Couples who decide not to have children

[passionfruity]

I realise that it might seem a little odd to post this in "Conception" but my question is inspired by the Ditherers Anonymous thread.

DH and I have been married two years and are early thirties. We're leaning towards deciding NOT to have children and I'd be interested to hear from anyone who made that decision a few years ago or has a friend who has.

Any regrets? And particular challenges it poses eg relationship-wise? (apart from having to put up with hassle from (some) family and friends about their reasons). I watched SATC2 the other night and all the stuff about 'just us two' got me thinking!

You never know just why they decided not to have children.

I think the OP is talking about couples who actively and willingly decide not to have children, therefore don't TTC at all.

I'm not sure you will find many people who are post-decision on the conception boards, but there are a few of us pre-decision, as it were.

For many it probably boils down to a lack of burning desire to reproduce, but I would imagine there are countless other individual reasons.

I think there is discussion and information on this issue 'out there' if you want to explore it, in blogs/discussion groups/books etc.

Deciding to try or indeed not to try for a family is certainly a huge decision, and both outcomes affect the rest of your life. I definitely don't have any answers, I wish I did. Finding people who are in the same situation, at the same stage of the process, has been a massive support for me.

All the best, no matter what you decide -in my opinion, exciting things can happen in your life, with either decision!

I have three friends who have made this decision. One because she was abused as a child and never wants children because she thinks they'll be abused (not the best grounds for this decision, I think - but valid for her). The other two genuinely don't want them. One of these other two is a little bitter and hard to be around actually - slightly derogatory and critical of people who do decide to have children. The other just does not want to be a mum or get married, has never wavered, but is a brilliant gift buyer for her friends children.

I didn't want children until I turnd 38, then started to waver and thought I DID want a family. After my first MC, the loss and shock was so immense I'm left in no doubt now how badly I want them - now I feel life will always be empty for me if we're not successful.

But I think deciding not to have children is a totally valid choice and decision. Unfortunately, I think you'll always find people responding to you slightly pityingly (I was treated that way - still am actually, because no one knows we're TTC). It's very irritating. Just tell them to piss off.

I have several close married friends who have chosen not to have children because they truly don't want them.

They just want to be the two of them or have lifestyles/hobbies that would have to end if they had kids.

They are all in their 40s and not a single regret.

In most cases, one or the other or both have been sterilised (mostly before they met, as they'd already decided they never wanted any children).

I'm still good friends with my ex h.

He is 44 now, never wanted kids so we split. He got the snip, is now very happily married to a woman who'd been sterilised before she met him, too.

They're very happy and great with kids! Just never wanted them.

Ditto two of my best friends.

I know two single women who decided fairly early on in life (20s) that they probably werent going to have children. one is now in her 40s, the other in her 50s. and they are both poerfectly happy with their decisions as far as I know.

I don't know any couples who made that decision and stuck with it, however.

I know two couples who made the decision, only to split up and for the man to then have a child with another women very quickly.

I know another couple who decided they didn't want children, but the woman changed her mind in her early forties and went on to adopt a child 9she split from her husband foirst, as he didn't want to adopt).

I know a few people who have decided not to have children. One because he just feels he's too selfish and doesn't want that responsibility, he's married to someone who I think would have liked to have kids but she has a medical condition that means it would be very dangerous for her so she's chosen to remain child-free too.

Someone else I knew had the snip when he was 21, because he had a genetic visual impairment that he didn't want to pass on to any children.

I know some older people too who decided not to have children, one of them says she has no regrets other than when she goes into a home when she's old there'll be no-one to visit her there.

I also have a friend in South Africa who doesn't want children because he doesn't feel it's a good place to bring up children.

I too know a few people who never wanted children. Like expat, my ex h decided he didn't want them (after we had married ) and is now happily married to someone in her mid 40's who has no intention of having them either.

They are all very happy with their decision afaik

Hi ladies, I thought I will put in a little unsolicited advice based on personal experience.
If you are absolutely sure that you don't want any children then may be you will never regret your decision, however all those who are dangling between may want/may not want will be better off having atleast one before time runs out. Children bring out so much love you never knew you had in you.
Taking the chance of regretting later may not be wise because the feeling of missing a chance to have your own child is so different from all other regrets, it just keeps gnawing at you incessantly without ever stopping. We don't know for sure wheather some of the people who chose not to have children are not experiencing this feeling. No one wants to publicly accept that they are regretting their decision. It's just something one goes through all alone.
I have a beautiful 11 yr old daughter. DH and I thought that one was the best number for us although we did have occasions when we saw our friends with second/third child and felt a little pang. We were so busy with our careers that we never sat down and talked about how we really felt about it. Deep down we were actually dangling between should/should not have another one but never addressed it and kept going on with the convenience of having just one child for two demanding careers. We even had two pregnancies terminated after DD. After my 42nd b'day we both finally faced the fact that we really wanted another child but looks like we have missed the boat. I just turned 43 without any luck. I can be the woman in the postor," oops! I forgot to have children." Every minute of the day I regret not facing my true feelings and being so focussed on my career all these years. I wouldn't want to have anyone go through what I am going through so please who are not sure, it is better to have one than not. Our daughter is such a blessing for us, I wish everybody gets to experience the joy of having a child.

