Really desperate to start ttc, but DH wants to wait...

[CuppaTee]

Hi all,
I've been browsing this site for a couple of months, but this is my first post. I'd really like your thoughts on my situtation and I hope I don't offend anyone..

I've been married just over 6 months, but have been with my DH for 12 years, I'm 31 and am proper desperate to have a baby.
For various reasons DH and I didn't live together until we got married and he is using this as a reason not to start ttc in that he wants it to be just us two learning to live together for as long as possible.

A well-meaning friend of ours who has 2 children under 3 advised us to wait at least a year once being married because you never get that time back. DH really took that on board and so wouldn't consider ttc until later this year.

We've had a few heart to hearts and he allowed the 'start date' to move forward to July now which is good, but I've been tracking my cycles and I've discovered that my possible fertile days in July are when DH is away, which means chances are nothing will happen til August.

So, I asked him to move it back a month to June, as I so want as many chances as possible as we'd love 2 children and I'm scared that the closer to 35 I get my dream won't happen.but he's not having any of it. He doesn't want to deal with a ttc me, pregnant me, etc yet.

I'm so frustrated and resentful and I don't really understand his insistence on refusing my request, it's so upsetting as everywhere I look there are babies, pregnant friends, family who keep asking when we're going to have a baby.

I'm also convinced we will have problems conceiving (for no known reason for me - I have regular cycles and charting is saying I'm ovulating, but DH smokes/drinks loads and that is a real worry) as that would be just my luck.

I think I'm really looking for someone to slap some sense into me; and help to cope with the huge desire I have to be pregnant, to have a baby, to be a Mum, and living with a DH who is making me wait.

Can anyone relate at all?

If you've read this far thank you!

Can very much relate - though I'm a year or so behind you age-wise and broodiness-wise. We got married last year but have been together (and living together) for ages before that. I think mid-2011 would be a good time for us to TTC (if I'm honest I'd like to start before then but mid 2011 is my compromise). DH on the other hand is not keen, would like to push it back, basically he seems to think late 30s would be a good time... I have explained biologically this is not a great idea and also that dammit I'm not prepared to wait that long.

August this year is not that long to wait, I know it is difficult, and I guess my hormones aren't screaming as much as yours, but try to think of it as giving you an opportunity to do all those things you won't be able to afterwards...

Do many of your friends have DCs? If so, can you get your DH to spend more time around them? My theory (based on my not very scientific survey of one) is that the more exposure DHs get to DCs the more they get used to the idea and even warm to it. Also if they see it as a "normal" thing for guys their age to be doing. Of course best if he gets to see them when acting sweet rather than crying/covered in sick

Don't fret too much though about your fertility. I think everyone who wants to TTC but can't has that fear. Statistically though you are likely to be fine. Do see if you can get DH to cut down on the smokes though (maybe use moving in together, brand new fresh home etc, as a reason, rather than babies).

Bit of a rambly reply but hope that helps somehow!

Well I don't think your problem is waiting till August, your problem is that your dh isn't ready to have kids yet.

I know you want a baby - but you also want a marriage that works and you need to wind things down a bit. It really sounds like since you've been married you've been on a baby expressway and if I was your dh I would probably be thinking where do I fit in - except as a sperm donor.

Stop charting - you know roughly what your cycle will do - that's all you need to know. Reflect that you are 31 not 35 and you do have plenty of time to have two kids. Gently encourage dh to drink less and stop smoking - that's going to be better for everybody. Most of all - just try not to nag about this for a few months. The more you push, the more he WILL pull away.

Hi minipie,
Thanks for your rambly reply. It's so great to talk about this with people who understand!

We do have a few friends with children, and a 2 year old niece and he's great with them even having experienced being the target of projectile vomit from a baby!

Hi Northernlurker,
Yes I think you're right. It took 12 years for him to feel ready to get married, and now we have he has said he wishes he hadn't waited so long..

And again you're right, I have been on a baby expressway and DH has said that very thing about 'only marrying him to have a baby' which is so very untrue.

I do need to figure out how to enjoy being married and not be resentful about him postponing ttc.

I've always wanted to have children and DH has known that all along, I just feel like I've waited so long already.
I'd always thought it would have happened by now (my daft life-plan was to married at 24 and pregnant at 26)and I'm just over-thinking and worrying too much about the possibility of it not happening.

I'm my own worst enemy sometimes.

I agree with NL.

You might get pregnant right away, you might take a couple of months to get pregnant. A month or two here and there is not going to make a difference.

You are still very young and since you have no health problems, chances are you will get pregnant fairly soon.

Throw away your plans, you were probably about 20yo when you made your life plan and it is no longer relevant.

Agree to start TTC in August (that way you are not stressing about the "lost" month) and just relax, stop charting and enjoy the summer with your DH.

