I feel heartbroken and wondering if I should give up TTC

[LittleRedRobin]

I've namechanged for this: I should be SWI'ing on these days, but DH and I had a major upset last night, on the day of ovulation, which has totally thrown me. It's a long story, but I feel as if I've been carrying the burden of TTC for well over a year now, gone through two MCs, lost all my dignity with strangers looking at my privates etc. One of the burdens is being the 'roll-caller' for when to SWI. Can't remember when DH last initiated sex.

I've been so concerned that he doesn't feel under pressure with having to perform that I've been going overboard, putting any of my 'needs' to one side and prioritising his - trying to make SWI'ing as fun for him as possible. Without going into gory details, yesterday he led led me to believe that last night would be 'my night' (god I feel an ass writing this), and then just as I rolled towards him feeling all sexy and optimistic that maybe this month would be THE BFP month because for once I was so relaxed about it all, he casually let me know it would be basic SWI after all with no special attention.

It hurt. A LOT. And I felt like an ass about it for allowing it to affect me so much. I feel humiliated.

For the first time ever I couldn't hide my disappointment: perfunctory SWI began but when he realised I wasn't getting into it he actually withdrew - I mean literally. Game over. On ovulation night. I spend every day of every month focussing towards ovulation and now I have to get through a whole other month with nt even a hope. It's killing me. I cried the whole night. I don't think I have ever been so at a loss what to do - felt desperate desperate. Could not even stay in the house I was going so crazy.

He is stunned I am so hurt and doesn't seem to get it. I know he feels dreadful; I know he loves me; I know he's a good man. But he's a terrible communicator and locked inside his won pathology: I can't be honest without him being mortally and deeply wounded so I have no choice but to hide my feelings because he cannot handle them and that breaks us - it nearly broke us years ago.

Last night, in my hurt and while I was crying my heart out, I was too honest and I don't know if we can get past it. Even now I can't reign in my hurt. I don't know if I have the strength to be the 'cheerleader' anymore - to chart and plan and initiate sex and try hide my desperation. But I know if I don't do that then I'll never have a baby, because he won't take on the horrible task. He is very supportive in that he does whatever I ask - but he never shows interest, never prompts conversation about it, never takes the initiative, never offers a firm view on what we should do next, or try etc. It makes me feel so alone. If it was hard before - and it was really grinding me down - it now feels impossible.

I don't know if I can handle dealing with such sensitive issues like us at our most sexually intimate along with the pressure of TTC.

I'm nearly 40 - I can't afford to have these sort of things happen. And I can't stop crying.

Hi LittleRedRobin. Are you talking to anyone in RL about all of this? It's amazingly hard to have stress-free sexual relations when you are under so much pressure. It took 2 years for us to conceive DD and have been TTC DC2 for over a year now. Not the same as your situation, I know, as I am blessed with DD and there isn't a day goes by when I don't thank my lucky stars. I am also nearly 40 and am finding that prospect miserable too, especially as people seem to mention it every 2 minutes. I have also considered giving up TTC as it makes me so miserable, but I think I would find it impossible to have sex around ovulation time without thinking 'maybe this month'.
None of this is really helpful to you as I don't have any practical advice, but just try to look after yourself. Sounds like you could do with a treat of some sort. Am sure someone will be along to give you some proper help.

Hi LRR,

You are clearly hurting here (would ask whether you felt you get adequate support following the mcs?). The Miscarriage Association is very good in that regard if you want to talk to them.

I think your DH is hurting as much as you are actually but is poor at expressing it; he has seen you go through an awful lot. You're putting so much pressure on yourself and your DH to conceive that it is affecting the relationship to its detriment.

What I am going to write is something you may not like but you need to take the pressure off both of you as of now. If you cosntantly chart, plan and initiate sex it will become a chore and you're both going to be put off. I always tell people on here not to go down the route of timed intercourse for the very reasons you describe.

Make love when you both feel like it, not when you think its ovulation time. You need to stop thinking about a particular night or day being the day of ovulation, all that will drive you half mad. Would instead try and do something outside your normal routine, go away somewhere for a weekend or visit somewhere you have not visited before. Even have a picnic in the local park. All that likely sounds very trite but you cannot go on like this or this pressure will destroy you both.

This site may prove helpful to you, I think you could both do with talking to someone hence this website suggestion:-

www.infertilitynetworkuk.com

jimmy No, no one in RL. I have a friend who knows we're TTC but I couldn't tell her this - it would be so unfair on DH. I am very glad we've told no one - it's the one good decision I've made about TTC. I can't stand the 'well meaning' interest and questions and prefer people to think I'm not interested in having children.

attila I was sent home with paracetemol for both MCs, told it was normal at my age, and that's it.

