TTC ladies: how do I break it to my friend that I'm pregnant

[Sufi]

Sorry for posting here (& it's long), but I'm really after some advice and not sure where else to go.

I am 6 wks pregnant. One of my close friends has just given up on IVF and accepted she cannot have another child (she has one DD who was a twin; her other DD died at birth. They were also conceived via IVF).

I know she really struggles with both the death of her DD and the fact that the thing she wants most - another child - is now never going to happen.

The last time we had a proper chat about all this was late last year, when I said I wasn't sure about having another baby. And then I decided to give it a go and fell pregnant quite quickly. Which almost makes things worse.

I don't actually want to tell anyone about my pregnancy yet as I'm old, have had problems before, there's no guarantee etc.. On the other hand, I do want her to know or be forewarned. How do I tell her without losing her friendship? I don't want to text/call her as that seems cruel, but equally I don't want to drag her on a night out and then ambush her with the news.

(This may all sound melodramatic, btw, but I have already lost 2 friends due to a similar situation when I was pregnant with DS1.)

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

I would tell her over the phone instead of in person. That way she can congratulate you, say how pleased she is for you and then she can go and have a cry as soon as she puts the phone down. Personally, I would also acknowledge how difficult a situation this is for both of you. I also wouldn't tell her until you 12 weeks and you are sure that everything is going to be ok.

(I had to tell a friend that I was pregnant a few weeks after her dh had unexpectedly died and I knew that they had wanted to get pregnant. Was bloody crap situation, so I had to give it some thought. I'm not sure if I got it right, but I did what I described above. She still talks to me.)

Firstly.....congratulations!!!!!

Really hard situation for you here.I have been in this situation but on your friend's side of things IYSWIM

Make sure she hears it from you would be my first instinct,maybe over the phone though as this way I managed to disguise how upset I actually was, but had it been a face to face converstation the tears streaming down my cheeks would have given the game away somewhat.

Follow up the phonecall with a visit and leave it up to her to mention the pregnancy, and hardest of all for you....... try not to show too much excitement(by the same token, don't complain re:symtoms/worries etc as she will only be thinking ''STOP moaning, you are lucky to be pregnant'')

Hope it goes okay.
x

Thanks Neolara - I'm thinking a call would be best so that she has time to digest the news. Do really think it's better to wait until 12 wks though?

And thanks PRO too (& for the congrats - your the 1st person apart from DH to say that!). I won't be all excited/moany about it, don't worry, learned that the hard way first time round with other friends who had problems.

Congratulations.

I used to think it was something you should tell someone face to face but having been through my own infertility battle I believe that it's best to do it by phone or by sending a card and explaining that you are doing it that way because you know that they might need tme to process it and deal with the news without having an audience. Definitely make sure she hears it from you rather than through someone else.

I think it's ok to wait until 12 weeks if that's when you plan to tell other people although if you see her often it could feel like you are keeping the truth from her and that's hard too.

You have to accept though that she may well not react with joy towards it, and that's not a personal insult toward you so please don't take it as such.

I withdraw completely from people I know who are pregnant, they get hidden on facebook and I'm polite yet don't actively seek them out - it's simply the only way I cope with things. If I know there's a baby-related situation about to occur or someone brings their new arrival in, I'll quite often arrange not to be around or just disappear from the room quietly... so if she doesn't react with joy - you need to be strong enough to not view that as something directed against you.

I'd say phone or anything not face to face is actually a good idea, possibly let her in on it as early as possible so she feels you're making an effort to consider her feelings and she can brace herself for the tidal wave of joy and baby talk when you go public at the official time so to speak - and just give her the space to sort it out in her own head once you've let her know the news. If she's anything like most women on here - she'll make the happy happy congratulations cooey noises expected of her, then go hide somewhere for a good cry - it's natural (even though there are many out there who try to make us feel bad for reacting like that). If she backs away for a while - just respect it and keep the lines of communication open - she'll come back to you in her own time.

I agree with what's been said above. Tell her over the phone or by a card or written note. She'll have the opportunity to cry and have a private moment to react in her own way. It'll be a blow to her regardless of how you tell her. If you explain that you've thought really hard about protecting her feelings. You can then wait for her to contact you and then when you get together you can reassure her that you're there for her. I know it hurts when someone tells you they are pregnant but after the initial tears she'll be ok and will wish you well.

Personally I would feel very special if I were to be one of the first to know her news as it would almost be my secret too for a while.

One day i'll see my own BFP and i do already wonder how i'll tell one of my friends who decided to give up on IVF.

I agree tell her on the phone, if you are going to tell other people before 12 weeks I would tell her too. In fact, would it be possible to tell her before you tell anyone else?

When dh and I were having fertility problems, and we had had a couple of miscarriages, my best friend told me she was pregnant. It was at a particularly difficult time, she phoned me, and said she understood if I wanted to keep out of her way for a while, and that she wouldn't go on about the pg to me. But tbh, she was such a good friend and so tactful, I was over the moon for her, and said I really wanted her to talk to me about the pg, and moan if she needed to, and hopefully one day, she would be there for me when I was pg. I really didn't want to be treated any differently to any of her other friends, so maybe your friend will feel the same way. Of course if she doesn't then you will have to respect her wishes, give her some space and hope she finds a way back to you.

You sound like a very thoughtful and loving friend - Congratulations.

Thanks to everyone who has given me some advice. I think I'm going to tell her before anyone else, over the phone, and then arrange to meet up soon.

I'm not one to go round being all excited by pregnancy. Having seen first hand what can go wrong, right up until and sometimes after the birth, I just can't be excited. I'm too scared. So at least she won't have to put up with me banging on about being pregnant!

emptyshell - I really hope that people here (or elsewhere) haven't made you feel bad for not being overjoyed at someone else's pregnancy news. Even though I've lost friends because of it, I actually think those friendships wouldn't have stayed the course anyway. You have every right to feel how you feel - yes, I'd just like to tell my friend and not worry about how she feels but then what kind of friend would that make me? Pregnancy, motherhood and loss are the biggest things in my life - so I think we are allowed to feel exactly how we want to around them. There's no right or wrong.

Anyway, I'm obviously feeling massively hormonal and teary so apologies for this rather rambling post. I just meant to say thank you .