These bloody DHs are all the same. If yours has agreed to start trying in July that's pretty good going and nothing to complain about! There's only two cycles before you start trying for heaven's sake!

In the meantime you can always join the 'waiting to TTC' thread. We'll all be jealous of your early start date!

I think you are over-thinking it too. When you go on sites like this and see people having really terrible experiences ttc it does make you nervous. You should remember though that most people conceive naturally within a year of trying. Difficulty ttc at your age will be a rare event. Doesn't mean it won't happen to you - but you've no reason to think it will. I think you should talk a lot about 'practicing' ttc and otherwise take out your maternal urges onlooking at baby stuff. That's what I did when waiting ttc dd3 - I lived on the Bugaboo website!

Hi MmeLindt,
Thanks for your comments. You're right, it is all about the unknown, and annoyingly I tend to lean towards the worst case scenario.
I had that 'life plan' in my head since I was a teenager, and even though it is clearly not relevant it still bothers me.
I do need to let the stressing go and to enjoy time with my DH, I need to figure out a way to tell my brain that so it listens.

Hi AmandaCooper,
I know it's not really that long to wait now, and I shouldn't complain, but the over-thinking has consumed me a bit too much!
I'm having a look at the WTT thread too, it's good to know others are in the same boat.

Northernlurker,
Yep, I like the talking about 'practicing' ttc, great idea!

Sorry I just read that back and want to explain I didn't mean to belittle your situation, I was just trying to cheer you up!

Don't worry about it at all! You did put things into perspective for me

i'm not nearly as broody as you but i am older (33) and getting married this year, and finishing a massive project at work which will then mean i need to find another job in mid 2011. i don't want to job hunt while pregnant so i'm also having to wait longer than i'd like.

i don't know if this will help you but i'm thinking of this time as an opportunity to do things that will be on-hold for a while if i get pregnant and while i have a small baby.

i am training for a half marathon and then in 2011 we're going to the high andes in south america - both things i wouldn't do while pregnant or with an infant.

running and travel might not be your thing but try to think of some things that you CAN really enjoy doing between now and august - hey, even just romantic meals out with DH and sleeping all night through

I was at my broodiest just after getting married too, and it really drove a wedge between us. We had loads of negotiations about it, loads of tension, he got to the point of saying he almost wishes there'd be a contraception failure so he didn't have to decide because he was sure he'd be happy if an 'accident' happened but wasn't quite ready.

And I felt really resentful, and like you I read too much and charted and looked at friends and read pregnancy/parenting books and it was just miserable and awful.

And then I backed off, concentrated on the marriage and my life and made a conscious effort to enjoy the childlessness, and when we were ready, we were actually ready.

When our daughter was tiny, and screamed a lot, it was really good to know that we'd both been ready to have her and I hadn't pushed it. And I'm now very glad for those childless years with memories of late night wine bars and restaurants and nice clothes.

All of that said, we're now in negotiations for #2, and there are some very compelling reasons why we need to delay a bit longer than anticipated (financial, and nobody's fault, but to do with his career not mine) and I do find myself thinking, a little bit, if we'd had #1 earlier I'd be fine with this delay, but how many times are you going to ask me to wait?

So there's no easy answer. But it sounds like you two aren't far off the same timeline as it is. So please, just try and enjoy your months of being married and together without a child around, and live it up for a bit.

ooh, I can see both sides of this.
Me- desperate to conceive again, time not on my side, so I can completely feel your broodiness.
But you do have time on your side, and your friend is right, the time with just the 2 of you, you will never get back.
I would say concentrate on having great couple time, be happy, push the baby stuff aside for the next 6 months.
Have fun, go out for dinner, get silly drunk, go to the movies, sleep!!! Lazy weekends, weekends away.
Also maybe take the time to get him fit and healthy, go to the gym together or play tennis or swim.

Me and DH are so desperate to do that kinda stuff together, make the most of it please. x

It's amazing how many couples go through this. The woman always seems to be ready to ttc long before the man but unfortunately, men rarely understand the almost desperate need women feel to fall pregnant.

Luckily, I didn't have this with dc1 - we had one of those happy accidents that made the decision for us. Otherwise, I think we'd still be trying to decide now when to ttc.

However, when it came to dc2, it was a completely different story. I was ready to ttc for dc2 when dc1 was 9 months old. dh was soooo not ready. Every couple of months I'd push the issue, break down in tears, throw a tantrum and generally be a cow about it . I was so desperate to ttc that I seriously considered engineering a contraception failure . I dropped hints at every opportunity and even tried to enlist the help of my mil to persuade him (she sensibly stayed out of it!).

