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Original poster

Co-parenting during the coronavirus

15 replies

TheItalianFreeFromer · 20/03/2020 18:05

Hi, during so much uncertainty and so much ambiguity, with prospects of months ahead in similar 'lockdown' situations, what are the guidelines on anyone co-parenting?

I have a 4y/o girl who sees her dad every other weekend for an overnight stay. He lives an hour away and comes to pick her up by car. There are other members of his family in the household and they have immediate family visiting when my DD is around there.

How do the new gov regulations apply to the contact he has with DD?
I am lost between trying not to disrupt his contact, but also keeping everyone (including myself and my own household) safe.

Any thoughts welcome please especially as we move into a stricter near future.
Thank you

OP posts:
Hohohole · 21/03/2020 11:54

I'm also wondering this. We spilt care 50/50. Even in lock down could she go to her dad? She'd be so sad.

Original poster
TheItalianFreeFromer · 22/03/2020 00:48

If there is anyone with any official advice please let us know.
It's becoming more urgent by the day, and my DD has just come back from her dads having had other members of the family visit over at their home.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheItalianFreeFromer · 22/03/2020 00:49

By the way, I have read that Spain and Italy have published a statement that says in the event of a lockdown, noone will be able to leave their house. And this will mean that contact will need to happen via phone calls or other none-F2F means.

OP posts:
Hohohole · 22/03/2020 04:46

I'd keep her with you if that is the case.
She should be with you for nearly two week now? It would be very unlucky for lockdown to happen on his contact day. I'd say my DD will be staying with me for the foreseeable. Every cloud.

Original poster
TheItalianFreeFromer · 23/03/2020 11:36

Yes, she is now only due to go back on the 4th, but then again for the Easter holidays...
I'm not sure it will be as easy as keeping her with me.
Ideally we need to gov to set out some guidelines for our situations...

OP posts:
IamEarthymama · 23/03/2020 12:27

Can I bump this for some more ideas please?
A family member is wondering how best to address this issue as she currently gets on well with her ex, they have been apart for 2 years and her daughters are happy with the routine.

Anyone else trying to work their way through these unprecedented issues?

By the way I agree some guidance would be appreciated
I can't believe that there aren't contingency plans.

Girls01 · 23/03/2020 12:43

Also looking for advice here, I don’t want to stop my DDs dad and family from seeing her but they aren’t the most hygienic and have just come back from abroad.

vickielisabeth · 23/03/2020 12:54

There is guidance on the cafcass website

Ginntoniconpause · 23/03/2020 12:55

Also following! I posted my own thread about this but no one commented. I'm the step mum in this situation and also pregnant so keen to know what to do... I cant find any UK info!

Lovemusic33 · 23/03/2020 12:57

Wrote a similar thread a few days ago, DD’s were due to see their dad last weekend but decided against it as he’s still working (not a key worker) and has nowhere to take them other than families houses. Luckily he’s a shit dad and doesn’t seem bothered at all about not seeing them for 12 weeks so there’s no argument about them staying with me full time.

Original poster
TheItalianFreeFromer · 24/03/2020 11:25

I've just seen the message from Michael Gove. More confusion!!
Hopefully they'll U-turn back again in the next few days, to prevent children from moving around households.

Like a few of you have said, it's not about wanting to disrupt, it's simply about avoiding the spread of the virus.
Who knows if anyone if the household has symptoms? Or if the dad and his family are adhering to lockdown measures? Or if no one is visiting? It still puts my DD, myself and my household exposed and at risk. And that's simply not worth it.

Thoughts on the Gove statement?

OP posts:
fromonemumtoanother · 24/03/2020 16:29

Hi all,
I’m new to mumsnet this is my first post and looking for some advice, I know many of us are doing the same and before I get started, I wish all of us the very best with the trying times ahead for so many families 🧡

My partner is at his whits end and some advice from others would be a real help- I hope you don’t mind as I’m desperate to support him (from our separate homes😓)

My partner shares care 50/50 of his 6 & 12yrs DD’s with his ex wife.
My partners mum has MS and COPD, also I’m self isolating at home (my partner and I live separately) with my 16 year old DD to stay safe as she is in the high risk group as a stem cell transplant recipient.
Even before corona my partners had ongoing concerns about how well looked after his girls are as they often unclean when he picks them up from their mum.
The week before lockdown my partner and his ex had a conversation about the importance(especially now!) of keeping the kids clean, with great emphasis on the risk for his mum.
It came to Friday just gone and when he picked them up from his ex wife the youngest had a very dirty face, and was wearing a onesie which his ex wife then told him “she has been in that for 3 days” I shall not go into details about the state of the poor kids
Underwear that she had on but I’d assume that by the look of them she’d been wearing them for 3 days too.
As you can imagine he is shocked, disgusted and very upset.
When he got home he messaged her telling her this is neglectful and unacceptable and her response was “your opinion on my parenting is not welcome”
What the hell?????
As a mum I’m lost as to how she can take this standpoint given the level of care given??
Then lockdown happened, on his watch. Their normal routine means he is to return them on Wednesday midday.
So here I’m getting to my point/ need of advice on yes, as a country we are in lockdown however albeit to and fro confusion from the minister this morning it appears that movement of under 18’s between parents/ houses is permitted.
however given the current state of play regards to the level of care of his children on her end he is very worried that if he returns the children to her on Wednesday-
A: he can’t actually make her “do better” and from her response of his opinion not being welcome I don’t think she actually thinks she is doing anything wrong?
B: considering point A, what if this lockdown goes up a level,.he could end up in a situation where he returns them to her and then can’t get them back for the foreseeable?
Last night (Monday) after the speech he messaged her about lockdown, at that point the movement of under 18s between homes was not classed as essential travel.
There for he said, and following government advice that the children shall have to stay here until we are told otherwise.
Her response was not good, “we have an agreement” “I’m coming to get them at 8am” (she didn’t BTW)
“Your being beyond cruel”
Sorry but leaving your child in underwear so unclean it’s only fit for the bin is cruel.

He is a very good father to both his children, he provides cares for and loves them dearly.
He always puts his kids needs and feelings first.
He is competent and organised. self employed, can work from home during this time whilst also home schooling the children.
They are always happy and secure when in his care, but he has noticed that when they come from their mums,.especially when it’s been her weekdays which then lead into her weekend Wednesday, Thursday, F,S,S the youngest in particular takes time to adjust from a clingy quiet baby to the confident 6 year old she is when with her dad.
Another of his ongoing issues is that his 6 year old is still sleeping in her mums bed.
She has a very good well paid job and owns her 3 bedroom house so there is a bedroom for the 6 year old but it is just storage and crap and the child has never slept in there, it’s never been “her bedroom”
Obviously he has raised this on many occasions as he feels this is having a negative affect on their daughter, but again her response is that it is none of his business and she doesn’t care what he thinks.
Worth mentioning she was still in nappies at night (only at her mums) and drinking milk from a bottle less than 6 months before she stared school.

It is difficult but I stay out of their business, I do not have contact with his ex wife.
I know how alone he feels and just doesn’t know where to turn for advice.
Above all he (and myself) just want what is best for the children.
Many thanks 🙏🏻

KatySun · 31/03/2020 21:27

That is an extremely helpful link QueenReenz thank you Flowers

fromonemumtoanother · 08/04/2020 11:31

Thank-you QueenReenz for sharing such a very helpful link 😊

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