If I don't visit my terminally ill housebound mother she will starve

[OldQueen1969]

Okay, overly dramatic sounding title, but utterly factual.

Moving in with her is not yet appropriate nor a real option due to space limitations.

Her food intake is minimal anyway due to loss of tastebuds after chemo, so finding things to keep her somewhat nourished is a daily priority.

Before the current shitstorm, noises were made about carers on a palliative plan when the time was right, but the idea of this or even a hospice space feels like a pipe dream.

She now has a drain that District Nurses are coming in to sort out every few days (no mask wearing so far either) and I and my son are tag teaming errands to pharmacies, GPs etc. I am wearing a mask and gloves routinely. I have to go inside her flat to help her with day to day tasks that she can no longer manage. Other than swift shopping trips to the local Tesco Express which is virtually empty of shoppers, and heading the same way with stock, I am not going anywhere else nor socialising with anyone other than my DP and other members of the household. We are all taking appropriate precautions and we have no symptoms.

AIBU to think that as long as I exercise the utmost caution I should keep doing what I'm doing - it means no extra demands on HCPs until absolutely necessary and also I know exactly the level of risk and can act appropriately.

She has said if she gets it, well, she's going to die anyway, but of course her death isn't going to be easy as it is, and an added serving of CV19 would be even worse.

I really don't know if there is any other option. I rather think not.

Moving in with her is not yet appropriate nor a real option due to space limitations.

Why is this not an option?

You are doing the right thing and anyone on here who says otherwise is heartless. Keep up the good work.

It sounds like you're doing everything right. There will be lots of elderly people who can't fully self isolate because they need care. And it sounds like you're taking all the precautions that you can. Best wishes to you and you're family at this difficult time

Of course you are doing the right thing!

Here is the guidelines for shielding. You may find it help

www.gov.uk/government/publications/guidance-on-shielding-and-protecting-extremely-vulnerable-persons-from-covid-19/guidance-on-shielding-and-protecting-extremely-vulnerable-persons-from-covid-19

Thank you for the reassurances.

Moving in is not an option due to lack of space - ie we will be on top of each other all the time, rather than just interacting for an hour at a time every day, and even if I did sleep in her front room, I'm still going to have to go out and mingle with gen pop. When she becomes bedbound, we will re-visit the options if hospice space is not available. Hope that makes it clearer @PertEllaTitsahoy

If there are essential tasks which your mother is incapable of doing herself, I think it is reasonable for you to go in. If it's housework type chores, you could make sure you mother is in a different room from you while you do them. Obviously, I appreciate that's impossible if you are helping her with personal care tasks such as going to the toilet. Sorry that you are facing such a difficult situation.

This is such a difficult and awful situation.

Other than swift shopping trips to the local Tesco Express which is virtually empty of shoppers, and heading the same way with stock, I am not going anywhere else nor socialising with anyone other than my DP and other members of the household.

Can you get online deliveries instead? Remember the virus can live for a while on things like trolley handles, self scan machines, tills, card machines etc. It could also be on the wrappers of anything you buy.

What about your DP and other household members? Are they completely isolating at home as well?

Is the alternative a HCP? If so, your precautions (as long as your household is not socialising) are probably better because you just have the one person you are visiting.

Of course you have to call, you just do all you can hygiene wise. You've to balance the risk of visiting with the risk of not.

I am sorry for your situation. Yes I think you are doing the right thing. People still need to have care and as long as you continue to be ultra cautious, I fail to see what else you could do. If you were not doing this then you would soon be needing a carer to do it which may be more risky in terms of trying to social distance.

@Selfsettling3

Many thanks for that extremely helpful link :) x

I am grateful (and yes as hard as that sounds I am) that my DM is no longer alive as managing her terminal illness, symptoms, carers and everything else would have been extremely difficult in this unprecedented situation.

OP do your best for everyone but don't beat yourself up for having to 'break' self isolating guidelines because it's about managing risk as well as still providing care for your DM. for you as this is such a hard time emotionally without the CV on top

Sorry when I said self isolating I meant social distancing.

It sounds like you've given it a lot of thought, and you've reached the same conclusion I might too. The only comment I would make is please don't make decisions about asking for pain relief, sedation or other care and support on the basis of "I don't want to burden the system" . None of the HCPs involved in your mum's care would see it that way.

I'm sorry you're all in such a shit situation.

I think I'm the safest option from a consistency point of view - she gets a different District Nurse every time, and it would likely be the same with carers, and I know exactly where I've been and am monitoring myself like a hawk for symptoms.

I shall keep going like this until something changes I guess - adapt and survive :)

Online deliveries are tricky as what she can stomach changes on a day to day basis due to the impact on her tastebuds and the way that her digestive system is impacted. Ordering a small pork pie and a jar of pickled gherkins one day, then one potato and the smallest packet of ham available seems a bit weird. We're trying to keep wastage to a minimum and a delivery may not be guaranteed either.....

It truly is quite a conundrum - but we'll take it day by day and hope for the best :)

Again, thanks for the responses and positive thoughts - much appreciated.

It definately sounds like your are doing the best you can in a rotten situation and I really dont think there anything else you can do about it.
I would just say, you need to make sure your DS is also taking the same stringent measures to self isolate, and also be very careful with your DP, as no matter how well you self isolate, if he brings it home, and you catch it from him, all your self isolation won't help.

@user1353245678533567

Thank you - yes - she is in regular phone contact with her Macmillan nurse and the GP when necessary. They have been good with getting antibiotics very quickly as fluid retention has lead to likely cellulitis on one foot. We are waiting for a new prescription for more pain meds and different types at the moment. There may be an issue with drainage bottles - special sterile vacuum things - because none of the four departments dealing with her new drain tap were entirely sure who was responsible for providing them and the onus was on us to chase it all up. But fingers crossed we have that sorted now as long as the supply chain is in order.

Welcome to the brave new world eh?

Contact your local healthwatch. They have services and information about organisations within your area who can assist with picking up prescriptions, food shopping etc.
Also contact your local carers organisation, they will sign post you to additional services

Honestly, if your Mum was living with you, you would still need to get food and medication.
Her living with you or not makes little difference to the number of people you will come across. Carry on doing what you are doing. You are one of the cases where flexing of the guidelines needs to happen.
My family need to stay at home as much as possible, and totally isolate at any symptoms precisely to protect your family.
Hope you all stay healthy

@KittenVsBox - thank you much x All the best to you and yours.

@independent98 - thank you - yes, will be looking at all appropriate options as time goes on.

This is one of the saddest things I have read on here.

Poor you and your poor mum.

I think if I were you, I would carry on regardless. I would imagine that loneliness is more of threat to your mum at this time than the virus.

I think if I were you, I would carry on regardless. I would imagine that loneliness is more of threat to your mum at this time than the virus.

This is so true. As good as the MacMillan nurses are, it's not the same as her having you with her. You're obviously mindful of the risks involved and they can be managed, as per the helpful link.

To encourage you, my DD2 and I have both had what was probably COVID-19, she passed it on to me. My DH has been careful and hasn't caught it (thankfully as he has asthma).

For you and your Mum, particularly on Mother's Day.