Then last summer I finally, finally realised that no amount of arguing from me would convince ds any quicker. So I vowed to stop mentioning it, count my blessings and just wait for dh to be ready in his own time. I put ttc completely out of my mind, banned myself from mumsnet and enjoyed life as it was. I couldn't believe my ears when dh turned round 2 months later and told me he was ready We conceived during the first month of ttc and then of course I panicked, worried in case I really had pushed him into ttc too soon!

So try to relax. The time will pass much quicker and your dh will also probably relax. You have time, don't panic!

Hi fluffles (love the name )
I think I'm more of a 'make the most of sleeping all through the night and romantic meals out' type, and I know that is what DH thinks we should do with the 'waiting time'.
I think it is great to have plans like yours though, definately big enough to keep you occupied.

Hi tortoiseonthehalfshell,
You're describing exactly how I feel!

Was it case of 'giving youself a good talking too' in order to be able to back off? I can't think of any other way for me to do it otherwise? I am miserable and so annoyed at DH that I am not enjoying the two of us at all at the moment. I can see it being a source of bitterness should we have problems ttc and I so don't want it to be.

Was it your DH saying wait or was it other circumstances too?
Did you have a long wait? And how long did it take you to conceive (if you don't mind me asking)?

Hi Cuppatea

I can relate to this too. I was 31 when I married DH, 3 years ago. We'd had to cancel our wedding the first time because he just didn't feel ready. We did start ttc straight away, and fell pregnant straight away too.

When we found out DH totally freaked out and said he wasn't ready to be a Dad yet, didn't eat for two days...was awful, I felt like the whole wedding cancellation thing was happening again! After a few days he stoppped panicking and got excited .

Unfortunately we lost that baby but then went on to have DS soon after. DH loves being a Dad and he was the first to want to TTC again the next time.

I'm not sure if this helps really, but I guess all I am trying to say is that your DH sounds a bit like mine in that he just wants to get the important things in life so right he is a bit scared to do them. I'm the opposite in that I just want to get on with things and I'm in fear that they won't happen at all (maybe that describes you too).

Waiting until August won't hurt, and believe me, you will look back fondly on those early married days when you are bleary eyed and can't remember your last lie in, but it does sound like you need to sit down and be honest with one another about what you want, what your fears are and how you are going to meet somewhere in the middle...good luck

Hi startagain,
Thank you! Those are wise words indeed. Sometimes I think that is kinda what we've had with our 12 years together before getting married. But living together has been different and being together all the time is a novelty and I should be enjoying it more and not wishing the time away. Oh dear.

Hi bouncingblueberries,
I've been so encouraged by peoples replies, I haven't talked to anyone in RL about it and I like that people understand and I'm not completely mad.
I've also been doing the 'pushing it', 'breaking down in tears' and 'being a cow' about it and have also thought about 'engineering a conception failure' but I don't really want conceiving our first child to be a result of my tantrum. But it is tempting.

Hi MiniMarmite,
I'm am sorry you've had a hard time.
I do think like you though, in that I want to get started because of worrying it won't happen, and I think DH is also a bit scared and wants to do it all properly.

Thank you!

bouncingblueberries that's hilarious, you must laugh at yourself looking back. I can totally relate to this - I don't think that I'm quite that bad, but I'm getting there!

It's very good advice from everyone just to relax and enjoy our time with our DH.

CuppaTee - welcome to MN.

I am a bloke and maybe can give a bit of perspective from the other side but am sympathetic to how you feel.

First thing is men do not feel that intense broody feelng you do. We just don't. It was only when I came to MN (2 years ago) and reading what women said about this issue that I realised just how visceral that feeling is for women.

Me and DW have 2 DSs (age 8 and 10 now) and although I always wanted children it remained an abstract 'nice idea' until we actually started trying to conceive. Your DH is not being unreasonable but really cannot feel that intense angst. Logically, he feels that waiting for a few months more is neither here nor there. I totally agree with what Northernlurker said about him being a 'sperm donor' and he has clearly expressed concern. I can relate to that feeling as it took a while for DW to conceive and I felt under a lot of unintentional unspoken pressure that made the process emotionally draining.

I implore you, take a deep breath and try not to make every time you have sex with DH 'about having a baby'. It is a long journey and you need DH to support and love you all the way. Wait until the date you agreed and then both of you will start on the right footing - not with DH feeling pushed into it. As others say, stop charting. That will just pile the pressure on you and DH. After a while, I absolutley hated the whole countng of days and doing everything to order with no spontaineity.

Finally, do get DH off the fags and cut don the drink. Get him on good food, gentle exercise and some Wellman vitamins. Good luck and most importantly do remember to enjoy the process.

CuppaTee, I guess it was just giving myself a good talking to. And after a while, I just bored myself really. But I'm not going to lie, it was a long while. Like, 18 months or so.

