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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Come and tell me if I'm doing the right thing

16 replies

Ineedsomesleep · 03/06/2010 20:58

My sister has been ttc for about 2 years. She has always played her cards very close to her chest and I find it very hard to talk to her about it.

Also, I'm not entirely sure that her DP knows that they have been trying for 2 years because she did tell me once that she had come off the pill without telling him

So I was thinking that instead of trying to talk to her again I could maybe buy her a book so that she could read it on her own. What do you think?

I know that the only book to do with pregancy and babies that I have ever been bought was Gina Ford and that didn't exactly go down too well.

I've seen a book mentioned on some threads but I'm not sure what its called exactly, is it "in charge of your fertility?"

OP posts:

Littlefish · 03/06/2010 21:04

I think you should do absolutely nothing unless she brings the subject up. If she wants a book to read, I'm sure she'll go and buy one. It's lovely that your interested/concerned, but I think it could massively backfire on you if you stuck your beak in .

Littlefish · 03/06/2010 21:05

Aaaaargh "you're" not "your" and "stick", not "stuck".

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HeadFairy · 03/06/2010 21:07

I agree with littlefish, unless she's talked at length to you about her fertility issues then don't buy her anything. The book you're thinking of by the way is taking charge of your fertility.

ClaireDeLoon · 03/06/2010 21:09

I agree with littlefish. There are loads of sources on the internet she can look at to help her or to recommend a book if she wants one.

One thing I hate with ttc is thinking are people gossipping about me or pitying me. I know a lot of that is my paranoia but a book, however well meant, would make me feel awful.

I realise you're only trying to be kind, but you're thinking of her, caring about her and hoping for her. That's enough until she asks you for more.

meggles · 04/06/2010 09:23

i think the book you're suggesting is Toni Weschler "Taking Charge of your Fertility".

however, i wholeheartedly agree with posters above. if my sisters bought me a book on such a personal subject without a conversation i would be livid. furious. angry. hurt.

and please don't bring the subject up with her. if she needs to or wants to talk about it, she will broach the subject.

in the meantime, positive/good thoughts her way is the only answer. perhaps suggest tea/coffee break, spa break, weekly walk, etc. i'd love a chance to spend time with my sister doing ANYTHING other than think about TTC.

Original poster

Ineedsomesleep · 04/06/2010 09:49

Thanks for all your posts.

The thing is she will never bring the subject up herself, ever or buy a book on the subject.

Also, I don't think she is doing anything about it at all, yet I know she would love children. From the two brief conversations we've had, she has said that charting temperatures and going down the route of IVF isn't for them yet there are many other simple things she could try that could work.

It is hard to spend regular time with her as she works shifts, which I'm sure doesn't help her fertility either. When I do get to see her recently I've usually got my DCs in tow as my DH works shifts too.

As for gossiping or pitying her. I love her and worry that she might be doing something now which she will bitterly regret in a few years. Its also very hard for other people who love her when she simply won't talk to anyone.

Its not just her fertility she won't discuss btw, she didn't tell us she'd split up with her last DP for 2 weeks! And she hasn't really got any friends to discuss it with either.

Just really worried and concerned for her.

OP posts:

AmandaCooper · 04/06/2010 09:58

Gosh I can't believe you'd even think of it, I agree with the other posters, you might mean it well but it would seem insensitive and interfering and it also kind of sends the message that you think your sister's problems conceiving - if she's even having any - are due to her not researching the subject sufficiently.

AmandaCooper · 04/06/2010 10:00

Which you do think - but you probably shouldn't say so IYSWIM!

DuelingFanjo · 04/06/2010 10:06

I think, if her attitude towards TTC is just to keep on trying then it's best left alone. Although maybe you could just generally talk to her about babies without putting pressure on her to try all sorts of things. From my own experience it's so easy to get bogged down with different methods and different worries so if she's just taking it as it comes at least she's stress free and easy going about it all.

I wouldn't wish the anxiety I felt about it all on anyone.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2010 10:38

If they have been ttc for 2 years without success it is likely that one or equally both of them are subfertile. It certainly now warrants further investigation via their GP and a referral to a gynae but that is their decision ultimately.

The "Taking charge of your fertility book" by Toni Weschler would now not be helpful at this late stage.

