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Original poster

Is this ok or should I stop (visiting elderly parents)

25 replies

Pettyargument · 22/03/2020 06:55

First off I’m in NZ and we’re a few weeks behind you on this horrible journey. I just want to know if you think I’m taking enough precautions around visiting elderly parents. They are self-isolating, I’m taking them shopping and meds weekly and we are sitting outside at opposite ends of the large outside table and having a cup of tea. I bring my own thermos and I wear disposable gloves and do not go anywhere within about 2-3 metres of them. I’m extremely paranoid that I shouldn’t be doing this as they are vulnerable - do you think my precautions make it ok?

OP posts:
puds11 · 22/03/2020 06:56

I think that’s ok. If it starts to get really bad there then stop doing but I’d carry on for now.

Sparklfairy · 22/03/2020 07:00

Whilst you sound like you're being very careful, in the nicest possible way the only way you'll know for sure whether it is 'ok' is whether they end up getting it or not Confused

I don't mean to sound harsh, but knowing what I now know (as you're a few weeks behind), I really wouldn't be visiting at all in order to be 100% sure there was no risk of me passing it to them.

chantico · 22/03/2020 07:05

Make sure now that their IT is in good order, so you can Skype/FaceTime them, and they can access services online

You can continue to shop for them, but the point will come when it is better for you to leave it outdoors.

Work out how they will get their shopping etc should anything happen to you. And start distancing yourself socially in the hope you can stay well.

MrsNoah2020 · 22/03/2020 07:09

None of us can tell you, because it all depends on the chances of you being infected, which depend on how much Covid is in the community at the moment. Is the NZ government testing for it?

Original poster
Pettyargument · 22/03/2020 07:12

The government is now doing more testing 1500 people a day I think. It’s considered very low risk where I am currently but I think you’re right I’m going to have to tell them I can’t sit with them anymore ☹️

OP posts:
sofato5miles · 22/03/2020 07:14

To stop following the UK's trajectory then adopting swlf diatancing strictly and early will help enormously. If you categorically know it is not in community then you are fine. But no one knows that irritatingly

whatswithtodaytoday · 22/03/2020 07:15

I would focus on getting them set up for self-isolation. Get their IT up to date, make sure they know how to facetime and order shopping online, maybe get some delivery slots booked, get them to think about anything they'll need (my mum went out for bird food!).

Charlieiscool · 22/03/2020 07:18

Explain the issue to them and let them decide. My mother is 85 and would die faster from isolation than she would from the virus and prefers me to pop in every day and sit with her a while. No hugging etc but she doesn’t want to be treated like a leper.

AmelieTaylor · 22/03/2020 07:25

@Pettyargument. My mum is in NZ. I Facetimed her last night. It’s killing me not to be with her to be able to help her out right now. She’s having to go & get her own shopping, & isn’t buying enough. She can’t get any hand gel or Dettol wipes, so she can’t even keep her hands/trolleys clean while out. My brother & SIL are fucking hopeless.

If I was there I’d be doing what you’re doing. You’re being Uber careful. & her mental health is important too.

My mum lives in a Retirement village & they still haven’t stopped the classes or eating in the dining room 🙄🙄 my mum went Tuesday but she said it didn’t feel safe - people sitting far too close and she was concerned about two sitting next to her coughing (probably just a normal cough, but I’m not encouraging that thinking) she has a lovely bungalow, so no need to go there, so she’s not going to anymore. They can order meals delivered to their house/apartment so there’s no need for anyone to go to the dining room except to socialise.

If you have any NZ advice or suggestions re hand gel or help available or anything I’d be grateful.

AmelieTaylor · 22/03/2020 07:30

@Charlieiscool

No hugging etc but she doesn’t want to be treated like a leper.

I think a lot of older people feel like this. Can you not explain that it’s YOU that’s the danger to her, not her to you. We are trying to protect older people, not punish them

I’m not able to see my 90 yo Aunt other than through the window when I drop stuff off, it’s horrible (we are in the UK). I expect my cousins have travelled to see her today, with their kids 😖but I will not be the one to pass anything on to her.

Hannah021 · 22/03/2020 07:34

You should only listen to local advise.

