are still feeling this bad next week, ring the doctor and he can give you something to help calm your nerves whilst this is happening.

Warm baths, try to eat small meals and forget about being strong, be honest - this is shit but it will pass.

OP, I feel the same as you, word for word, only my children are 16 and 18 and should be doing GCSE and A level respectively in May.

I have no job and no income now.

I have suffered previously from MH problems and anorexia (I can't eat when I'm miserable - I don't want to be thin, it's just that my throat sort of closes up), so eating will the the first thing to go for me.

It is, quite simply, shit.

it's awful my dh and I have no income either now, our industry is finished. Kids really struggling as i have huge gap between them and they have nobody rheir own age to play with/relate to. This will sound cheesy but I'm trying to accept what has happened, and just live day by day. Trying not to project in to the future atall and basically just be mindful. If I think too far again I feel like I will break down..

I would definitely speak to someone. Things are shit and I commend you for seeking an outside perspective but your response does seem disproportionate to me. It was this that stood out

feel like everything I have said here is a proportionate response to the way that life has been ripped away from us and shrunk down to the basic essentials of existing.

You currently have a home, two kids, food in the cupboards (I presume?), are able to go out for walks alone as long as you distance from others, a spouse to share the burden. That’s not really the bare essentials of existing imo. Thats an awful lot of stuff many people would kill for. You can still socialise: we live in an age where thankfully we can keep in touch with our loved ones remotely, you live in a place where if you do get sick there are trained medics who will do their best to save you. This won’t last forever and we’re all in it together.

What exactly is it that’s getting to you the most? Fear you’ll get it and be in danger? Fear of the financial impact once it’s over? Loneliness? The lack of control? Worry about keeping the kids occupied? I think if you can identify exactly what the worry is that might help.

I feel the same except I have to plan for the future as it’s the way I keep calm. I’m glad my DS is too young to realise I cry so much at the moment.

And please don’t worry you won’t be able to provide financial security to your currently tiny kids. A lot WILL change by the time they’re grown. And even if you can’t, so what? It’s quite an unusual and privileged position to be able to get a leg up from family in life and most people do just fine without it. You won’t be letting them down if you can’t manage to financially support them as adults. Hope I don’t sound harsh, I truly feel for you and I can tell you’re really suffering, I’m so glad you posted. But I do think your response is quite extreme and think it’d help to speak to someone.

I felt exactly the same. This week I feel slightly better. This won't be a problem forever and we will get over it. Try and take each day. What helps me is thinking this time next year things will be different. X

I think having young children is making parents feel much more vulnerable than most other people. Just take practical steps and try to put things in perspective.

Admitting how upset and stressed you are is the right thing to do.

Indeed!

FWIW, I'm a mother, daughter, sister, friend, boss and subordinate. And there hasn't been a day in the last two weeks when I haven't been sobbing like a child in any of these functions.

There is, literally, noone in my life (myself included) who's okay right now.

I think the best we can donis accept that life sucks balls for everyone at present, do the best we can and be sympathetic to the fact that it sucks for everyone else, too!

Look, it's a crap situation. Let's keep on going forward, as there is no alternative.

Chin up!!!

OP I get it. My 3 year old and 2 year are having way too much screen time and crap food. I felt so down yesterday but actually a little better today. Try and set attainable goals.

Also I'm limiting the news/social media

Video calls help as well

A lot of what you've described seems like normal reactions to very abnormal events.

Maybe instead of trying to force positivity on yourself you could try allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel and see if those feelings burn out. I tend to find that if I allow myself to express/vent/acknowledge (whether to myself, a journal, or someone else) how shit things are in a given situation it frees up space for positive feelings to arrive naturally, as opposed to trying to force them over the top of my painful, negative feelings.

Your body can only sustain very high distress / panic for limited periods of time, so you should experience at least slight lulls in between the worst peaks of it. Remind yourself of that when things are bad.

You don't have to be feeling suicidal to call Samaritans if you just want to be able to talk to someone about how you're feeling without being told what to do or judged. 116 123

the knowledge that someone else is suffering in a way that I am not is not doing anything at all to make me feel better

Also, I've never found this helpful so it doesn't really surprise me it's not working for you. Once you get into hierarchies of suffering you're basically saying only one living human being at any time is allowed to be distressed about anything. Which is patently ridiculous.

And if you're already feeling bleak about life/the world then repeatedly reminding yourself how much suffering other people are experiencing is unlikely to help you feel anything positive.

It's about how your experiences are affecting you, and what you need to help you manage.

I’m not trying to do the ‘others have it worse!’ btw, as I agree that’s just not helpful. More trying to explore if there any strengths in your situation you’re overlooking due to how upset and panicked you currently are.

Have you considered leaving coronavirus related boards/discussions etc and just keeping up to date with the speeches made by BJ as and when they happen? Try to live your life as normally as you can at home, without frequently stoking your own anxiety levels over stories of things you can’t change?

Here’s a self help guide that you may find useful too:

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Humans don’t deal with uncertainty well and currently we’re all trying to cope with a boat load of it every day! I hope you can reach a point where you can accept things are shit while also allowing yourself not to worry about things too excessively or torture yourself by going over it mentally again and again. Worry is generally unhelpful, you’re either worrying about stuff you can’t change so it’s pointless, or you’re worrying about stuff you can change... so use that energy to change it 💛

You are right - the government have been manipulative in their messages and careless in their handling of this. They don’t care about our small lives or our mental health. Your reaction Is valid she proportionate and I feel exactly the same . One positive thing is that it might change the sat we live In such a way they we have a small chance to help our planet to recover - the reduction in emissions has already been significant and viable from space- maybe we will
Learn from this and pass on a better planet to our childrens’ generation than we otherwise would have. This is what I hope.