AS for not planning sex ... we're not like other couples - if I left things up to 'nature' then we might have sex once every two months and probably not at ovulation time. I cant at nearly 40 leave it to chance that we might hit ovulation time once or twice a year. Planning has made sure we DTD more regularly. We have two issues: TTC and a sexual past, and now they're colliding.

I've been with DH for a long time but when I first met him sex was nice but missing one basic; he was insecure and basically didn't know where a clit was (TMI but I'm well beyond caring). At the time I didn't think gently explaining and talking would be an issue but it was: his confidence was destroyed. I figured out as time went on and I met his family that that has more to do with his father and the way his father undermined and belittled him all the time growing up and well into adulthood - even in my company - but I didn't know at the time I was happily telling him about female anatomy how fragile his self-esteem was. The smallest comment to my DH and all he hears is 'You're crap/useless/incompetent' etc and he shrivels up. It leaves me silenced.

He asked me to marry him even though we hadn't had sex for years - not months - years. It must have been the hardest thing for him and I knew it and loved him for taking such a risk. I felt it gave us a second chance. I vowed to myself at the time I would never make sex an issue ever again - even in the gentlest way and no matter what.

And last night I blew it, because I couldn't control my hurt and desperation in the moment. I still don't know how to go forward again.

This sounds so awful typed out - but it's not been bad on any level. I really love him, he loves me, and we rarely fight and get on very well and sex has improved hugely as time has gone on and I think me keeping my mouth shut has helped a lot. I wouldn't want to be with anyone else. But TTC has introduced new pressures. I wish I'd just faked it last night, but I couldn't - I really tried but on this occassion it was me who broke under pressure.

Firstly, I'm so sorry for your losses and that you are feeling so low at the moment. I recognise so much of what you're writing here, I think TTC long-term (and with devastating obstacles like miscarriages) just drains the life out of a sexual relationship, and you would have to be unbelievably thick-skinned and highly sexed not to let it.

I have just started an ICSI cycle and I privately thank God because it at least gives us a bit of time out without having to SWI with diminishing interest on both sides. Of course, we have never said anything so candid out loud to each other but I think the woman monitoring and timing and having a burning ambition for a baby does wreck a man's libido at the best of times. My OH has been very stoic in carrying on anyway, but I'd say it's pretty clear we are both a bit over the whole thing. The difference with your situation is that it's all very much unsaid and I feel sure if either of us took the lid off it would be difficult to carry on as we were without help.

So what I am driving towards is the suggestion that you think about getting infertility counselling and/or sex therapy. Your OH obviously has deep-seated issues and you have been able to get along productively (up to a point) working around them but actually they have always been there in the room with you when you're having sex and now you've just given them more of a real presence. But I have to say you sound like superwoman for carrying on as long as this with all the pressure and (as you say) trying to bear it all alone. It's not fair on you and you must be exhausted.

Also, if you haven't talked to anyone in RL about it then in one way it's good for the reasons you mention, but it does mean you haven't got any outlet whatsoever for all the repetitive, difficult thoughts that come with long-term TTC and loss, and I think you really need one. How about googling for infertility counsellors - I think there's an organisation with its own website - and perhaps having a telephone consultation with one on your own to see how you get on, then perhaps ask your OH to attend as well. I can imagine that'll be an awful conversation to have but it really needs to be done - do you think he could ever contemplate talking about that stuff with a stranger? Perhaps on his own at first, it might be a bit much with you there as well.

I really hope you can find a way to move past this but it does sound as though you've had as much as you can take and no wonder. My heart goes out to you.

Hi LittleRedRobin

Some hospital staff do see miscarriage as routine (it is one of the most common reasons why a woman enters hospital) but having said that what happened to you was absolutely appalling on so many levels.

I hope you both decide to enter into subfertility counselling (hence the infertility network link) and sex therapy together. Think you both need this badly; you both cannot go on like this otherwise you could well split up under the strain. Talking to infertility network is not the same as telling family/friends (btw I never told anyone we were ttc either at the time); they are completely impartial here. Talking to them is NOT a sign of weakness; far from it, it shows that you are strong.

Like Cerubina I do hope that you as a couple can find a way forward here. You have both been through a hell of a lot to date.

My honest opinion is that you need to seek some counselling together. It sounds like ttc is breaking your relationship