I probably would do just what u r doing. Elderly people can easily feel lonely and isolated, i wonder what mental health issues this isolation will cause

loobyloo1234 · 22/03/2020 07:37

My mother is 85 and would die faster from isolation than she would from the virus

That’s exactly why people are struggling with this. It’s so sad. I totally understand the need to protect and isolate the vulnerable. But I really do fear how high the number of deaths that will be caused from being alone, being hungry, being scared and so on. Utterly helpless situation

Charlieiscool · 22/03/2020 07:39

amelie yes I explained all about the risk of me passing it to her. She was adamant that she’d die of loneliness sooner.

Original poster
Pettyargument · 22/03/2020 08:08

AmelieTaylor at the moment I can’t find hand sanitiser anywhere unfortunately, if she’s in a retirement village why aren’t they shopping for her? I’d be pretty pissed off if my brother was around but wasn’t helping - where in NZ is she?

OP posts:
Vicbarbarkley · 22/03/2020 08:17

My mam died a few weeks ago, leaving my 84 year old father very isolated.
He has never touched a computer, could not learn to, and relies on his house phone for talking to people.
I visit once a week, bring him food and have a chat. We sit at opposite ends of the room, I am as careful as i possibly can be, blowing him a kiss when I leave, but he has tld me quite bluntly that he has to die of something and he'd rather take this risk than shrivelling up with loneliness and depression.
I agree with him tbh.

Original poster
Pettyargument · 22/03/2020 08:20

Vicbarbarkly I totally get it, there is such a fine line we are walking right now to try to minimise the damage to people not only physically but emotionally as well (and financially too of course but that’s a different issue)

OP posts:
Hannah021 · 22/03/2020 10:03

@Vicbarbarkley, awh that really touched my heart :'( the poor soul, he must look forward to seeing you

DomsInDaBunglaow · 22/03/2020 10:07

I'm seeing my mum every other day, she's 73 and in good health. I get her newspapers and any food she needs. I take it to her and sit 10 foot away and chat for 5-10 mins. she then gets the bleach out after I've gone. I will need to get her medication to her next week.
Should I not be visiting now?

DomsInDaBunglaow · 22/03/2020 10:09

@Vicbarbarkley Flowers that breaks my heart. Sorry for your loss

Vicbarbarkley · 22/03/2020 10:15

Thank you! This being MN, i was expecting to have my arse handed to me😁
It IS a fine line, but I just hope common sense prevails.

Take care all.

Strictly1972 · 22/03/2020 10:35

I’ve been looking for a thread like this. My MIL is in her 80s. V active but lives alone. At the mo my DH is popping in on his own as she said if she can’t see people she might as well not be here. My concern is when lockdown arrives what would be best. She would really struggle on her own from a mental well-being point of view. We have 2 children & could accommodate her at a squash but if one of us gets it then it will be hard to completely self isolate. I’ve told my DH he needs to have a firm chat with his brothers & her and decide a plan. If we are on lockdown we presumably won’t be able to see each other people so will be lowish risk. I guess it’s weighing up which risk she/we are willing to take. Both my BIL work in essential services, one in hospital & one as a utility engineer in & out of people houses so although they have more space at home, they are probably higher risk than us.

Strictly1972 · 22/03/2020 10:38

No harsh comments please. The more I’m thinking about it I’m wondering if she would be best to stay at home. I just don’t know. X

Hannah021 · 22/03/2020 12:39

@Strictly1972, what i know for sure is, if i feel that i'd rather be gone than isolated, then thats a breaking point. I wouldnt leave my grandparents alone if i can accommodate for them let alone my parents, even in a tight space. If she's happy to accept the risk, it is her life. The brothers need to get together and remember she's their mum.

Vicbarbarkley · 22/03/2020 14:52

@Pettyargument
It is very difficult. I would have had my dad here for the duration, but he cannot do stairs and we dont have a downstairs bathroom, could make him a bedroom, but not a shower/bathroom.
I would never have contemplated having him here long term under normal circumstances, but certainly would have had him here for a few months.

Would have given him company and security and saved me a four hour round journey every week!

If I could, I would. BUT, only short(ish) term.

Vicbarbarkley · 22/03/2020 14:54

@Pettyargument Aghhhhh, sorry, not meant for you. No idea how I did that!

@Strictly1972 it was for you..........

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