As for circumstances; we got married young, I was 24. A few months later I had a health issue that resulted in having an ovary removed, and for a few days there was a suspicion of cancer which would've meant removing the other one and therefore never having bio kids. During those days, we said that if we came through it, we'd not wait but try and conceive immediately. And then we came through it, and he just wasn't ready.

The other complicating factor is that I went back to university just after we got married to study Law. So he wanted to wait until I'd finished that degree, he was worried that I'd never finish otherwise (probably rightly). He was working in a job that he hated, and that involved a LOT of travel, and we were both clear that we didn't want children until he'd changed jobs. Because he knew too many men who'd missed out on seeing their children grow up.

My law degree was our ticket out of his job, really, because for him to change jobs was going to involve a huge pay cut so we needed me to be able to earn.

Anyway, then I graduated and got my first job as a lawyer and we wanted to wait until I was settled enough to be eligible for maternity leave (2 years), etc. So all in all, it ended up being a 5 year wait. But remember I was much younger than you, and we were trying to establish our lives.

It really has worked out well. Now I work as a lawyer and he studies a PhD and we share childcare, we both adore our daughter to bits, and we both want another one. The complicating factor now is that his PhD is getting delayed for reasons outside his control, and we can't afford me on maternity leave and him studying fulltime at the same time so that's why #2 is being delayed.

Having a child is wonderful, but the first few months are really hard. You really, really don't want to go into that if you're not both on board. It's only another few months your husband is asking for. You need to throw your eneriges into something non-baby-related in the meantime.

Oh, and we conceived first go, after years of slightly sloppy contraceptive use (inc. withdrawal method when lazy) without an accident.

Hi BeenBeta,
Thanks for the welcome, and thank you so much for giving a bloke's point of view. That's so interesting to hear and is really helpful.
I can relate to your 'abstract nice idea' in what DH has said to me, about stuff like getting married, buying a house and having kids. He doesn't seem to have desire to plan or make decisions to make stuff happen, but that it probably more about his laid back nature...

tortoiseonthehalfshell
Thank you for sharing your story and your advice.

It's been so comforting to hear all your thoughts and experiences, and good advice.
I don't feel so alone anymore in this madness so thank you!

Hi Cuppatee
I sympathise with this dilemma. Once you want to get started, it's a bit all consuming, especially when you spend time on here!

My advice would be to try and fit in some positive things for yourself in this period. In relation to TTC, maybe you could go and get a blood test and have a first chat with a doc to see if everything is fine. I did this and discovered that despite being vaccinated, I was no longer immune against rubella. So I got the vaccination and then there is a waiting time before TTC of one to three months. It's worth doing - but that time went slowly! Still, that would be one positive action you could take in this period!

Maybe there are friends in other countries you have long promised to visit and never got around to?

Well, just ideas to pass the next few months in a positive way. I agree with other posters that you can't "push" your DH into it and it is not the right way to start off. Hope things are on a good and positive footing for you by the end of the summer

Hi Cuppatee
I TOTALLY sympathise with your situation. I have been with my DH for 7 years and have been wanting to try for all of last year. It nearly broke us to be honest but he finally realised that I couldn't bear waiting and so said we could start in Jan this year, only 'not try very hard'!

It makes me so mad when the media portrays women as being the ones who are leaving it late TTC these days but it seems to me it's pretty much ALWAYS the bloke who resists and delays!!

Anyway, just wanted to say I understand - its tough to wait but you're not far off. Try to put it out of your mind if your man won't be moved closer in terms of dates.

Good luck xx

just wanted to add that the overwhelming chances are that everything will be fine and you will have your two children.
i do understand your frustration though and am happy for anyone to heed my own tale.
i married DH at 31 and nearly broke up at 34 when he dragged his feet over planning ttc. finally started ttc at 35, immediately had two miscarriages, then two hideous years of infertility, IVF, etc.
DH was still not even sure it was the right time for him, even after all that! he's still say things like, well eventually i'd like kids, as if my age was negotiable.
Finally conceived DS at 37 and had him at 38, after being told it was nigh impossible.
DH is now the most devoted father you can imagine and knows he was an ass.
but now the chances are very poor we'll have a second (which actually bothers him more than me), but it all could have been very different if we'd started only a year or two sooner. well, we'll never know what might have been ...

Hi SomethingSuitablyWitty, Hopefull1980 and goodnightmoon,
Thanks so much for replies and advice, it is all gratefully received.

My DH has been doing some thinking and talking with a couple of his mates and says he understands more where I am coming from and reckons moving the 'start' date to June is actually a good thing .

He's taking a wellman supplement now and is talking about cutting down/giving up the ciggies.

It's all progress and has resulted from you lovely people helping me put things into perspective.

Thank you.