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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Younger DH being big kid, help!

13 replies

missjellycat · 21/03/2010 16:38

I'm 30, my husband is 3 years younger. We have been together for 7 years and got married in October.

I have been on the pill for yonks now, and came off at Christmas as I've been having awful mid-cycle bleeding that's been sending my hormones all over the place, and changing pill didn't help.

Anyway DH wasn't best pleased, which upset me a bit as I've taken responsibility for contraception despite it slightly sending my libido off-kilter and putting up with the bleeding/mood swings for months before coming off it. It wasn't an easy decision either, I had blood tests and scans and all sorts before coming off as a last resort.

So first month off we used condoms and he hates them We barely had sex at all, and when we did he had, er difficulties.

I looked into the Standard Days Method - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Calendar-based_methods#Standard_Days_Method as now we're married and in a stable situation, it wouldn't be a total disaster to be PG, just maybe not quite yet! We'd vaguely discussed maybe starting to try in a year. The Standard Days Method is a vaguely scientific way of only having sex when you're not fertile, dependent on having a cycle of 28-32 days and not having sex on days 8-19. This seemingly means 5% of couples would conceive - we thought this looked great, and as I'd had 2 pill-free months of 28 days thought it suited us.

(Sorry for waffly explanation but not sure how common it's used!)

Anyway now I am 6 days late and no sign of AF... husband is a bit of a kid and treating whole thing like a joke... I'm crammed full of hormones and tearful, but don't want to have an argument or even really talk about it as he just jokes about having to push me down the stairs or something!

Did a test 2 days ago, BFN, and another one today, BFN. Now DH is saying we just won't have sex as it's too much of a risk! I feel like he blames me for coming off the pill, which means there's a danger of PG if he doesn't use condoms, which he hates.

And y'know, I am quite upset to not have had a BFP... I honestly didn't come off the pill to get PG and DH thinks I'm playing him - advice?!

OP posts:

waitingforbedtime · 21/03/2010 16:47

Its nothing to do with him being younger. I had a 2 year old at his age. he is just being unsupportive and selfish and if my husband 'joked' about having to push me down the stairs (for what? to cause a miscarriage?) I would be furious, hurt and feel sick.

moulesfrites · 21/03/2010 17:12

it sounds like he is being stupid because he is worried or nervous about the prospect of you being pregnant and often when men feel emotionally awkward about something they try to diffuse it with humour. I think he is being a little immature and you need to speak to him about how you feel and how his attitude is upsetting you.

Original poster

missjellycat · 21/03/2010 17:13

He honestly was joking, he thinks it's just so out of our current world that we could possibly have a baby, he's still rightly or wrongly in the teenage sphere of it being a disaster if I was pregnant (which it wouldn't!).

If I had my way I'd be PG, but it took about 3 years of subtle hints to get him to propose, don't think he's going to come round anytime soon sigh

If I am/was PG though, I just have this image of him and his family thinking of me as the evil older woman who did it intentionally and it makes me sad, and I don't have anyone I could discuss it with - all my friends aren't even thinking about it, we're the first in our social circle to even be married, and people love teasing us about kids but would actually be really shocked if I was PG.

I know we both have to be ready, but he seems to think we both need to be millionaires before we could afford it, and that it would be the end of life as we know it etc etc. Tell me I'm not the only one in this situation?!

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 21/03/2010 17:20

Too much of a risk?

What kind of a man refuses sex because he doesn't like how condoms feel? Get grip man.

You need to discuss whether or not you want children, and when. If he would consider a pregnancy a disaster then that makes it quite a bad thing. Were you happy to use a not-particularly-good method of contraception because you secretly want a baby and think that he will "come around to the idea"?

Lulumaam · 21/03/2010 17:23

I can kind of see his POV. you vaguely discussed maybe trying in a year

and now all of a sudden, you might be pregnant

so he is a bit shocked and being silly as a reaction, which does not excuse it, but i can see that it goes from being a vague notion to a real and immediate possiblity

he also needs to undersatnd if he does not use condoms he has to get to grips with the idea of a pregnancy

i can see both POV

Original poster

missjellycat · 21/03/2010 17:26

I've honestly been totally honest with him and respectful of his wishes, we did discuss it properly over new year and said we'd start trying the following new year.