I think everyone has days when they feel overwhelmed, probably especially parents when they consider their children’s futures and the urge to provide.
We’ve been thrown into this situation against our will and the adjustment is tough, don’t feel bad for struggling.
I always knew I didn’t want to be a teacher and now I’m teaching three different year groups! We’ve had to close our business and it will take time to recover, some of our customers businesses may not survive. Plus being stressed about the social and health effects on the children of staying in so much, of trying to feed your family while supermarkets are bare, of kids constantly snacking even though they’ve seen the shop shelves are bare! Of having to deal with it all! (I’m a single parent and my ex is a key worker so may not be able to take them).
It is tough! It is overwhelming! That’s a normal response.
But we have to keep going. Our kids need us.
At the moment I’m mainly focusing on the present day and planning for the next day to try and keep positivity up. Only loosely thinking about the coming weeks. I want my kids to remember this time in the best way possible, not as a time of fear but spending more time together and laughing.
I hope you can confide in your husband and share your stresses and help each other through it.

Thank you. It helps somewhat to hear that most of you don't think anything I feel is unreasonable.

You currently have a home, two kids, food in the cupboards (I presume?), are able to go out for walks alone as long as you distance from others, a spouse to share the burden. That’s not really the bare essentials of existing imo. Thats an awful lot of stuff many people would kill for. You can still socialise: we live in an age where thankfully we can keep in touch with our loved ones remotely, you live in a place where if you do get sick there are trained medics who will do their best to save you. This won’t last forever and we’re all in it together.

It doesn't help. Everything you said is 100% true but it just doesn't help. I am able to hold more than one thought simultaneously in my head. I can remember the above and also retain an awareness of everything that is lost, gone, restricted, no longer safe, stressful to the point of unmanageable, boring to the point of tedium, worrisome, etc etc etc etc. One does not cancel out the other. It puzzles me greatly that for some people, this actually seems to be the case.

What helps me is thinking this time next year things will be different.

Most unfortunately, that is very far from guaranteed. I think if there was an end point, or even an end game, I would find this more manageable. The government have not been clear about timescales. It is going to be longer than everyone is thinking.

What exactly is it that’s getting to you the most? Fear you’ll get it and be in danger? Fear of the financial impact once it’s over? Loneliness? The lack of control? Worry about keeping the kids occupied? I think if you can identify exactly what the worry is that might help.

All of the above. Lack of control is the worst. There is now barely a single decision I get to make about my own existence. Compare that to life as we knew it. This is what I meant about how things have shrunk down to the essentials of existence. I am so sad for my children. They are too young to understand why our life is now these four walls. I'm not patient enough with them at the best of times. They deserve a better mother than me.

Listen to music that makes you happy

This sounds pathetic, but music just makes me cry. There is nothing cheerful about hearing a song that was once associated with a happy time.

I feel like I put on a very brave face during the day for my kids and then crumble a bit at night. It is pretty exhausting especially with trying to deal with the kids and work and there is no down time in sight and nothing in the near future to look forward to

I wish I was managing the brave face during the day. It is exactly this, there is nothing to look forward to now.

@RoryGillmoresEvilTwin that sounds so tough. I don't know how you are to be expected to cope with this. I completely agree about the suicides. I think a point will come when, for some, what is left of life is no longer worth living.

Snap. I have really struggled on many levels over the last week or so.

One thing I can really recommend is reading aloud to your children. Pick a decent chapter book and hopefully you can get some enjoyment as well as them. Get them comfy and read for as long as you can.
It’s hard to think about much else when you’re reading aloud and the break from worrying will give your mind a rest.

You are coping with things as best you can. This is shit.

I think it depends how long you've been feeling like this and deep down you know the answer.

I have a history of anxiety and right now there's no way I'd come off my medication. I'm trying to balance homeworking, homeschooling, and running a bloody house in a pandemic with possible lockdown looming. If you feel you were already stressed before this and this has topped you over the edge then get help.

If you were find before this but it's just coronavirus getting to you then realise you can only control certain things, limit your energy to what you can control and then realise that any more worry is just a waste of energy. Think about what you can do to keep you sane, reading, hot baths, painting nails, creative writing, jigsaws, gardening, singing loudly in the kitchen to 80s soft rock, find your coping mechanism.

Everyone is feeling uncertain and anxious. Don't be hard on yourself. My eldest watched far too much TV as a toddler, endless Thomas the tank engine, because her little brother was born and was very hard work, turns out he has autism. She's a lovely 11 year old now, I couldn't ask for a nicer child.

One thing I've noticed is that despite what our government do, a lot of people in my community seem to want to reach out and help others, most people are decent, don't lose faith in humanity.

@newwnamme

I could have written this almost word for word. I've just come upstairs to cry after DH moaned about the house being a mess. I saw a couple of friends early last week (before more extreme measures were announced) and my oldest went to nursery on Friday so it's only been a few days, and I've even gone to the shop in that time and had a little walk each day.

I just feel so overwhelmed with it all, and the fact that we don't know when this will end. Like you said, it just feels like existing. I have nothing to look forward to, I barely see the point in waking up. I feel i have no purpose. And like you I have 2 very small children, so then I feel guilty that I feel like this and that I'm clearly a shit mother for feeling that way. The thought of being my DS's only playmate for the next 12 weeks makes me terrified and so sad.

And I've never had mental health issues before. So if I'm feeling like this I hate to think how others are feeling.