Trying again after losing a baby

[dcb]

Just need to get this out of my system - I know I should prob wait a while and let us all start to get over this as far as is possible so bear with me.

Just lost our little boy at 2 weeks old - am so desperate at the moment. I obviously really just want to have him but know I can't - I have this overwhelming urge for a baby - I know he can never be replaced but we both want to try for another child asap. Have a dd aged 4 who is v sad not to have her brother home. When can we start trying again - do I need to leave it a while to improve chances of healthy pregnancy? Had 2 MCs last year as well and can't bear the thought of going through that again on top of all this.

xxx

dcb, I read your other thread. I am sorry to hear that your little boy died, I can't imagine how difficult that time is.

I think that you can conceive straight away, if you want to. But some people find it very difficult to deal with their feelings of loss and separating them from the feelings of their new pregnancy.

DCB so sorry for your loss.

Physically you can start trying again immediately (although some Drs suggest you have a period as this makes it easier to date pregnancy).

Emotionally it is harder. After I lost my DS (stillbirth last August) the desperation I felt to "fill the void" was overwhelming. I would have given anything to be pregnant in those early days/months. As time has progressed the pasin has eased and I feel much more circumspect about the situation: another baby would be wonderful but I no longer feel like I need it.

Best wishes.

DCB i am so sorry for your loss. I havent read your other posts but wanted to answer your question.

I have lost 2 pregancies, one at 19wks last year and one at 12wks in March of this year. I completely understand your urge for a baby, sometimes it can feel unbearable. We started trying within a couple of months after loosing our first son, this time around straight away. We were told to wait til after my first AF. We have to have fertility treatment and the nurse said the body heals much quicker and as long as i felt mentally ok then the time was right for us. I also saw a bereavement midwife, maybe she would be able to help you.
Take good care of yourself
xx

I am so sorry for your loss dcb.
Most Drs will suggest you have a period as nancydrewrocks said.
I had a still birth at 28 weeks 4years ago and I was the opposite for a while I was adamant I didnt want any more kids (we already had DS1) but then a few months later I changed my mind- I have no idea why I changed my mind so suddenly. I fell pregnant straight away & unfortunately I had an early miscarriage. We decided to keep trying and I went on to have DS3 & 4.
I would say give yourself a bit of time first as there are and will still be alot of emotions involved. What your feeling is normal, you miss your son obviously and need something to fill the void? -cant think of the right words I mean I threw myself into a home course and I guess when I felt more at ease with myself/everything I wasnt interested in the course anymore and it went out of the window. (Im not saying thats what you'd do with a baby) I mean I needed a distraction to sort my head out. Everyones different.
That is in no way meant to be offensive- just hard to explain what I mean& just whether it makes sense to anyone else.
x

Thanks everyone - you're right - there is a huge void at the moment. Will just take it a day at a time x

dcb I am so, so sorry about what happened to your little boy. How absolutely devastating for you and your family.
Your urge for another baby sounds completely normal given what you've just lost, but please do try to give yourself time. You need to grieve, and when another baby comes along, as I hope for you it will, perhaps it will be better to have had some kind of gap between this heartbreakingly awful tragedy and another pregnancy.
I haven't experienced losing a full term baby, but I have lost four during pregnancy. In my experience nothing can ease that dreadful feeling of loss, only time can help to make the pain less raw.
I am thinking of you so very much, and of your dh and dd. What a terrible, terrible thing to happen.

dcb, I have nothing to add, other than to echo what other posters have said about how personal a decision this is and how important it is to do what's right for you.

I really just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss, and to pass on my condolences to your partner and the rest of your family. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling and I hope that you are given the time and support that you all need at this terrible time.

My thoughts are with you all.

I am so sorry you must be devastated. Please give your self time to grieve properly.I would just like to add one thing that I found through my experiences that the most important thing you can do at the moment is talk to your DD. I found mine were affected deeply and had all sorts of questions that I hadn't even dreamed of. When my DD became a teenager she got pregnant as soon as possible because she wanted to get it over with in case she was like me (her words). It may be you DD is not ready.
I wish you the best of everything.

I am so sorry that you lost your baby boy. I lost my twin girls recently after they were just born too prematurely to survive. One died at 15 minutes old, one at 9 days.

I also had an overwhelming urge to conceive again immediately. I just somehow felt that pregnancy would not only give us a baby (after all, we wanted a baby and don't have one, but I don't expect it for one minute to be able to ease the grief I feel or replace my girls) but give us something to look forward to, some sort of hope.

I have been told various things about when I can conceive. My GP said I could try straight away if I wanted to, a gynaecologist at the hospital told me to wait one or two cycles so my body was more 'normal' again and th ebereavement midwife told me they advise waiting 6 months as it makes the liklehood of miscarriage less likely. We just decided to try right away, I feel the urge to become pregnant outweighs the worry of an early miscarriage. Plus, I am not looking forward to pregnancy at all, so would prefer to just get it out of the way.

Hi dcb

I too lost my little baby in March this year. I went into labour at 36+3 and due to umbilical cord prolapse he sadly didn't make it.

I think only you will know when the time is right to try again. I was told by both my midwife and consultant that it is safe to try straight away and this is what i felt was right for me. I agree with midori, i am not looking forward to the pregnancy at all i would rather skip that part but as it's an essential part i am willing to go through it.

Whatever you feel is right for you is what you should do...

x

Thanks everyone. Having a bad day - have had to organise his funeral these last couple of days. Just looking forward to my milk fully drying up (still keep getting a 'let-down' and having to wear pads)and bleeding settling down. Will probably leave ttc for a while as neither of us will be in any state (physically or otherwise)for a while and not sure I could bear another miscarriage on top of all this. Thanks for your advice x

Meant to add - how long did it take for milk to dry up completely?

dcd, my milk felt like it took forever to dry up, but I think in reality it took about 12 days. It was agony and very upsetting as I had been desperately expressing as I felt it was all I could do for my little girl when she was in NICU. I had had problems establishing my milk supply and when we got back from the hospital after Imogen had died we just got into bed, as we were exhausted, then woke up to the bed absolutely soaked as I had leaked everywhere. My husband said that was one of the saddest things for him.

It's so hard, I hope you manage to get through the next weeks as well as you possibly could. I'll be thinking of you.