I was the one who looked into Standard Days, but made sure he looked into it too, trust me he's not the sort of man who would have done it if he didn't think it was safe, I mean 5% seems pretty low to me and we both thought it would be fine. I'm pretty sure I'm not PG and it's job stress or something that's stopping AF.

We both know I want children sooner rather than later, but he's using finances as the reason to wait til next year, which is fine. i'd just rather he was being more supportive - if I am/was PG, it's down to both of us.

And I am properly frustrated about the condoms thing. My libido is through the roof having coming off the pill, it's great - or would be if DH was as up for it as I am! Grrr.

I feel like he's blackmailing me into going back on the pill, but I'm so determined not to, I feel so much better off it, but it doesn't exactly leave us with many choices.

OP posts:

Original poster

missjellycat · 21/03/2010 17:27

Thank you for your replies... it's a bit lonely being in this situation with no-one to talk to about it

I'm not a freak for wanting to be PG! It doesn't mean I'm forcing him into it though!

OP posts:

Original poster

missjellycat · 21/03/2010 17:28

Anyone out there who became PG before their DH was ready, how did they react??

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 21/03/2010 17:28

if he is struggling with the idea, it is time for another talk... you are clearly keenr on the idea than him, but you need to talk . as if you are not using contraception, then the risk is there, and that might well be why his libido is not matching yours

i would sit down with him and have a heart to heart

Lorelai · 21/03/2010 17:33

Well, I got pg by accident earlier than planned. We were going to have kids at some point, but when we were married, and I still hadn't managed to persuade him to propose at that point. We were both totally freaked out when I did get pg but almost 3 years on, we are happily married and he is a wonderful father, and neither of us would change anything (except maybe winning the lottery!)

SparrowGirl · 21/03/2010 21:00

I agree that he is certainly being very unhelpful when you are clearly having a difficult time but as others have said I can kind of see his POV. Having a baby is a really big thing and making the decision to do it is different to having an accident. It's damn scary to be honest!

Also I would add that it's a bit unfair to bring age into it. My DP is 11 years older then me but I was well aware that he had no thoughts of producing at all when we got together. I, on the other hand, was definitely hitting broodiness big style. I think if I had just thrust it on him or risked an accident he probably would have reacted in a similar way to your DH, not because he's childish but because he would have totally freaked out. In the end I took it really slowly. It gave him time to get used to the idea and rethink his life with a baby in it. Remember, you might have been thinking about this for ages but he hasn't and needs time to create the space in his vision of the future for a kid.

I know this takes longer and that's soooo hard when you just want a baby but I am so glad that I gave him the time to get used to it. Of course, I can't really say what I would have done if he'd resolutely said no...accidents happen I suppose

wantwantwant · 21/03/2010 22:54

Both my kids were mishaps, on the pill1st time, condoms 2nd. He hit the roof. But he's hopelessly set in his ways and scared of change. He got over it! Everyone thinks I engineered things, but I know I didn't, and I have my lovely kids so I really don't care. he adores them and I don't think he'd change anything now. I am however exceedingly broody for no 3 and he's not playing ball. I've put contraception in his hands, and he chooses the withdrawal method. Suits me and if I get pg then frankly, he'll come to terms with it. Men are funny creatures, shame we need them for babies really!

rainbowss · 22/03/2010 09:03

sorry you're in this situation; your DH sounds like he doesn't realise how upsetting he is being, which is just too common with men!

My DH is also younger, he's only in his mid twenties. He's finding ttc-ing difficult because it's making him realise life is moving along fast. We've had some heated discussions lately but it's only the change period. He needs some time to develop his feelings, and unfortunately while I sit here on mumsnet, developing mine, he's not thinking about it at all until we're face to face! Then it's easier to be insensitive.

He'll come around

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