DS health anxiety, doesn't want to go to school

[MetallicPaints]

He's in Yr 11, obviously an important year, we've just about kept a lid on his anxiety around GCSEs, now this has blown up and his health anxiety is off the scale. He is saying school is the worst place for him to be and I kind of agree. I also work in a school and it's virtually impossible to keep the children following good hygiene practise. I don't know how to reassure him. I can't, can I?

You can certainly reassure him that he's not going to die. Show him the breakdown of age statistics for who gets seriously ill and dies from this virus. It's not one that hits children and teenagers. They may test positive but they don't get very sick.

Of course he has to do all the correct things to stop others getting sick, as a duty to his fellow humans, but he himself is ridiculously low risk.

He's low risk himself, but his mental health is also important. This is going to be a long haul and a mental health exacerbation is not in his or your best interests.

Thanks for your replies. I have shown him the stats, I can usually help him with practical knowledge, but of course none of this fits with anything we've ever known before. He knows he may well get it and will almost certainly be fine, but it doesn't help the underlying anxiety. I can see it in his face, he's really struggling

Give him permission to make his own decisions about his own health in what is an absolutely unprecedented situation.

Is it in his best interests to force him to attend a school which will soon be closing anyway, for the sake of exams which may not take place, at significant cost to his mental health?

Mistigri I have been thinking along these lines. He's doing so so well with his school work, I don't want him to crash because of this. I will speak to him when he's up in a little bit. Thank you

It sounds like you are also anxious - why do you think school is the worst place for him?

It makes sense to close the schools for the sake of the elderly and vulnerable, and I do think they should be closed already. However actually for a teenager in his GCSE year school is a good place to be, and unless you have other health issues it's likely an ok place for you to be too. You're also likely low risk, and the health service, utilities and shops - not to mention the businesses and individuals who pay taxes and keep the government and schools paid for - will run better and benefit us when more parents are able to work.
Soon they'll likely be closed, in the meantime I'd encourage him to concentrate on study and on seeing his friends, who he'll be apart from for a really long time.

Lots of parents are unilaterally taking the decision not to send.

Personally I think this is too much for him psychologically. Everything has gone so weird, like we are in a crazy film. I'd tell a white lie and keep him off for eg a bit of a headache/cough ... And say he's worried about missing work and can he access some.

Don't make him go. Make him feel ok about not going.

I had to go to a school meeting yesterday at stepson's school and was horrified by total lack of control. Obviously it's impossible to wipe door handles etc. It IS a place for CV to spread like wildfire. And get brought home to elderly relatives.

They will have to close. Or will just be ghost schools soon. Please take the weight off his shoulders and say you've decided to keep him home.

Give him permission to make his own decisions about his own health in what is an absolutely unprecedented situation

This. He’s competent to make this decision. His GCSEs could be taken another year. His mental health is important.

Has he finished covering all the content in his subjects? If so, and you trust him to revise productively at home, I would let him stay off - on the understanding that he must go in for his GCSE exams when the time comes.

Whilst at home, get him to follow the normal school day as far as possible doing revision, past papers and marking them. He could also email his teachers for advice.

I think forcing him to go on at the moment might be counterproductive, and he won't be the only one off!

Maybe just keep him off? If someone in the house had a slight cough, he’d be off for 14 days. In that time I imagine schools will have closed.

@Stuckforthefourthtime I'm anxious about my DS and his mental health. If you've ever experienced someone you love struggling with their mental health, you will understand that you want to do everything in your power to help them. Our approach has always been to give him the tools to cope with his anxiety, to learn coping mechanisms so that he can live his life to the full. He's growing into such a mature intelligent young man and We are so proud of him, but this is an unprecedented situation.
We are being told to avoid mass social gatherings and yet I'm expected to send him into a school of over 1000 pupils where good hygiene practices are almost impossible. They get 25 minutes for lunch, there's no way they can all wash their hands properly and eat in that time.
@SansaSnark as far as I know the have finished all the content and are basically just going over everything which could easily be done at home.
Thanks for all the replies, I feel better about keeping him off if he's not coping.

I’d keep him off

On the condition that he works his ass off and doesn’t stare at a screen all day. He’ll probably really pull his finger out if he’s as desperate as he sounds

Sod the school
Poor mental health won’t get you far with exams

Axis he will work hard if we lay down the boundaries. Thank you

He needs to go in. Its not good for him ti see you anxious abd thinkung running away helps deam wirh anxiety. Feel the fear abd do it abyway. If hes not high risk if gettibg seriously ill then encourage him in. Otherwise hes giving into anxiety and not helping him work through it.

Give him permission to make his own decisions about his own health in what is an absolutely unprecedented situation

Agree!

When you ring him in sick you can ask how to access any work online. Any students self isolating are put on a y code which doesn't affect attendance figures.

Lots of students weren't in yesterday. Whole families are anxious. God knows what it will be like today after the news conference last night. Just keep following his timetable at home. Lessons on YouTube etc.

If he's finished all the content then keep him off. It won't do him any good to get into a state about this. Schools can't realistically be open for much longer anyway.

@MetallicPaints my DD suffered from serious mental health problems at secondary school including social and health anxiety. We kept her at home when she needed to be including for an entire term of year 13 (we are in France so this was easy, just needed a doctors note). She passed her baccalauréat, but was ill again in her first year of higher ed - again, I told her to put her health first and she dropped out and changed to a different less pressured course. She's since turned the corner and is doing well - well enough to remain voluntarily in Paris during the current quarantine and for me to feel that despite her being very young (not yet 19) she will cope with whatever is thrown at her.

I won't ever regret giving her the support to make her own decisions about what's best for her and her health. Good luck to you and your son x

@Mistigri thank you so much for sharing your experience. I think some people really struggle to empathise with mental health issues (see the feel the fear comment above) and it really helps to hear from others who get it. I am pleased to hear that your DD is doing well, you are obviously doing a great job as her parent, such a tricky path to navigate.
Thanks all for your support, DS did go in today but I made it clear he didn't have to and it was his choice if he felt it was too much. He was tearful bless him, but said he thought he could cope. I have told him we will take this on a day to day basis.