AmandaCooper · 04/06/2010 10:45

Could you possibly make time over the next few months to spend a girls night in with a bottle of wine?

absentbump · 04/06/2010 11:43

Hi I agree with the posts above that you shouldnt go ahead and buy a book but as but as you said if you are really worried for her there is no harm in speaking to her, being sisters you should be able to bring up the subject if she doesnt want to talk about it then she can just say, just be honest and say you are worried but dont want to say to much as she's not too open... as the girls said maybe you could plan a girls night in or out with her and maybe bring the subject up then ...you could always say that one of your other friends has been having trouble convieving and has been on this website which has really helped her and it might propmpt her to come on to this site in her own time and find that others are going through the same thing and it might help.

AliGrylls · 04/06/2010 11:50

No, no, no, don't do it. The nice motivation is there but there could be a problem that is nothing to do with her and it would make the whole thing much worse.

emptyshell · 04/06/2010 12:02

To be honest (and I'm a three-yearer here so I know how it drags on and grinds you down better than many), the best thing I'd appreciate right now is someone just being normal with me, doing stuff that's not related to losing weight/increasing fertility chances/getting pregnant.

You get so much well-meaning advice once you come out of the closet as infertile (the next one who says "just relax and it'll happen" or gives me an annecdote about their great aunt Marge who went for a week's holiday to Benidorm after years of childlessness and came back pregnant with triplets - is getting the house-brick sized copy of TCOYF inserted somewhere only gynaecologists generally wander) and people seem to think their "stories of hope" help as well - maybe I'm a vindictive bitch but they don't, but the correct response is to smile sweetly and pretend that it's been a collossal source of moral fortitude while privately wanting to gouge the new smug mummy's ovaries out... it messes with your mind completely does a prolonged period of infertility!

What I'd appreciate if I were your sister is just to have some time as "me" not "me the infertile woman" - doing something fun, but hopefully in a place with minimal children (I find it very hard to bear seeing babies and young kids with happy parents these days) - even if it's going for a coffee and a girlie giggle in a quiet coffee shop where there aren't a million happy families (I swear those with new babies are magnetically drawn to be whereever I am) or catching a movie (just not one where it ends up happily with a baby) - things like that. Just to forget about it for a while and let her be herself again because long-term infertility feels like nothing else - the best way I've found to describe it is like toothache (that gnawing relentless pain you can't get any relief from or rub better) but in your heart.

justshaggy · 04/06/2010 12:40

Privacy with ttc is something I feel quite strongly about. I have not told a single soul I am TTC (except MNetters and DH!) because I do NOT want to talk about it, or have 'helpful' suggestions, etc etc etc. This is the BEST decision I have ever made.

So actually, your sister has said more to you than I have to others. I can honestly say I'd be livid and deeply deeply unsettled and uncomfortable if anyone - no matter how well-meaning - bought me a book. It would be like a total invasion of my privacy.

I do understand your concern though. I think the best thing (from my perspective and based on the relationship I have with my own sister) is just be honest. Tell her you are worried, tell her you'd like to talk to her about it ... BUT also tell her its up to her and if she doesn't want to talk then you won't raise it ever again.

That way she has two options: to talk to you or to tell you she doesn't want to talk (in which case you have to respect that). In some ways it might actually be a relief to her to be given a chance by you to firmly tell you to 'butt out', because, if she is anything like me, she probably has a sixth-sense that you're dying to know and it might be making her uncomfortable ...

Or she might talk to you about it - but if she only talks a little bit and its not enough for you then, I'm really sorry, but this is her painful journey and its her choice as to how much she does or does not say.

Finally, just to say that I wouldn't assume you know everything going on with her or what she has or has not done. I've had two MCs (been in surgery for one - treated for an ectopic in the other for couple of weeks) and NO ONE knows. I live in the same town as DHs family and our friends... so... there may well be more going on than she wants you to know about.

Original poster

Ineedsomesleep · 04/06/2010 17:28

Ok so I get the hint, don't give her the book

Its just so hard when a. I know she wants children and b. she won't bloody well talk to anyone!

Its probably not helping that I've got 3 friends who all took the wait and see what happens route and nothing ever did. Now the couples are in their late 40's or 50's and wondering if they had done something about it they could have had a DC.

By chance she had a bonus day off today so have seen her this afternoon, but had my DCs in tow again. I've also invited them both to a BBQ tomorrow, but again my DCs will be there.

FWIW I don't think that anyone takes pity on her or sees her as an infertile woman instead of just a woman, as it seems that nobody knows apart from me and DH.

I just hope it works out for her soon and for everyone else on here too. It was a long and rocky road for us so I've got every sympathy for anyone who is having trouble getting a DC.

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