Hi. My ex and I had decided not to have children, but I realise now that actually I really wanted/want children. We're no longer together, I realise I'd actually supressed my feelings considerably adn really DO want them. I'm forty two have just had my first pregnancy which ended in MC a few weeks ago.

My new OH and I will by trying again asap. I feel I have good chances as i'm clearly fertile, but I do regret not acknowledging my feelings sooner, and acting on it.

I know a couple who had decided not to have children. He had the snip in his late twenties, had to lie to the doctors to get it done and say he was over 30. They split up years later and she went on to have a child. Apparently when she announced she was pg, he got on the phone to his best friend very upset as he had thought he didn't want dc's because she didn't but was now wondering whether he had made a huge mistake, particularly as he had just lost a gf whom he loved but who really, really wanted dcs and left him for that reason.

Thanks for your replies. Lots to think about!

I have friends where he does not want children and she married him in the full knowledge of that but as she's about to pass 35 she is regretting it and hoping he'll reconsider.
I don't think I'd advise anyone to go for sterilisation when there are a lot of really reliable, fairly hassle free contraceptive options now eg coil, implant. Its so common for circumstances to change and that choice to be regretted.
Isn't it enough to decide you don't want children now? Does it have to be something set in stone forever?

Isn't it enough to decide you don't want children now? Does it have to be something set in stone forever?'

For some, they want that certainty. And they cannot use any available birth control methods or don't want to.

Or, in the case of men, they don't want to take the risk with condoms.

The people I know who had it done were in their late 30s/early 40s and 100% sure that for them, they never wanted to procreate.

I think a person at that age and of sound mine can make a decision about what is best for their body.

Isn't it enough to decide you don't want children now? Does it have to be something set in stone forever?'

For some, they want that certainty. And they cannot use any available birth control methods or don't want to.

Or, in the case of men, they don't want to take the risk with condoms.

The people I know who had it done were in their late 30s/early 40s and 100% sure that for them, they never wanted to procreate.

I think a person at that age and of sound mine can make a decision about what is best for their body.

In early thirties I didn't want children. By 35 I still didn't, but was worrying about the future a bit. At 36 I decided to get pregnant (still uncertain) - stayed uncertain until DS put in my arms! But I would never encourage anyone to have children, it gives me so much but it is the hardest thing I've ever done.
The world doesn't need the extra children, I don't think anyone should be made to feel bad (as I know does happen) for not wanting them.

A friend of mine (who has two young daughters) said to me once: 'The best thing of all would be not to want them', i.e. life is probably better in many ways, from the point of view of the couple (and I suspect in particular the woman), without them, but if you want them, then you will find it hard to be happy without them. Just a thought - I suspect she's right!

My sister and her husband made this decision.

They married young, she was about 20. To begin with they didn't have children as they were busy with their careers, but as time went on I think they just realised that they were quite happy without them!

They are now 45 and 48, so unlikely to change their minds.

I had pretty much decided i didn't want children when our contracpetion failed 6 weeks after getting married and I got pg with dd. I knew i could not have a termination so carried on with the pregnancy. However i cried my eyes out every day for the whole pg and for the year after she was born. i always loved her deeply but hated being a mother, I was so so unhappy. Now she's nearly 4 my attachment to her is improving but the acute grief i felt at having my freedom taken from me has taken a long time to fade.

I knew i didn't want her to be an only child so we had ds who's now 8 months. I was angry and upset throughout the pg and whilst bf but now I've stopped bf and he's sleeping better I'm finally enjoying having a family. It's taken nearly 4 years though. I'm pretty assertive about having my own life and doing my won thing as well, some might call it selfish. I go out twice a week, i go to the gym and have regular weekends away with sister/friends. Dh and I don't really get much couple time as despite promises to the contrary both sets of Gps are reluctant to have the children without us there so i have to do stuff alone/with friends. this has caused a rift with DH, however if i feel I'm being swamped and consumed by family life I begin to feel miserable again, doing my own thing is the only way i cope.

So although i love my children more than life itself I don't enjoy my life that much sometimes and I think the reality is if you really love your life they can negatively rather than positively affect that. Sorry to be bleak but it's the way I feel.