Tactics to convince DP

[undermilkwood]

Hello, I am wondering if you can help with sugestions / ideas - purleease! .

I am 33 (34 in Feb) and have now come to the stage where I would really like a baby! I can feel my body geting 'older' and really don't want to wait an longer. I am healthy (hopefully), don't smoke or drink and eat a good diet (generally). I have done everything 'right' in society's eyes - got an education to PhD evel, got a good university job with a decent wage etc, got a house. I have travelled a lot and think I would be a good mum. I have been with DP for about 4 years and known him for 14 as a friend. He is 44 and has 2 DDs from a previous relationship, who are now 19 & 20 and lovely. He claims this is not a factor and would not stop him having more.... Their mmum is in a serious relationship elsewhere aand I get on with her.

We have had lots of discussions about having a baby and he gives mixed messages. I said I wanted marriage (not his thing) and a baby (more open to that idea but still mocks a frightened face, jokes etc. when I bring it up). However, sex is thin on the ground, and he seems to reject me particularly at ovulation times when I could get pregnant. He is always rushing off somewhere to do sport or to train with the lifeboat - precisely at those times when most likely to get pregnant. Friends and relatives always pop around or ring at exactly the wrong time!

Does anyone know of any tactics or suggestions? The irony is the moment I met him, sevemn years ago, I imagined him as a father to my baby. I find him incredibly attractive, and don't like the idea of going elsewhere to start a family. But time is ticking and he doesnt seem to want to rush! He also smokes which is another factor.

I switch(depending on my hormonal / emotional state) between the idea of sticking with him and hoping it will happen 'next month' (usually pre ovulation optimism) or moving on and hoping that I will meet someone else who is still attractive but keener to start a family (post ovulation dissapointment). I know know the meaning of the term biological clock! My friends all around are having babies and although I try to ignore this, it is very much 'in my face'

Help!!!

I think you need to sit him down and have a "now or never" chat with him. It sounds like he's avoiding the issue and it could be a case of waiting until it's too late for you so any action on his part is out of his hands.

One of my friends almost married a man who had two DCs from a previous marriage and he was ambivalent about having a kid with her. As their relationship went on, it became clear that he actually didn't want children. So she walked away.

I completely agree with Igglybuff, I think a serious chat is needed, where you both lay your cards out on the table, but I also think you need to be prepared if he outright says he doesn't want any children.

You say he rejects you around your ovulation time, and seems to be very busy around then too; are you actually telling him that you're going to be ovulating within the next few days, or is it just coincidence?

Might he feel that you only want to have sex with him then so you'll get pregnant, and if you haven't talked about TTC he's not happy about you doing that? (hope you understand what I mean there, I rambled a bit, sorry!)

But I feel for you, my friend has recently gone through a similar situation, and it was heartbreaking to see her be so down about it. They had the talk in the end and are now TTC so it may just be he doesn't realise you want to start trying NOW. Talking about babies and marriage might he just think you mean in the future?

I'm going to stop waffling now, hopefully you made some sense out of that! Good luck with the talk

Undermilkwood did you get anywhere with DH? Why don't you join our "waiting to ttc" thread? I am in a similar position and know the ups and downs only too well.